b3ta.com user d.r._and_quinch
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Deeply troubled

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» Class

An acquaintance worked for Inland Revenue and in times gone by he would not have met this
particular chap because he would have become a CofE cleric, what with the old expression of the first inherits and looks after the family affairs, the next does something in the military but the CofE raised its standards and the nice but dim ones from old money were no longer allowed.

The story, the IR colleagues were enjoying a drink in Kensington public house and these colleagues come from a wide variety of social backgrounds. They were discussing films and a recently released film was the loose biopic, Nil By Mouth. One of the workers said that they enjoyed the film but mainly because it was shot on location on his estate. At which point the young, nice, dim, old money with title says "Oh, how marvellous! How many acres?"
(Fri 21st Mar 2014, 11:32, More)

» Christmas Tales

Dogs do the funniest things. I raise your shitting green ham.
T'was a few days before Christmas and off to the shops I did pop to purchase seasonal and festive food. My prize purchase was a huge spiky skinned pineapple, resplendent with crown. Thoughts of PiƱa colada at the forefront of my mind. I gave the pineapple a fitting place to be admired by guests in the living space, I knew they would be in awe of such a prize specimen ananas. I was as proud of that pineapple as I was of the three pedigree Great Danes that I owned at that time a beautiful family of father, mother and son. The father, very much the alpha and second in command.

I had to go to work, which was only downstairs in the bar. I popped back upstairs to check on the dogs. The dogs, all on their bed but looking very sheepish (not that dogs have expressions but they looked sheepish to me) - I knew something was amiss. Where's the poop? Is usually the first question but all three looked sheepish. I went into the living space and to my horror all that remained of my pineapple was the luscious and elegant crown.

Taking the crown I went to the dogs and knowing that they understood at last 25 words asked - "Who did this?" - usually one would give itself away but no they all cowered and tried to hide their faces from the pineapple crown. All guilty! Guilty, guilty, guilty. Still, animals what can you do. They knew they had done a very bad thing, we had a strict understanding about property ownership. I gave each a reprising nip on the ear to reinforce alpha command.

Business concluded for the day and time for bed. I was awoken at around 4am by the most awful half barks and yelping. Going to check on the dogs, the father was downstairs in the pub attempting to defecate but was having little success. OMG - I thought what is wrong with the poor soul. I was to quick to realise the source of the bad boys problem. Apparently he alone had consumed the pineapple. However, not understanding cause and effect he had not peeled the ultra spiky, thorny, irritating skin from the juicy flesh. And now behold, the pineapple skin being expelled from his anus not on the lovely smooth side but the scouring side. I had to assist with pulling the skin out because it was stuck and TBF I thing the dog had had enough.

That dog learnt another word, pineapple or specifically - Do you want some pineapple? would send the dog cowering to wherever was furthest away from the chance of pineapple. Like Les and chive soil.

tl:dr - Heh heh heh. That crazy Marmaduke.
(Fri 20th Dec 2013, 12:03, More)

» Real Life Slapstick II

Animals do the funniest things
I was working in the kitchen which overlooks the rear garden and there was a thud at the window. Most likely a bird so I go outside and indeed there is a Goldfinch fledgling looking stunned. Good I thought that means I don't have to 'neck it', the young bird flew onto the lawn further assuring me of it's safety.

That is until next doors cat made a pounce for the still dazed bird. Oh noes I think and the cat does grab the bird, until the Peregrine Falcon which must have spotted the soft target of a Goldfinch for its breakfast arrived at speed but it grabbed the cat which dropped the bird and then the falcon after raising the terrified cat about a metre from the ground dropped the cat. The falcon disappears, the cat disappears and the lucky, thankful soon to be adult Goldfinch escapes to safety. All in all an exciting 45 seconds or so.
(Mon 6th Oct 2014, 9:42, More)

» Bad Dates

Sort of a date that ended with a break up.
I was 16, he was 16 we were at college. We were sort of experimenting with our sexuality yeah and booze. We were at his parents house but prior to the parents we were at various pubs getting teen drunk. Inebriation led us back to his to listen to some new epic vinyl and of course sexual shenanigans before passing out.

I was awoken at I presumed about 4am in the morning by his very angry parents. It was actually about 9.30pm. Their son had done something very bad and I was of course to blame. He had got up naked, gone to their best room and relieved himself whilst carry a piss horn into the waste paper basket, now in the best room the parents had guests. Everyone was quite shocked, understandably. The shock was greater because the waste paper basket was a wicker variety and did not have the usual carrier bag inside the wicker (slovens) and the piss had gone onto the newly fitted carpet. to round things off he spunk farted and some shit and spunk went on the carpet. Possibly not the best way to out yourself and I was not allowed in the house ever, ever again. Miserable bastards, not like I was the one who did it.
(Tue 22nd Oct 2013, 20:50, More)

» Acting out your fantasies

I have fantasies about beating my partner of 15 years to death. Six months ago I was diagnosed
with terminal cancer, so unless they are involved in an accident or a violent crime it looks like I win.
(Sat 15th Feb 2014, 10:44, More)
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