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Blah blah, fucking blah. I had a load of shite up here but, really, I can't be arsed anyway. And it wasn't funny, so I deleted it. I mean, who the fuck is gonna look at this profile, eh? What sad twunt would click someone's name just to see what rubbish text and crappy pictures he/she/it made? I mean, come on to fuck, especially one who has no phottoshopping skill and just enough tech-savvy to post up crappy links? Ahh, I don't know....

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» Missing body parts

My E.T. Fingers
My first ever post, thought I'd share a story with you all...

Imagaine the scene: After what seems like days of labour, a woman has finally given birth to a bouncy healthy boy. Or so she thinks. The midwife in charge goes up to the now-relieved new mother to reveal a startling, shocking revelation.

'Erm, Madam, there seems to be a problem with your baby...'
'Oh god no. He hasn't got a terminal illness has he? Please don't tell me he's mentally handicapped, please!'
Oh no, madam, nothing that bad, its just that, well, erm...
'What?!'
'He has 6 fingers, miss, on each hand.'
'Ohh god, my son's like an alien!'

That boy was me- surprisingly. Yes, I was born with 12 fingers in total, one extra mini-little pinky appendage attached just about halfway down my pinkys. I had, in short, ET fingers. Apparently, the doctors said to my mum this is quite common, but I'll be buggered if I've ever met anyone with extra mini-fingers. The Japanese also consider babies born with 6 fingers as having bad luck, which may explain the bullying, the Emoness and the extreme lack of skills in picking up girls that I have. I was also born on Saddamn Hussein's birthday, so maybe that might have been a factor.

Anyway, the doctors and my mum agreed that the best thing to do would be to take off the extra digits. Did the doctors do this in surgery, with a neat incision and a little couple of stitches? Did they fuck. Instead, they decided the best way to get rid of them would be to tie a piece of string around the fingers , stopping the blood flow to the fingers and actually wait for them to basically die and drop off! I shit you not! And as a lovely little souvenier to remind us of the fact that I was born a bit of freak, my mum got to take home a small glass of formaldehyde which contained the blackened stumps that used to be my fingers. Can't think of nothing better myself really.

So, that would be the end of that. Well no, it wouldn't. One day later, when I was still months old, my mum took me on a ferry. And, yep, you've guessed it, she lost them. My 2 extra fingers. In a glass of formaldehyde. On a ship.

To this day, I still envision the scene of a cleaner lady meticulously cleaning up the ferry ship after a long day and suddenly coming across a jar of what, to her, would seem to be two horribly blackened leeches, like something out of a scientific experiment. And then screaming, loudly, and running away for dear life. And I smirk to myself a little.

Oh yeah, and in case you guys think I'm telling porkies here, the little digits left their own little mark on my pinkies, in the form of two small little lumps. And here's the proof: img402.imageshack.us/my.php?image=etfingers8ds.jpg

Apologies? Length? John Holmes didn't apologize, and neither will I.
(Tue 6th Jun 2006, 17:31, More)

» Insults

A moment of divine inspiration
When still at High School, me and my mates were walking from the chippy telling random dead baby jokes. You know, what's funnier than a dead baby? BDead baby in a clown suit. Stuff like that. Anyway, my mate Alex starts to tell another joke: 'What's purple and floppy?'I don't know where it came from. It just popped into my head and, before I even registered it, it had formed words in my mouth and left them in the general direction to said mate.

'ALEX'S PENIS!'

Got a punch or 5 for that one. Was well worth it though.
(Sat 6th Oct 2007, 16:59, More)