b3ta.com user Smoked Oysters
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I'm just this guy, you know?

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» The worst sex I ever had

I dated a Republican (American).
Not all Californians understand sex: California is divided into north and south on many important issues.
Date a woman from Santa Monica (LA) and you may have someone look into your eyes three point five minutes into the act and demand in a tone of panic: "Why haven't you come yet? CAN'T YOU?"
I am serious, that is a quote.
That is a quote, I am serious.

My cousin had the worst sex of her life with a Republican, as well: be warned: not everyone in California gets it.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 12:21, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

Rattlesnakes are not my power animal.
On the last bit of a beautiful day's hike in the California hills, I see a pretty big (at least five feet long, more girthy than any but the most huge of pickles) really healthy looking (greenish blue almost) diamondback, it's all peaced out in the sun and I reason thusly:

The head is nearly six feet from the tail, so if I stroke the tail what's the worst that can happen.

Well when a snake coils up quickly the head and tail head move toward the middle, so now it's less than three feet from my hand, all pissed.

The strike of a snake like that really doesn't have a great range, but I still got my Stupid Monkey Gold Star that day when I was looking for a nice reptile moment.
I *do* share a common ancestor with chimps, there is no other explanation.
(Sat 29th Jan 2011, 6:34, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

Coming to a cashier's defence
I find myself in line behind a customer who had been as abusive to the cashier as he could without actually winding up in jail, so as he turned to leave I stepped up and told her:
"Two is SUCH a hard age"

He lost what was left of his control, knocked over a display as he turned to sputter at me but:
"YOU - - - STUPID!"
Was all he could get out before marching off.
(Thu 24th Nov 2011, 22:33, More)

» Advice from Old People

I waited (as a waiter) on two fifty year anniversaries in one week.
Each couple spontaneously said the same thing:

"Don't get married, son."
(Sun 22nd Jun 2008, 4:25, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

Bonus Story
I was waiting tables at The Inn At Morro Bay, our big landmark Morro Rock (yeah it's a pretty big rock) was visible from our window.
It was summer time so fog often prevented the tourists from viewing the rock, and I liked telling them that they wouldn't want to see it right now anyway because it was being cleaned and it was all covered with scaffolding (this is a peregrine falcon rookery, not a statue).

So one evening I repeat this line to a couple and the guy says "Really?"
His date's eyes get big, she starts laughing and she says "Do it again! Do it again! He's been doing that to me ALL DAY LONG!"
(Fri 14th Jan 2011, 6:28, More)
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