b3ta.com user Prof. Moriarty
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» Pet Peeves

Credit where it is due.
It really grinds my gears when for example someone gets in a car wreck, they are completely fucked up, head hanging off, blood pissing everywhere. The fire brigade spend an hour cutting them out while stood in a pool of petrol that could go up any second, and the ambulance crew keep this person alive by whatever magic they perform, again in the same environment. At the hospital a team of dedicated and overworked heroes put all their energy into saving this one life. After hours of groundbreaking surgery and months of painstaking therapy the patient once again has a semblance of a normal life. Who do they thank for this?

They thank God/Jesus.

Throw them back in the fucking flames.
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 3:16, More)

» Cheap Tat

Expensive cheap tat
Signed up with BT internet. They sent me a 'BT home hub'. Cheap bastards. The thing has been built by chromosomally abnormal chinese gibbons for about 8p a unit.

As soon as I have soak tested my new netgear router that box of sweatshop crap is going to be thermited in the garden. Hope they don't want it back.
(Fri 4th Jan 2008, 20:51, More)

» Spoooky Coincidence

Back when the X-files was popular, there was an episode featuring some autistic bloke obsessed with counting things. At some point the butterfingered mong drops a jar of those shiny paper stars and goes apeshit.

What the hell is that glinting on the floor in front of the TV? Is it 5p? Is it a rogue sneeze? No. It's a silver paper star.

Still no idea where it came from as none of us had any of those stars.
(Fri 9th Feb 2007, 18:25, More)

» My first experience of porn

My first experience.
of the 'good stuff' was thanks to my dear old dad. Before this I had made do with the lingerie section of the Littlewoods catalogue.

Dad was showing me how the internet works (This was quite a while ago) and he actually put hardcore porn in front of me and said - "this is what life and the internet is all about." I was too stunned to respond having been faced with a lady being filled with what appeared to be a pair of pepperami zeppelins. Thanks dad.

Has anyone actually placed a porn mag in a bush rather than just found one? I would like to know who has been seeding Britain's flora with precious smut and indeed why.
(Sun 28th Jan 2007, 0:34, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

A pearoast from the nativity plays question.
I was cast for some reason as one of several red indians. An odd choice for a Christmas play, but being about eight, I really didn't have a huge amount of say in the matter.
This particular tale takes place during the dress rehearsal which was performed in front of the rest of the school during a special assembly.
Picture a skinny, milk bottle white runt of a child with a feather taped to his head and clad in an item of apparel consisting of what can only be described as a pair of flaps (you know the kind of thing I am referring to i'm sure) lovingly decorated with meticulously researched hunting scenes using a purple crayola, but alas very poorly constructed. (not by me I might add) This will be a factor later, but for the moment I was happy enough with the arrangement.
Of course genuine native americans did not have Y-fronts visible in the gap up the side of their flap based garments, and so neither did our protagonist in this little tale. No keks for this kid. No, I was taking method acting to its limits for this one. You think Sitting Bull wore Marks and Spencer underpants with Ewoks on them? I couldn't have improved my authenticity quotient if I had scalped the kid playing the christmas tree and set up a casino. I was Geronimo, I was Hiawatha, I was Tonto, I was naked in front of the entire school. Fucksocks.

The odd thing is that only about a quarter of the audience noticed, I put this down to my super rapid re-hoisting of my flaps. This speed came in handy during my teenage years when it was channelled into a finely honed 'wanker's reflex'.

Length? Well, I was only 8...
(Thu 28th May 2009, 19:17, More)
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