» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Dessie dwangs his dong at the delightful Doctor
My little Brother was, and is, a pugilist of some renown, but not enough renown to reach the ears of the bullying 17 year old tosser that thought picking on a 14 year old would be fun.

One episode of unconsiousness and a few missing teeth later he realised the error of his ways.

Dessie had a problem though, 7 knuckles where there should be four.

Off to Morriston Hospital we trundled, Dessie, my Catholic ex-Nurse Mam, and myself 'cos TV was crappy. They did the x-ray, and decided that "a quick pull" would sort it. How prophetic.

The Anaethatist, was a vision, blonde, small, with that open approachable pretty face that said, "I am a nice girl, and a really good shag". As she lent over Dessie you could see his eyes flit from one perfect breast to the other, as they just ever so gently carressed his forehead. He was given a dose of the "gas and air" which rendered him just unconious enough not to hit the ceiling as they pulled his knuckles back where they needed to be.

As he came around, he dreamily opened his eyes and looked at Dr Awesome, and with the words "you are really nice, I like you" and pulled his beef baton from under his gown and dreamily masterbated.

My Mam was mortified, innefectually swatting at his hand as mhe massaged his ripidly growing pork python. I was so happy I couldnt talk. Dr Awesome looked at Mam, and said "This happens all the time"

No shit, I felt like joining him.

Pearoast, but its a good story
(Thu 18th Mar 2010, 3:29, More)

» Kids

Dogging 1 year old
Many years ago (10 to be exact) my little lad was in the toddling stage. Now, I didn't know that he had learned how to climb out of his cot, but I found out one Sunday morning when I was enjoying my Sunday "lie in" with Mrs MICMAC.
I was really getting into the swing of it, when the look of mild amusement on my Dearests' face turned into shocked horror, as my cherubic son's face appeared above my left shoulder, and said "Hooray!! go faster Daddy!!"

I put a lock on the bedroom door that afternoon
(Mon 21st Apr 2008, 7:32, More)

» Tightwads

Revenge of the Bill Payer
I have never enjoyed talking on the phone, hate it in fact, but my two younger brothers (Steve & 'Detective' Des) took to the "wha y'doin?..naffin, wha y'doin...nowt. Wha y'doin after?.. school of phone usage like drugs to ravers. This was pre cellphone, so Dad stumped up for the Bill.

Anyhow, after another 250 quid quarterly bill from BT, my Dad snapped, and...

installed a payphone...
in the house....
in our front room!!

He soon figured that he could alter the time per pound rate, ramping it up so a quid lasted for a minute. So phone conversations for my Brothers became ..

Hi.. no!! SHUTTHEFUCKUP!! I'll see you in 20 at *beeepbeeepbeep* fuckfuckFUCKFUCK!!...DAAAAAAAD! (Steve puts another 10p in) "No Spooner SHUTTHEFUCKUP!! meet at Macdonalds in twenty.. Which one? The one in *beeepbeeepbeeep* fuckfuckFUCKINGCUNT!!"

This angst and frustration was just the ticket for my Dad. TV was replaced by watching the Brothers try and cram a 20 minute conversation into 10 seconds, made more difficult because they found it difficult to be heard over the sound of my Dad pissing himself laughing at them from the sofa.

We kept the payphone for a couple of years, my Dad still says its the most fun he ever had with us.
(Sun 26th Oct 2008, 4:55, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Obstetrics, what a laugh
A while back I was working in Llandough Hospital. just outside Cardiff. We had our fair share of Jeremy Kyle rejects, and as is their want, they breed.
The hero of the story was a Senior Registrar in Obs/Gynae, and had just delivered to this world a new future car thief, when the male provider of half of the DNA of the new ASBO candidate says "Oi Doc, when can I 'ave sex wiv 'er again?" when our hero, without dropping a beat said "Well, a Gentleman would wait until the Placenta is delivered"

Loved it then, love it now.
(Mon 15th Mar 2010, 7:04, More)

» Eccentrics

My dad, the SS officer
My Dad used to shout at us in German whenever he wanted us to do something/get a move on/shut up, he would scream "Achtung!! Raus!! Schnell!!!. This comes from watching too many war films I think, however, this little habit has passed down the line to me. Which has got me into trouble once or twice.

2am I am working (Radiographer...takes x-rays) back in the UK. Old fella comes into my room on a trolley, bit confused but physically OK, in for a Chest x-ray. "Please sit forward Sir...no response. Could you sit up Mate...Still nothing. Now I was tired as well, so i slipped into my youth and..."Hande Hoch....SCHNELL!!"

The poor old fella sat bolt upright, hands flew into the air...result!! obvoiusly this guy loved war films like me Dad!

So I put the film behind him and take the x-ray. breathing in wasn't a problem as he was breathing deeply. Lovely film, job done.

The problem came when I wanted to send him back to Casualty, I couldn't get him to put his hands down. i didn't know Hands down in German. "OK Sir, you can lower your hands...(Oh Shit) Please put your hands down..(buggerbuggershit)

So he goes back to Casualty, bolt upright with his hands raised. his daughter asked what happened, "Dunno (says I) he just sat upright when I got him into the room" "Oh, he must be reliving his youth, he was interned in Germany during WW2" "Oh...how terrible" said I, beating a hasty retreat.

Apparently he stayed like that for another hour or so.

Its all dads fault..I was only following my training.

Sorry old POW fella.
(Sat 1st Nov 2008, 20:02, More)