b3ta.com user Darrage
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» Mugged

A mugging with a twist...
Coming out of a local water-ing hole in my uni days, on the way to my place.

A guy steps out (10 foot tall at least, honest) and says "give me your money", apparently I'd drunk enough to become rather brave, but not enough to find myself able to laugh at having my money taken with such a cliché. Anyway, all I had on me was £20, which had to pay for my food for the next 3 weeks, as well as the phone bill which was £30 on its own.

I told him this and said he could go to the effort of beating the shit out of me for the sake of £20, or he could piss off and mug someone who could afford it. With that, I turned around and strolled (ok..walked as fast as I could) away. "Wait a second, mate", he shouted. "Mate?", I thought.

He only proceeds to tell me his name, point to his house, and tells me to return the £10 to him when I can afford it, yes, the £10 he's just slipped into my top pocket. This mugger not only let me keep my money, but gave me some of his own.

Ok, probably not that funny, but it was the easiest £10 I ever made, I called it mugger's tax. ;)

*pop* My b3ta virginity is gone.
(Tue 20th Jun 2006, 12:54, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Hmm, 3 come to mind.
1) Firstly, getting convinced to see if toothpaste gaves masturbation an even nicer feeling. It doesn't. First it feels cold, very cold. They it itches a litt,e and then it burns like hell when Satan doesn't have to worry about the heating bill so turns the thermostat up to ultra-heat. Even after a thorough cleaning it took nearly 45 minutes before I could do the deed. :(

2) If anyone has a playful cat, you'll know that it can be dangerous to move your feet too much when you're in bed, as the cat thinks that you're playing, and they don't hold back. Teeth and claws, combined with feet is not very pleasant. And so you can probably understand that teeth, claws, and an erect penis is pretty painful too.

I got him castrated a few weeks after though. That taught the bastard.

3) This is the most painful, and the most embarrassing of my three, without a doubt.

I was about 15. A virgin, and in the state of constant arousal. And I saw a "DIY vagina". Seriously. It was two peices of plastic that you put together and filled with water, and then put it in the freezer. It looked pretty tempting. And I tried to...*wink* *nudge*...you know.

Prolonged contact between ice and skin leads to them being fused together. So what's the worst thing to do? Try to just use force to pull it apart, ripping skin off my sex-tool.

Warm water finally detached the ice vagina from my penis, but it could never cleanse it from my memory. :(
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 0:24, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Just yesterday actually
I'm a fan of Aston Villa FC, who are on the brink of being taken over by American billionnaire, Randy Lerner.

Last night I was walking home (after a few ales, which may have made it seem a better idea than it was) whilst singing "I'm a Randy man".

Apparently people didn't notice the upper-case "r".
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 14:49, More)

» My Collection

Traffic cones!
Yes, I know, every drunken pillock runs around with one of them on their head at least once.

But this is different; I have - as of last night - 19 traffic cones of various shapes (usually coney, though) and sizes, which have been collected from across the east midlands or a period of a few months.

I'm going to make a wall, or an army, I'm not sure.

I'll take a photo tomorrow. :D

Length? It's the height that matters!

Edit: I've just had the sugegstion that I should use them as a giant chess set, I feel it's an idea with potential. However, it will require me to get many matching cones, meaning I'll probably have to return to the scene of the crime. It could be worth it though. Having said that, I don't fancy putting lino down in the garden.
(Thu 11th Jan 2007, 17:23, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

Looking forward to the big pay day
When I was about 15 I was looking for a part-time job. My uncle, kind man that he is, offers me 20 a day to work for two weeks in the half-term, as a general 'carrying stuff' bloke (he's a landscape gardener). I only worked week days, so was expecting 10*20=£200.

It worked out at about £2.50 an hour, and I thought it was great.

Come the last Friday, he told me to go around to his house after work. I drag me aching body to his house, and I bring a football pump to protect myself with (I didn't have a baseball bat, but it was a huge amount of money, and I needed to protect myself).

He gave me four shiny 50p pieces.

Next week, let's have "have you ever beaten a relative over the head with a football pump", as QOTW.
(Thu 22nd Jun 2006, 13:28, More)
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