» Lies I told on my CV

Freeloading in Amsterdam
A friend of mine informed me that her company was recruiting for a junior Java programmer position in their Amsterdam office.
They were having no luck in the Dutch market so they had adopted a policy of advertising in the UK and flying the applicants to Holland for the weekend to butter them up.
I was not very experienced in IT at the time but I decided wisely enough to BS about some VB experience that i didn't have.
I reasoned that if they were a Java shop they would have fuck all use for VB and would know as much as me about it (which was and still is nothing!).
At the worst I would have a weekend at their expense and get to meet my mate again.

Using Google I found a load of CV’s and used these to piece together something workable.
My referees were the mobile phone numbers of my mates in back home who were all primed to back my story up.
Within a week of applying I got an invite to come over for the interview.

I accepted their invitation and was flown over on the Friday night to have the interview on the Monday.
I duly arrived and immediately cleaned out the mini-bar, I ordered room service (most expensive on the menu), used the residents bar late into the night on Friday and Saturday and charged everything to the room. I had also perused the selection of Adult entertainment available in my room.

All of this turned up on the bill!
On the Monday the guy who was to interview me arrived. He greeted me warmly before going to the desk to pay the bill.
I was expecting him to explode at all the shit on there but all he said was "yesh, thishh ish very expenshive" (Think Austin Powers - Gold Member).
I was somewhat surprised that he wished to continue the interview. I had, after all, taken complete liberty with their undertaking to cover my expenses for the weekend.

As I had expected they asked me about my VB experience which I covered quite well. They never asked any specific programming questions or I would have been in real trouble. I confessed that I knew fcuk all about Java but was willing to learn.

2 weeks later they offered me the job. Within a week they knew I was rubbish but I was catching on well. After 3 months I was competent. After 7 months I left for twice the pay in another company – boy-o-boy they were pissed.
6 years on I’m a Java contractor.
I never tell the truth on my C.V – it gets you no where.
What people fail to recognize is that all a CV does is get you an interview. It is up to you to BS that and get the job.
… anyway companies lie blatantly also. How many times have you heard the words “we have an open door policy”?
The only “open door” is the one they push you through when profit takes a nose dive.
(Fri 7th Jul 2006, 8:26, More)

» Running away

... and now he is a copper!
My mate was a big lad and well able to take care of himself in a ruck - if, and only if!, cornered with no other option but to dish out some justice.
He was famous for saving his own bacon at the expence of his mates.
One time the little cnut started mouthing off drunkenly at some guys outside a chippy at about 2 in the morning. Stupidly we stood up to back up our mate. There was a lot of the usual abuse back and forth before the first punch. There was 4 of them against 3 of us ... well it should have been 3!
When I looked around the bastard was nowhere to be seen. He had started it and scarpered off when it looked like getting rough.
We got our revenge by spiking him with imodium for 3 days on a camping trip before giving him a laxative to help him out!
Best of all is that he is now a cop! Apparently he carries a huge maglite these days and is known as Zoro by the other cops!
(Mon 14th Aug 2006, 14:09, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

Reading a CV
I interviewed a guy once - he had spent 2 years as a "house husband". If he wasn't smart enough to cover that one with a lie he wasnt going to be on my team! i just didn't have any respect for the man.
Oh and I also had to interview an approx. 7 month pregnant woman secretary.
(Fri 7th Jul 2006, 9:45, More)