» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Sex offender by proxy
I was on the sex offenders register. I went off on holiday as you do and left my keys with my brother so he could feed my fish, pick up the post, etc. Unfortunately he also had my car keys. The bastard goes kerb crawling, picks up the undercover policewoman and gets nicked. He then says he's me and gets away with it due to me leading a blameless existence. I only find out a few weeks later when I helped two police cars stop a car they were chasing down the M6. They got the chavs in the car waved me on and I didn't think anything more about it until one of the policemen phoned me up a couple of days later to say thanks and "by the way I wiped the kerb crawling charge off your record." "Erm, what kerb crawling charge? When did this happen?" And it was while I was in Goa. Seeing as only my brother had access to my keys it was a bit of an open and shut case. I never said anything due to the very recent birth of his daughter but I wish I had done now. Because it's partially fucked my life. I used to lead working holidays as part of my living. Not anymore because anyone who's been on the sex offenders register is blacklisted for very obvious reasons. If you're reading this brother, I hope you die of cancer somewhere morphine hasn't been invented yet.

I won't apologise for length, it's not me who's too small...
(Sat 19th Aug 2006, 20:34, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

scrotum - bmx interface
I was 10 or 11. I was on the back of my mate's bmx when he unexpectedly did a bunny hop. I levitated off the saddle and the bike moved on without me until I landed on the back wheel, traveled very briefly with it and came to a excruciating stop with my bollocks caught in the break bits. I was stuck. I had to be virtually carried home where my dad removed the bike. My nuts swelled up and I nearly needed a wheelbarrow. I walked like John Wayne for a couple of weeks...people still remember it now.
(Thu 13th Jul 2006, 22:29, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Political sloganeering
On a Conservative billboard poster: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? And underneath...

I like cheesy whatsits.

Class.
(Sat 5th May 2007, 14:49, More)

» Crappy relationships


In December 2008 Cath told me she had been having an affair with a childhood sweetheart but it was over now. I wasn't happy to say the least but the relationship stumbled on for a couple of weeks until...
I finally knew it was over when she phoned up screaming that this other blokes wife had found out and that it was me that told her and how dare I interfere in her life(!) etc... Obviously my feelings didn't matter.

So, I'm now down about 4 grand, wasted 4 years of my life, lost most of my friends (it ended up with her being my entire social circle so I didn't get out much). She had mental health issues that she was convinced was physical which led to her not leaving the house without a fucking gasmask. She also always used to look like she'd crawled out of a skip and sometimes didn't wash for weeks. I realised she had problems and tried to go with it and talk her out of some of her more insane ideas (partially drowning yourself with olive oil to clear out your lungs for a start), and smoking whilst insisting she had an allergy to cigarette smoke. Anyway I'd finally had enough with her and her unbelievable self obsession when she started screaming down the phone at me.
(Wed 27th Oct 2010, 15:38, More)

» Famous people I hate

Can I pitch my idea for a TV show?
Celebrity Execution with Ant and Dec. Ant and Dec have 50 minutes to persuade YOU the viewer to phone in and vote to hang, draw and quarter the other one.

Next week Bill Oddie gets gibbeted and has his eyes pecked out by crows.
Also, Antony Worrall-Thompson gets basted and slowly roasted over an open fire.

I think it may be horrible wispy beards. Whilst I'm thinking, Richard Branson needs to be rectally connected to an high-pressure air hose and then we'll see if he can cross the Atlantic.
(Fri 5th Feb 2010, 20:24, More)