» My sex misconceptions

Asterix
When I was younger, my parents used to throw a huge costume party about once a year. A hundred or so of their friends would invade our house dressed in ridiculous outfits, while all the kids were shut in a bedroom to watch videos and get utterly buzzed on caffeinated soft drinks (sometimes even staying awake up until the heady hour of two in the morning!).

One year, when I would have been about nine or ten, the APs were discussing the theme of their next bash. Now, at the time, I had just been reading an Asterix book - specifically, Asterix in Switzerland. This features a Roman official who periodically throws large parties for all his Roman buddies, except they aren't called parties - they're called orgies.

Of course, since Asterix is a book for kiddies, these "orgies" don't actually feature any sex - just drinking and music and, because it's set in Switzerland, fondue. My parents happened to own a fondue set (a wedding present, which they didn't actually end up using for the first time until their silver wedding anniversary).

So it came to pass that, armed with my misconception, I in all innocence walked up to my parents and suggested that for their next party they could invite all their friends over for an orgy.

It was another six or so years before I figured out why they both went bright crimson and stifled laughs upon my suggestion. I didn't get it at the time. After all, who doesn't love fondue?
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 17:00, More)

» Mums

My mum is awesome
Back when I was about 15, my younger brother was lying on the couch watching telly, so I sneaked up on him and farted on his head, because I was a teenager so it was hilarious. He was not pleased and chased me through the house yelling. My mum stopped us and asked what was going on. He pointed at me and angrily shouted "He farted on MY FACE!"

Mum looked at him, and then replied in a perfect South Park Canadian accent "I say! Terrance! Pull my finger! Aaahahahaha!" He was left dumbfounded and feebly protesting while I doubled over in laughter.

You rock, mum.
(Fri 12th Feb 2010, 0:49, More)

» Buses

The hideous undead
Last Saturday it was time once again for the annual zombie march. About 50-60 of us gathered in a park, clad in the raiments of the grave and splattered in the finest fake blood we could manufacture (top tip: use cocoa powder, it makes it dry nice and realistically). At the pre-arranged time, we formed up and began our shamble - through the street market, packed with tourists, up into the centre of the city, a quick detour to the blood bank, before finishing at (where else) the pub.

The march was grand fun. We lurched and twitched our way through the city, guttural moans and bone-chilling shrieks emanating from our decaying lips as onlookers stared on, some amused, some bemused, all pulling out phones and cameras to capture pictures of the foul horde. As we neared the end of our journey, all looking forward to a pint of cold beer, a double-decker tour bus came along the street towards us. This was too good an opportunity to pass up. The bus driver must have thought so, too, because he pulled up right next to us.

The vile ranks of the undead spilled onto the road, hands clawing at the windows as we pressed against the bus, our calls for braaaaaiiinnnss filling the air. The driver of the bus was pissing himself laughing, while on the top deck, the Indian tourists aboard jostled for position as they snapped photo after photo of the necromantic swarm. For all I know, they thought this was just another part of the tour.

Our job done, the bus pulled away and we filed into the pub. I sank a few pints, had a game of pool, and peeled the latex off my face. All in all, a great day.



Cheers!
(Wed 1st Jul 2009, 13:36, More)

» Vandalism

Possibly an urban legend
Following a defeat of the All Blacks at the hands of the Wallabies, a disgruntled Kiwi fan showed his displeasure by writing the following on the wall of a bathroom at the stadium:

AUSTRALIA SUX

Unfortunately for the hapless sheep-shagger, an Australian fan then followed this up with:

NEW ZEALAND NUL
(Fri 8th Oct 2010, 0:35, More)

» School Projects

Grade 9 or 10 science class
The teacher was discussing acid rain, and how combustion products of sulphur combine with water in clouds to form sulphuric acid. He then challenged the students to come up with a way to collect the smoke from a sample of burning sulphur.

At this point the class dero, who has spent most of the year either absent or in a THC-induced daze, steps up to the plate by constructing the perfect device to isolate smoke.

A bucket bong.

The teacher had no idea what it actually was, of course, and gave him a commendation for his "original thinking".
(Thu 13th Aug 2009, 18:08, More)