b3ta.com user puerile
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if you like, you can look at my brain excreta.

i like to draw stuff. the quicker the better. if it's any good, better again. if it's shite, then it only took a second.

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» School Days

Alf, Pardner
Just as we were to begin our last two years at high school, the "bad kids" school down the road was closed down and some of the kids sent to our school for their final two years (although to be honest looking back I don't think they were much worse than we would have been). Some of their teachers came too. Much "hilarity" was to ensue:

* Six foot lengths of dowelling sanded down to about the size of a pencil, sharpened, and used to stab people in the arse.
* Availability of drugs increased, this was a benefit actually :) (although notwithstanding the story further down).
* Someone stole ammonia (or so they thought) from the science storeroom and sprayed me in the face with it (I later heard, to "try it out"). Don't think it was though, as it had no effect. They got caught during the next raid and expelled.
* Some of the new kids got caught doing the world's most blatant sneaky drug deal (in front of a window while some teachers were watching).
* Peter Thompson punching the PE teacher in the face because he didn't want to run the 1500m. Didn't see him again after that. Shame really, seemed a decent bloke (n.b. Peter, not the teacher, who was a prize cock).
* Some sort of well dodgy drug/protection racket where a deal would be arranged "on credit" only for it to go wrong and the money to be paid up anyway under threat of gang violence. One of the kids responsible for this actually ended up face first in a bonfire about four months later, the little cuntsniff.
* Metalwork lessons with flying metal objects. It was reasonably commonplace to be doing a spot of welding or whatever when a hammer, spanner or random lump of metal would fly past your (or someone else's) ear. 'Twas like some sort of extreme, retarded tetris. God knows how nobody got seriously hurt (although someone got a nasty burn from hot glue on his neck).

Thinking about it, it was pretty shit at the time, but with the benefit of experience I chuckle about it now...
(Fri 30th Jan 2009, 22:11, More)

» Food sabotage

I have a small round shield given to me by a scottish relative ("Just like they used at Culloden...". Interestingly, it has a design featuring an american wrestler in some sort of headdress hitting a metal bowl with a stick, apparently making music of some kind.

It's my Fou d'Sabu Targe.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 22:50, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

I was happily posting my own story of unexpected good fortune when I was struck by a bout of ill-timing. The question had closed in the meantime!

Fortunately I was greeted with a whole brand-spanking new question to read and answer, which made my thursday.

Wait.. bugger.
(Thu 21st Sep 2006, 17:02, More)

» Your first cigarette

I was helping my friend....
..with the architecture of a building he was working on getting built with a bunch of his mates.

He needed me to design a sort of tower on one corner, just big enough for one of them to climb up to and yell at people.

I'd never done such a thing before! It was my first minaret.
(Tue 25th Mar 2008, 22:13, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

A certain place I used to work was open late at nights and sometimes footballers would visit for the evening, tending as they do to have more money than sense.

One visit sticks in my mind. A certain footballer, immortalised for getting a wee bit upset in a certain international competition, and supposedly "on the wagon" showed up. Shitfaced. And he stayed until he was broke. Then he tried to borrow money from the other customers. Eventually he stumbled off into the night. He offered to shake my hand, but I declined politely.

Didn't know it at the time, but talking to the other staff members, he'd apparently been ejected a couple of years previously for cracking one off under the table. Lucky escape!

Also met (another time) Nolberto Solano, who is a top bloke, and his wife is as fit as fuck.
(Thu 25th May 2006, 16:13, More)
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