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» Intense Friendships

Blood Brothers
Waaaay back when I were a wee scamp (about 6 if memory serves me correctly), I was part of a close-knit club called the "Secret Boys" which I now realise sounds a touch gay but I digress..

The three of us would hold meetings in our underwear and have wrestling matches in our pants as well as going for a pee at the same time and trying not to 'cross the streams' in a Ghostbusters kind of way. I now realise this sounds a touch gay but I digress..

One day my friend Jordan came into the meeting room (which was in fact my bedroom) and said he had found a way we could be friends forever - he saw it in a movie. We were intrigued...

He explained that we had to cut our palms and then shake hands to seal the bond. This sounded scientifically sound at the time so we thought we'd give it a shot.

So using Jordan's older brother's compass, we each carved ourselves a trench really fucking deep into our palms and then shook on it with each other to seal the deal...

Everything seemed fine after that although we were in a lot of pain.

Anyway, the days progressed gradually with more underwear-clad wrestling matches and communal peeing which I now realise sounds a touch gay but I digress..

Then on the 4th day Jordan didn't show up at my house. We called that day's meeting of and went to play football instead.

That night my mum came into my romo to tell em that Jordan was in hospital with Hepetitis (sp?) contracted via a cut in his hand, and that he was very, very sick. We went to visit him and he was not at all well.

A week later he died. It really sucked, and we were really upset for a long time but we never spoke of it to any grown ups. Ever. Jordan would have been proud, and I like to think that somewhere he's looking down smiling and peeing on us still.

The Secret Boys disbanded shortly after.

Apologies for length but not for girth.
(Fri 28th Jul 2006, 13:00, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

slimey discharge
I haven't worked a full day (or even 1/2 day for that matter) in months. Having a desk at the back of the office is handy :)

I come in, and surf the web all day. Occassionally I'll be badgered into doing something, but for the most part, I'm lurking on here, or facebook or ebay.

As well as this I'm also scouring the server room for things to flog on Ebay. In the last 3 months I've netted almost a grand by selling stuff the company had forgotten about (and somethings that it hadn't forgotten about).

Yeah, I should probably be fired.

Good thing I'm the only one with access to remove our proxy server web logs eh?!
(Thu 9th Aug 2007, 15:30, More)

» Mugged

Coincidentally...
Was 'semi-mugged' today on the way back from my lunch break.

Was strolling back to the office through the deserted 'Leisure Park' in Stevenage after a lunchtime pint when I notice 3 tracksuit-clad chavs swaggering toward me. A vague panic sets in, and not wanting to appear a coward (to the other non-existant people in the Leisure Park) for no real reason, I decide to keeping walking in their direction (as it is the way to my office anyway). As we pass each other, one of them grabs me by the arm, reeking of cheap aftershave (probably from one of those Argos selection boxes) and his 9ct gold necklaces reflecting the sun into my eyes. Like a cheap 21 year old white Mr T, he growls:

"gimme yo' phone mate".
Me: "yeah whatever, let me keep my SIM though, there's no credit on it anyway and i want my numbers"
Chave [email protected]: "whatever mate, just give us yo' phone".

Cue me fumbling with SIM card..his mates are shufling in their shoes, this obviously taking more time then they are comfortable with.

"here you go dude, happy?" says me, handing over my mobile.
Chave [email protected]: "ROFL, LOL, LMAO etc etc"
(I don't think they like my phone...)
Chave [email protected]: "Keep it mate, get a better one for next time"
(Next time?)
Me: "you're not impressed with my phone?"
Chave [email protected]: "you've chewed the f*cking aerial to pieces and it's a piece of shit anyway".
Chave [email protected]: "see ya"
Me: "hope not"

We go our separate ways and I head back to the office to write this.

I actually felt kinda crap after that, I don't even have good enough stuff for chavs to want to steal... D'oh
(Fri 16th Jun 2006, 14:49, More)

» Missing body parts

Foreskin Japery
7 years old and teasing the neighbours dog through the flimsy excuse for a wooden fence between our adjacent back gardens...

Cue large dog, broken fence, teeth gnashing, foreskin tearing, 7 year old crying, blood seeping, mum screaming, doctors laughing.

And that ladies and genitalmen is the story of how I ended up undergoing a circumcision.

No apologies for girth or length as I have neither.
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 12:27, More)

» Stupid Dares

To Poo or not to Poo...
Summer 1995, school holidays, sunny days, knuckling down to GCSE revision (NOT!) and all that malarkey.

Anyway, a few lads from school dare me £20 (which was a lot of money back then...) to go for a month without taking a dump. "Hmmm" says I, "I accept your challenge"...

Now, being the monkey that I am, I didn't stop to think that I could poo in the comfort of my own home where no one would ever know; subsequently lie about my fecal deposits and at the end of the month claim my 20quid reward... No. I went the whole hog.

20 or so days later, I'm laid up in bed with a fever, stomach cramps like you would no believe and a bowel full of some kind of unholy nastiness. I couldn't sleep properly for fear of unleashing my 'child', and I could barely move towards the end.

Needless to say I didn't abstain for the full month. I did however manage 22 days, which I feel is moderately impressive. The 'birthing' process was a long and painful one however, and one which lasted well into the following day (not in one continuous session might I add, but several lengthy shifts at the porcelain temple).

That was 13 years ago.

Last year I happened to be in the local shopping centre when I heard a cry of "Oi! small-non-bearded-gentleman-of-indistinguishable-origin, have you been for a shite yet?" resonating from below me...

Bah. All that pain and I never did get my £20.


the end.

by small-non-bearded-gentleman-of-indistinguishable-origin. Age 27 3/4


No apologies for length, but perhaps for the odour.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 16:29, More)
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