» Personal Ads

Never Trust Postal Workers
Well...this happened a few years ago. Actually, theres 2 stories here, the first one is sort of related, the second one definately is..
1) I used to work at a Post Office reasonably near, shall we say, a facility for holding the undesirables of society...a man in a small truck would come each morning, and pick up the mail for the inmates of this facility. Unfortunately, the loved ones of those in the facility were generally none too bright, and of course used to try and smuggle in small quantities of pot and other such contraband (As if they were the first to try it and we didn't know..) They also were unable to put the correct address on the envelopes, so quite often, people would return mail addressed to their PO box, saying that it wasn't for them, and it should probably go to the box of this facility. We would then dutifully reseal it and put an 'opened in error' sticker on it. One day in particular, a very nice lady brought in an opened letter, and said that it wasn't meant for her, and that we should in fact check it out. Of course this could get us in huge trouble, but it was already opened so temptation overcame good sense. Opening the envelope, it contained a letter and several photos of the 'glamour' type, but the subject in question looked like a whale shoehorned into a lace teddy..sort of like trying to keep pudding in strainer...I still shiver at the thought of this horrid munter reclining in her black stretch lace giganto-sized underwear, contrasting with the pale, sweaty pastiness of her body..with lipstick kisses on the photos, and the letter containing declarations of undying love, wanting to bear the horrid demon sprog of the intended lucky recipient, etc. Then right down the bottom of the letter, was a scrunched and oddly coloured corner, circled in blue biro, and the words "Sniff here if you want to know what a real woman smells like". I made a noise something like "aiiieeeeemyygoddd!!" and dropped the letter. One of the other people there, asked what was wrong, I pointed to the offensivce item, and told her to pick it up and read. She obligingly did so, then after a few moments a similar 'aawwwoohhmyygoooodd!!!' sound followed, and she dropped the letter. A third person joined us, and asked what was wrong, told her to pick up and read, several minutes passed...and then, she looked at us with a puzzled expression, and said 'I don't get it'. She then lifted it to her nose, took a long deep sniff, and said 'Is it supposed to be perfume or something?' I said yes it probably was, could she please re-envelope it and place in the correct PO box.

Story 2 - Bit shorter, way back when I first started, I worked in the delivery area, I had a pushbike round. Unfortunately the bike they gave me was a bastardised death machine, I had an unfortunate incident and broke my ankle. So I was confined to desk-bound duties for a while, one of which was taking the container affectionately known as 'The Coffin' each day, and emptying out all the 'dead letter' mail (coffin - geddit?) My job was to open this mail, which could not be delivered, and had no return address, read it and try to find a return address, re-seal it with special tape and put a honking great stamp on the front saying that it had been opened for inspection to find a return address. One envelope I opened, was from 'Don'. Now apparently, 'Don' had an appendage the size of a baby's arm, according to his own description, and Don had never participated in a threesome, felt a bit nervous but excited to try, was willing to take it up the poop chute, and was eagerly awaiting a response. After just about pissing my pants with laugher, I resealed it with the special bright red tape, and made sure I put the 'Opened for Inspection' sticker right on the front, and just for good measure put one on the back too. I would of loved to have seen Don's face when he got his mail..teach him to address his personals correctly!
(Sun 16th Sep 2007, 11:23, More)

» Abusing freebies

Best freebies I ever had...
I was staying in town overnight for a work-related 'conference'. So, myself and a couple of other lads decide that we should hit the strip clubs. Upon arrival, we are given a ticket for the 'door prize'. Anyway, we duly pay our nominal door cover charge, and head into the very crowded bar, and partake of the visual feast of unclad, young, nubile, extremely hot women gyrating around poles (not mine unfortunately). Some hours roll on and many, many drinks and several 'intimate' lap dances later, the door prize is drawn - and its my ticket!
The prize was an open, unlimited drinks card for the remainder of the evening, AND, to be on the judging panel for Miss Showgirl 2006. Oh, the power! There were about 10 acts, and each lady had to be judged on criteria such as sex appeal, coreography, flexability etc. Needless to say each girl was pretty keen to win, so they well and truly put their best performances on for the judging panel (there were 3 of us if I remember correctly) and the drinks card was absolutely abused, handed around to friends, associates, strangers who returned from each expedition to the bar loaded up with glasses of spirits and jugs of beer. What more perfect evening could there be? Having all manner of free alcohol brought to you by extremely attractive waitresses, and a bevy of naked and near naked, gorgeous women all wanting your attention and putting on their best performance to get it??
The icing on the cake though, was that one of the friends who came along, smuggled his digital camera in with him, and was so hammered that he thought nothing of asking several of the girls to join us in a group photo. So I also have photographic evidence that this night actually happened and I didn't imagine the whole thing..
(Wed 14th Nov 2007, 6:30, More)