» Mugged

Long-time lurker, first-time caller
I would love it if this story involved me dispensing Ong Bak-style justice to the evil-doers involved, but I was only 15 and so had to resort to using the awesome power of the British legal system instead.

Me and a mate went into McDonalds on the way home from school and as we sat so I could enjoy my nutritiuous meal we were acosted by some youths from a rival school. I saw them approaching and so put my Maccy D's bag on the floor under my chair. The lads the began the whole 'can you lend me a pound' routine that was so popular in the mid-90s and I rather foolishly produced my wallet hoping that a pound coin would my end my harrassment. Their magnificent leader snatched the wallet from my hand and rifled through it - finding about £3.85 in change. I had no credit cards in those days but I did have a BT Chargecard (for those unaware of these, back in the day before most 10 year olds carried telecommunications equipment that rival NASA, a chargecard was a phonecard that allowed you to charge any call to your home number by entering a code before dialling.)

My empty wallet was handed back to me and the youths departed. I reached down under my chair only to find that my delicious McDonalds had also been taken. Dejected and depressed, me and my mate left the establishment and went home - chalking the matter up to experience.

That evening, I was suprised to get a call from the local cop-shop.

Copper: "Do you own a BT Chargecard?"
Me: "Yes. Well, no. It was nicked this afternoon."
Copper: "Thought so. This kid we've just arrested said he found it in a phonebox but we knew he was lying."

The story happened thusly: These youths, no doubt hugely boosted by their successful raid on yours truly, had walked about 5 mins up the high street and robbed some other kid. Unfortunately, he had put up more resistance and had the living sh*t kicked out of him (that £3.85 it seems was money well spent.)

These lads had duly been arrested and found in their possesion was my chargecard (bearing my name) and a quick call to BT had yielded my details. A few hours later a very nice constable called at my house to take my statement. It seems that the lads could be charged with

a) Robbery (the fact that one of them physically took the wallet out of my hand technically constituted robbery - the dick);
b) Theft of possesions (the chargecard);
and my favourite, c) theft of groceries! (yes, that is a real crime - although he was probably doing me a favour by nicking my wholesome burger-based meal.)

I slept well that night in the knowledge that justice had triumphed over evil. (Although when I look back on it, it's very likely their time in Feltham Young Offenders Institute lead to my young assailants hardening into borderline-sociopathic career criminals who will now rob me as an adult using unnecessary levels of violence. But now I'm all grown-up I can easily dispense the aforementioned Ong-Bak retribution so it's not of great concern.)




No apologies - Surgically enhanced for both length, girth and performance.


*pop* - today I am a man.
(Tue 20th Jun 2006, 10:49, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Phirmosis
Many moons ago, a young and sexually precocious man named Chexworth found he could not do it with the ladies.

The reason? Phirmosis - an excess of foreskin. A fact discovered during the already nerve-wracking act of virginity loss, not helped by the lady in question, eight years his senoir and in possesion of levels of tact that make Prince Phillip look like the head of the Commission for Racial Equality, saying: 'You need to get that checked out' before donning her clothes and walking out.

Now, young Chexworth went for a consultation only to be told that he would have to wait nearly 7 months for his op (a popular proceedure amongst those of the Jewish faith.)

During this time he met and fell for a very nice French girl who, after several abortive attempts at the physical act of love, broke up with him citing 'no real specific reason' for her actions.

Cue Mr Chexworth's decent into emo levels of desperation and despair - not helped by the fact that the surgeon chose her cases on a priority basis and didn't regard his problem as particularly life-threatening. Only after an abusive call from the young man's mother telling her that he had now become clinically depressed and was self-harming did she conclude that perhaps it was more of a priority for him than she'd first imagined.

An appointment was arranged within a few weeks and the surgeon - the delightfully monikered Dr Blades (unfortuantely she didn't have the Edward Scissorhands I had expected) performed the operation.

Cue many weeks of agonising recovery including:
-A friendly nurse being told to 'Shut the fuck up and concentrate' as she tried to make conversation while examining little Chexworth, an act which caused levels of pain which made bright lights dance in his vision.
-the removal of the bandages in a salt bath where the young man got his first look at his butchered appendage (black and swollen and resembling nothing of the mighty device of his memory) and laughing out loud in a way reminiscient of the scene where the Joker first asks for the mirror in Batman.
-waking in the middle of the night with the pleasantly warm sensation of what is euphimistically described as 'morning glory', only for that to be replaced by the screaming agony as stiches pop and blood soaks the sheets.

All in all, an unpleasant experience, both physically and psychologically.

But it's many years later and all's well - and i've done it with lots of girls now.


No apologies - surgically enhanced for length, girth and performance.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 11:21, More)

» Bullies

Closed Question Bullying
Reasonably clever piece of bullying invented by a mid-level git in my school:

"Have you ever sucked on your Mum's tits?"

Answer no and you are bullied for not being breastfed; you're Mum is an alcoholic, your Mum's got no tits, etc.

Answer yes and the obvious "HAH, YOU SUCKED ON YOUR MUM'S TITS!!" is all you can expect.

The dickhead who came up with this little gem found it to be his downfall however. Buoyed up by the success of this question on the weaker kids he decided to try it out on one of the harder kids. The response was: "No, but I sucked on YOUR Mum's tits." They then put him in a headlock and locked him in a cupboard.

Karma, dude. Karma...
(Thu 14th May 2009, 13:20, More)

» Accidental innuendo

If Mrs Slocombe had a dog
Back in my journalism days I was working for a local newspaper in South West London. We got a call about an elderly woman who had accidentally backed her car into the Thames.

The report came from a group of onlookers who had witnessed the incident from a nearby pub. Supposedly, the woman was more worried about the fate of her unfortuantely-named dog who was in the car with her and was overheard to shout: "Help me! My Fanny is getting wet!!"



(Unfortunately, once the story was published we got a call from the woman in question a few days later demanding an apology be printed. Her dog's name was in fact something very dull like 'Charlie' and she claims she had probably shouted 'It's not funny, I'm getting wet' due to the fact that the pub-goers were pissing themselves laughing at her misfortune. Luckily, as the fanny line had appeared in the story as a direct quote, no apology was printed.)
(Sat 14th Jun 2008, 15:01, More)