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» Awesome Sickies
Poo related
I'm currently in Australia, having a lovely time. I have recently found myself a job, wandering the streets of sydney offering Energy Australia customers discounts on their bills providing they sign up for three more years.
On my 4th day i awoke feeling slightly dodgy and was tempted to ring in sick but decided i shouldn't having only just started.
I had just spoke to my second customer a Vietnamese lady who i wooed with my knowledge of the vietnamese language, she signed up of course earning me some commision, good stuff, good start to the day.
I wander a little further and think ooooo i need to have a poo.I has a look at my map, and see there is a park about 10 minutes away, i'll aim for there, parks always have public toilets.
1 Minute into my walk, i thinks ooooooooooo this dosn't feel to good, i'm going to have to get a move on, so i start a harold bishop paced power walk, ooooooooo this isn't good my power walk is shifting the poo closer to my sphincter, i'll walk slower and think about other things.
BAM my stomach explodes filling my boxer shorts with cack,oooooooo bloody hell i'm thinking, i'm in the middle of no where, i've pooed myself and i'm about 5 minutes away to the park. I open my backpack, yes yes i have some tissues, i stand in the middle of the street, carefully placing tissues down my crevace trying to create a blockage so the faeces cannot dribble down ones leg. Now what do i do?! I spot in the distance a man with his garage open, i waddle up with hand placed on buttocks, 'hello there, bit of an odd request can i use your toilet,' praise the lord he said yes. I step inside where his stunning wife is, hello i say, he says to her 'i think he's had a little bit of an accident'.
I clean myself up, i remove the bum fudge from my cheeks.
I stick my pants in my backpack and i get the hell out of there. My pants now live in a bin in Botany Bay.
The story does not end there-
I obviously decided i wasn't going to continue with my day, mainly as i smelt a bit.
Anyway, i got the bus back to the city, then a train back to my girlfriends house, yes i hear you cry finally he has a toilet to deposit his bowels in.
No ladies and gentleman i didn't, i had no key, and no one was home. Never fear there is a spare key in the garage, so i ring the wench to ask for its whereabouts, she doesn't answer----------i hear a rumbling in the turd factory------- i ring again, no answer--------again, no answer.
So rather than Shit my trousers (due to the lack of pants), i decided i would excrete in a flower pot and wait until i could get in the house.
The moral of the story is do ring in sick.
I know it's long, but it's my first time and i don't know what to do with it.
(Sun 11th Jun 2006, 14:39, More)
Poo related
I'm currently in Australia, having a lovely time. I have recently found myself a job, wandering the streets of sydney offering Energy Australia customers discounts on their bills providing they sign up for three more years.
On my 4th day i awoke feeling slightly dodgy and was tempted to ring in sick but decided i shouldn't having only just started.
I had just spoke to my second customer a Vietnamese lady who i wooed with my knowledge of the vietnamese language, she signed up of course earning me some commision, good stuff, good start to the day.
I wander a little further and think ooooo i need to have a poo.I has a look at my map, and see there is a park about 10 minutes away, i'll aim for there, parks always have public toilets.
1 Minute into my walk, i thinks ooooooooooo this dosn't feel to good, i'm going to have to get a move on, so i start a harold bishop paced power walk, ooooooooo this isn't good my power walk is shifting the poo closer to my sphincter, i'll walk slower and think about other things.
BAM my stomach explodes filling my boxer shorts with cack,oooooooo bloody hell i'm thinking, i'm in the middle of no where, i've pooed myself and i'm about 5 minutes away to the park. I open my backpack, yes yes i have some tissues, i stand in the middle of the street, carefully placing tissues down my crevace trying to create a blockage so the faeces cannot dribble down ones leg. Now what do i do?! I spot in the distance a man with his garage open, i waddle up with hand placed on buttocks, 'hello there, bit of an odd request can i use your toilet,' praise the lord he said yes. I step inside where his stunning wife is, hello i say, he says to her 'i think he's had a little bit of an accident'.
I clean myself up, i remove the bum fudge from my cheeks.
I stick my pants in my backpack and i get the hell out of there. My pants now live in a bin in Botany Bay.
The story does not end there-
I obviously decided i wasn't going to continue with my day, mainly as i smelt a bit.
Anyway, i got the bus back to the city, then a train back to my girlfriends house, yes i hear you cry finally he has a toilet to deposit his bowels in.
No ladies and gentleman i didn't, i had no key, and no one was home. Never fear there is a spare key in the garage, so i ring the wench to ask for its whereabouts, she doesn't answer----------i hear a rumbling in the turd factory------- i ring again, no answer--------again, no answer.
So rather than Shit my trousers (due to the lack of pants), i decided i would excrete in a flower pot and wait until i could get in the house.
The moral of the story is do ring in sick.
I know it's long, but it's my first time and i don't know what to do with it.
(Sun 11th Jun 2006, 14:39, More)
» Lies I told on my CV
Lies lies and more lies
Before i applied to be a caretaker at the local primary school i told them i'd never shagged an under 12.
OOo the cheek of it.
(Fri 7th Jul 2006, 1:21, More)
Lies lies and more lies
Before i applied to be a caretaker at the local primary school i told them i'd never shagged an under 12.
OOo the cheek of it.
(Fri 7th Jul 2006, 1:21, More)
» The most cash I've ever carried
When i had money- those were the days
I once had about two thousand of your english sterling quids on me, in a tesco bag, i wandered the streets of Birmingham to get to St Andrews to buy two season tickets- wish i'd been bloody mugged.
(Wed 28th Jun 2006, 2:43, More)
When i had money- those were the days
I once had about two thousand of your english sterling quids on me, in a tesco bag, i wandered the streets of Birmingham to get to St Andrews to buy two season tickets- wish i'd been bloody mugged.
(Wed 28th Jun 2006, 2:43, More)
» I hurt my rude bits
Leaves
When i was at school for some unknown reason i thought it would be a good idea to take part in the Duke Of Edinburgh scheme. Unfortunatly the story does not now go into ramblings of how i broke my cock in his arse, it goes like this:
We were sent out on the expedition Exmoor, Exeter, i dunno can't remember. I awoke on the third morning in our freezing tent and really needed to go for a shit, so i ambled about until i found a nice space where none of my mates could see me, curled one out- not a problem. Had no toilet paper or any tissues on me, so reached around for the nearest greenery to remove excess cack, all fine and dandy- however as soon as i pulled my trousers up an intense stinging sensation took over my sphincter and my arse cheeks, i spent the rest of the day walking 30 pissing miles randomly grabbing doc leaves and desperatly wiping them on my arse.
Happy Days.
(Mon 17th Jul 2006, 7:14, More)
Leaves
When i was at school for some unknown reason i thought it would be a good idea to take part in the Duke Of Edinburgh scheme. Unfortunatly the story does not now go into ramblings of how i broke my cock in his arse, it goes like this:
We were sent out on the expedition Exmoor, Exeter, i dunno can't remember. I awoke on the third morning in our freezing tent and really needed to go for a shit, so i ambled about until i found a nice space where none of my mates could see me, curled one out- not a problem. Had no toilet paper or any tissues on me, so reached around for the nearest greenery to remove excess cack, all fine and dandy- however as soon as i pulled my trousers up an intense stinging sensation took over my sphincter and my arse cheeks, i spent the rest of the day walking 30 pissing miles randomly grabbing doc leaves and desperatly wiping them on my arse.
Happy Days.
(Mon 17th Jul 2006, 7:14, More)