» Desperate Times

Good pub story... just hope the brothers don't find out.
except the first bit which i shall tell in my anomintitiyte... no i couldn't even be bothered to go to dictionary.com

anyway on with the story

When i was 14 i went to stay with some fine nerdy friends of mine in las vegas. yes i know, stupid bloody age to go to las vegas but we still had a great time. however that year i had spent obsessing over one girl. kirsty. she was a flat chested skater girl, cute, kind, funny. all that. so anyway, i had sleep in a room with either one of the brothers at the base of the queen sized i was allocated. when it was about 2 in the morning and i could finally hear snores i started to enjoy myself and periodically go back and forth to the bathroom a few times (i'm still that horny) and the brothers would wonder why i slept in so late. we were eventually evicted by thier kind hearted father considering we spent all of our days playing LAN games and swimming in the pool. we tried to camp in all the canyons of the nevada area and around. this was to be a 4 day and night trip. 4 DAYS AND NIGHTS WITHOUT A WANK!!




so i came in the grand canyon under the stars.




EDIT: just remembered, was sat next to a young couple on the flight home wherein the young lass fell asleep facing me, fantastic cleavage.

i don't think it counts as the mile high club if it's monolove.
(Tue 20th Nov 2007, 10:54, More)

» Failed

I failed my D.N.A test...
...Mummy?
(Fri 5th Jan 2007, 12:25, More)

» Insults

best mates mum
lovely bird, the country type, cooks a mean anything.

drops pyrex bowl. ''cunty bollocks''

burns fingers ''shitty fuck fuck''

it just sounds better from a 50 year old with a knee you just want to sit on.
(Wed 10th Oct 2007, 12:59, More)

» Celebrities part II

Interweb Famous
I'm currently supplying a voice or two on a game called Flare (http://www.arcceleste.com/index.html) with the lovely Ashly Burch, who is internet famous for Hey Ash Whatcha Playin or HAWP. Yes to be perfectly honest I'm just shamelessly plugging this game and secretly telling you trustful folk of b3ta that I think Ashly's thoroughly gorgeous but you're going to keep that bit schtum right?
(Fri 9th Oct 2009, 18:19, More)

» Dumb things you've done

I've never posted a fake.
Now, I'm scared. I'm afraid I won't do this tale justice.

18 months ago Myself and 3 friends went out to canada, fernie to see a couple of equally friendly friends who had spent 4ish months there to become skiiers of ultimate power and skill. One of these friends (I shall call hime fred, for that is his real name) was staying with some lovely lads from around the UK. There was Emo James, Ginger James... actually those are the only two i can remember the names of. Anyway... i decided to steal freds housemates for drinking purposes. The legal drinking age over there is 19 and i was one of few old enough to go out on the raz. Now snowy regions are fantasic to get pissed in. You fall over and there is comfy snow, you slip up every other step, which is bloody hilarious. As you might be able to tell i'm not very good a telling jokes. I decided to entertain these lads and be proud of the laughs i would recieve. No matter what i had to do to receive them. After finally getting kicked out of the last bar to close we veered and slid our way to Fred's house to crash and burn. I thought 'yes, this is my time to shine!' after already trying backflips in a bar to impress this girl who was totally the fit one from rules of attraction and landing on my back 5 times in a row. I decided physical humour was my forte. Cue me running into a chain link fence...

It springs me back into the street where i slip in a gutter and fall down the side of parked car. Rapture of laughter. Cue me running full pelt at a waist high gate.

I flip so fast i've only moved half a foot before i'm upside down in what turns out to be the local primary school. Tears break out and pavements are pounded with fists. James the Emo believes it is a good idea for me to run at cars. Cue a slightly bruised but heavily tanked up deadheaded one running down the long block towards the nearest set of headlights.

I fail to meet the car, it was really far away and there was a perfectly good one parked right by. so i run and fall into what turns out to be a pickup. I'm lying there, in the pickup when a james tells me it belongs to the local sheriff (true or not i have no clue but for a pisshead i can move quick if circumstance requires) so i bolt out of that to find another james bent double and retching from excrutiating mirth.
I decide to leave cars alone.
we enter the house and i spin a tale of the time i put my head through some plasterboard at an end of the world party in a soon to be demolished bungalow. The James' don't beleive me. not even after the last hour. Cue deadhead tapping walls.

Slowly i turn to the boy with his hair over one eye, wearing his little sisters jeans and say, 'watch this'. I run from the back of the kitchen to the recently found plasterboard wall. headfirst.

The wall did not win. I advanced again with a larger audience, attracted by the noise of the initial charge. The hole widened and I fell uncerimoniously to the floor satisfied, with a shit eating grin and a dazed look upon my face.

Noone laughed.

I had taken it too far.

That's how I owed Fred 90 canadian dollars.

length? well i couldn't do it justice in one sentence.

girth? Maybe you had to be there but it's certainly funnier in the pub.

p.s also got naked for a hottub and decided to make snow angels. The snow had frozen so i just scratched my arse. Tried to give the police a personal account while under the influence of at least 2 contrabands. I Love Canada. It does not love me.
(Thu 20th Dec 2007, 21:11, More)