b3ta.com user fergus the bogeyman
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» Sexual Disasters

Virgin sexxx
When I was but a young lad my first serious girlfriend and I decided one summer's day that we should both lose our virginity by doing the deed in the local fields. We found a bit of a dip in the middle of one field that was like a lovely sunny nest and divested ourselves of our netherwear.

I would like to think that it was the massive manly girth of my John Thomas which seemed to make it impossible but in retrospect it was more likely because she was a bit nervous and rather dry. For what seemed like hours I manfully attempted to get it in there with no success. So inexperienced (and sore) were we by then that my girlfriend actually asked 'have we done it yet?' The answer to that question came from one of the four blokes standing at the edge of the hollow behind us - 'Fraid not love. Do you want us to show him how?'

That was even more embarrassing than the fact that his alsatian was excitedly sniffing my arse.
(Sat 21st Mar 2015, 12:39, More)

» Winning

What a lovely lamp!
In my first year as a teacher I begrudgingly went in to school on a Saturday to participate in the school fete. Poverty-stricken as I was, I was made to feel obliged to join in by purchasing a fistful of raffle tickets. Inevitably I won a prize. It was a mind-numbingly hideous table lamp, obviously hand made by a tasteless moron who had simply pushed a few plastic flowers into an empty wine bottle and stuck a light fitting and grotesque plastic lampshade on the top.

I turned to one of the oldest teachers, Mr Kramer, and said "Trust me to win the ugliest and most useless prize of the lot!"

"Mmm" he said, "My wife made it shortly before she died of cancer."
(Mon 2nd May 2011, 19:17, More)

» Famous people I hate

Jeremy Fucking Clarkson
Why doesn't that horse-faced horse's-arse Jeremy Clarkson climb into a Ferrari Cunnilingus and drive at 200mph into a brick fucking wall. Or he could abandon those jeans and put on the nazi uniform so well-suited to his 'weltanschauung,' dowse himself in his beloved petrol and set fire to himself in protest at people who believe in global warming. Or he could strap himself into a Lamborghini Micropenis and drive at top speed with a blindfold on instead of strapping the children of non-tories to the bull-bars of his LandRover Chavcrusher SXi and playing dodgems with Northern oiks. Or, he could just SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
(I really don't like him.)
(Sat 6th Feb 2010, 18:16, More)

» Job Interview Disasters

No flies on me
Several years ago, as a raw young teacher I was pushed to the edge of a nervous breakdown by a particularly unpleasant class of 'behaviourally challenged' kids so in an effort to escape I applied for a job in a nice little school where all the kids were in wheelchairs. Someone told me that my chances of getting the job would be improved by visiting the school beforehand and making a good impression on the headteacher.

I made an appointment but unfortunately on the appointed day I woke up late and looked like being late so I made a hurried grab for the only suit I possessed - my old wedding suit. In the years since the wedding styles had really changed and I realised that I was sporting ultra-wide flares (much too short) and jacket lapels as wide as an ironing board. AND I couldn't find any clean underpants so in my haste decided to do without them.

On arrival at the school I spent half an hour with a very unimpressed-looking headteacher and then trapesed round the school visiting every classroom to meet the other staff, all of whom were female - except the very last one who was male and told me nervously that my flies were undone, revealing a flourishing clump of pubes and a little flash of pink coming from my wedding tackle. I didn't get the job.
(Sat 23rd Nov 2013, 11:50, More)

» I witnessed a crime

The polite mugger
I went to London to gawp at the big city and was excitedly standing on an underground platform waiting for the tube. In front of me was a small crowd of people including a girl at the front with a shoulder bag and, I noticed, a young black guy who appeared very nervy. He was twitching shiftily and my Guardian-reader head said 'Maybe he's on his way to take an exam,' but my Daily Mail head said 'well why is he sweating and looking shiftily at that girl's bag then?' My two minds conferred and came to the right-wing conclusion that he was about to commit a financially motivated malfeasance.

So, do I call the girl over on some pretext and defuse the situation or do I shout 'Look out love, there's a mugger behind you?'

Or, soft cunt, do I stand there like a lemon hoping everything will be OK?


Anyway, tube train pulls up, girl steps toward doors, mugger grabs bag, turns and rapidly pushes his way back through the throng, almost pushing people over and suddenly he is face to face with yours truly.

It seems like a slow-motion moment and as we eyeball each other he actually says 'Excuse me!!!'

Well, being British, I stand aside and let him through as girl without handbag legs it after him! (At least I avoided the temptation to respond 'Certainly, young man' as I stepped aside.)

Oh, the shame.
Oh the horror, the horror...
(Mon 18th Feb 2008, 9:48, More)
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