» Lies I told on my CV

I've never had to lie.
I'm a full time barmaid. Getting a job for me involves drinking in a pub, drunkenly asking if they have any jobs, then answering two questions:

1. Are you over eighteen?

2. Can you pull a pint?

Although I imagine that if I ever wanted to move out of the industry, I'd have to do a bit of lying on my CV as working in pubs since you dropped out of college doesn't count for much when you want a 'proper job'.
(Wed 12th Jul 2006, 22:55, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Myself and an ex.....
'Getting down to it'.. about ten minutes after the deed is actually done he turns on the lights and there's blood everywhere. Neither of us know what to do and although there is a nurse asleep in the next room, she's also my mother, so not a lot can be said to her without her realising that her daughter has sex.

A half hour long phonecall to NHS Direct later, we're in an ambulance. The paramedic sitting in the back with us finds the whole situation hilarious, especially the fact that my ex (on the advice of NHS Direct) has one of my t-shirts, full of ice, shoved down his jeans. We get out the ambulance at the hospital and various paramedics are having a fag break in the exact spot that we get out- they also find this quite amusing.

Bless them though, we only had to wait five minutes in a very busy A&E. Although we (I say we- I mean he, and me standing close by pissing myself laughing) then have to explain the situation to three people before a doctor finally tells us that he's snapped his banjo string, and it just has to be left alone now the bleeding has stopped and it'll heal itself.

A month and a half later, it happens again.

The best part of all of this is, I sent a text message to my best friend whilst in the aforementioned ambulance and she sends me a reply (which I still have, and am quoting word for word) saying 'You've just told me possibly the funniest thing ever, and I hope to God you're not joking'.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 0:11, More)