» Not Losing Your Virginity

2 stories for this one
First one is a much-shortened repost of my one for Greatest Regrets, in which I helped a very close, very attractive female friend with her computer (which was sporked), and she went off for a shower. And came back only in underwear. Being the imbecile I am, not only did I have a girlfriend, I also didn't completely realise what her massaging my shoulders and rubbing herself against me meant. She was (and still is, apparently) a virgin. Although now she is at university and trying the lesbian stick. Not completely homo though, as a drunken text I got last week would suggest.
The next one is about my very good friend Ciaran. I have no qualms about using his name as he only ever comes on QOTW to read the Best Of, so unless you click 'I like this' he'll never read it.
Anyway me and the other godhead in our particular triumvirate started a rumour that he had the biggest penis known to man. Horses wouldn't be able to cope. And at our insistence, (and the agreement of his mother at his 18th birthday party), this rumour became common knowledge.
Now, Ciaran was a good Catholic boy, and no-one but his mother had ever seen his todger, especially not a girl. However, he had his heart set on one particular girl, the delectable Kate (named changed as she is lovely. Ciaran isn't). The entire rumour was started in order to make her fall in love with him, or to simply pique her curiousity so she wants to discover for herself (eye-to-eye, if you will), what he was carrying around in his y-fronts.
Did she? Did she heck. Before the rumour, she was wondering whether or not she liked him; post-rumour she had decided she didn't want to be ripped in half and spurned his advances.
Thanks to our intervention, he now studies a very boring subject at uni and is a major fan of Thunderbirds.
Regard this as my public apology for you remaining a virgin, mate.
(Sun 29th Oct 2006, 17:40, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

I'm amazed I forgot this one. It came up in conversation yesterday and I had to add it
My friend Mark (named changed to protect the filthy bugger) has Crohns Disease. Now, for those of you who don't know of the disease, it causes ulcers on the digestive system. Peristalsis then hurts. A lot.
Anyway it comes and goes in waves, and my friend Mark was in the middle of a bad patch. Every time he ate he was in agony, and he couldn't even use drink to numb the pain as the alcohol just aggravated the symptoms.
Flash to a party. It's the summer of 2005, he's aged 17, and he's hornier than a mountain goat with surgically enlarged... you get the picture.
The party is at the house of a good friend, who I shall call Carly. As everyone else drank, me and Mark stayed sober (I can never drink when I'm with him as it makes me feel bad), and after a few hours, Carly comes up to Mark and comes onto him. They canoodle for a while, his hands disappearing up her top from time to time. They disappear. Twenty minutes later she comes rushing downstairs, screaming.
So what had happened?
They went to her mother's bedroom, and there she decided to take his virginity, telling him so. Dear Mark was naked within four seconds flat. They canoodled naked, and a spot of mouth-to-genital action occurred. Then it got bad. Mark wanted sex, Carly wanted sex, Mark's Crohns disagreed. Racked with pain, but ignoring it because he was about to get his end away, Mark got a condom, and began to do the deed.
As the pain gets worse, Mark gets a bit more staccato with his movements, so Carly decides she wants to go on top. This happens for about thirty seconds, and Mark is getting close. However her weight is really hurting his intestines, where most of his ulcers are, so he flips her onto her back and begins the vinegar strokes.
Crohns causes diarrhoea. Moments before he has his first inside-woman orgasm, Mark's bowels open. What can only be described as noxious effluent from the deepest pits of hell expels itself from his now-burning ring-hole.
It sprays on the bed, it sprays on the floor, it sprays on Carlys mother's wardrobe. Worst, some of it dribbles down and onto Carly. Who doesn't realise what it is, and at first thinks the condom split in a really odd way.
Mark realises first. Pulls out, and tries to waddle to the en-suite, now uncomfortable because he's majorly unsatisfied, still gushing from his behind. So now there is a trail of shite in the bedroom. Finally he plonks his arse down and much splashing ensues.
Carly is still lying on her back, fairly oblivious, until the long-drawn out splashing from the bathroom suggests something isn't right. The smell hits her. She looks down, screams, screams some more, and runs out of the room stark naked, shit covering her.
They had to redecorate the bedroom, the hallway from where Carly spread it, and then recover the seat she sat herself down in.
Needless to say, we were never invited back there.
Apologies for length. He still hasn't properly had to.
(Tue 31st Oct 2006, 15:26, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

I am reliably informed by my family that there is a video of this, but I've never seen it. The only reason I know it occurred is because my family remind me all the time
My parents split up when I was about 3, and my Dad didn't waste much time before getting with an old friend. It is at her parent's house that we find your hero: me. Aged 5 1/2
It was the second time we'd gone there, and I had made friends with two of their three dogs, big sodding labradors. The other, a young golden retriever, completely ignored me, preferring instead to beg for food all day.
One day we went on a family walk out in the country where all three dogs went mental. They were bouncing about, jumping all over the stubble left in the fields and generally running about like mad things.
I, being small, was happily playing with my little brothers when suddenly the retriever smacked into me and caused me to fly about five feet.
I was pissed. I walked to the hedge and grabbed as big a stick as I could. I then went back to my family (now filming) and waited for the dog to charge back at me for a second time.
When it did, I wound my arm back and twatted it on the nose. The dog looked confused, then ran off back to the house.
Me and the dog are now friends, and every time I go to visit my stepmum's parents I end up spending half my time sitting with my back to it. The dog also howls when I leave.

Moral of the story: twat bitches on the nose. They'll love you afterwards
(Tue 1st May 2007, 13:44, More)

» Too much information

Several involving my ex-girlfriend
But I can't say the worst ones, because we're still friends and she would kick the everliving shite out of me were I to post them. So a quick rundown on the lightest TMI's she did.
1) As a result of having Crohns' disease she now has an ileostomy bag. She takes great pleasure in showing people this within about three seconds of meeting them
2) Once, at a family meal at a restaurant, I offered to share some of my prawns. She said "sorry, last time I had those my poo turned that colour" and pointed at my mother's lurid green brooch
3) After about three weeks of us starting to go out, I began to be given full details of her periods. A running commentary, if you will.
Finally, and I'm not too sure about posting this one, but I figure I can match her frankness
4) Not long after getting out of hospital with the ileostomy bag she came to visit me at uni and there was an ... accident, at about 5 am. Naturally, she was mortified by this, but I sorted it by throwing out the soiled things, letting her carry on sleeping on my other clean things, then staying awake so I could be at the shops immediately as they opened so I could buy replacement bedclothes. That was all fine. The TMI came when she was speaking about this to my Mum, who heard all of the details, including how X had woken up to feel liquid poo dripping down her side

The real story I want to post is this one, though, and doesn't involve the ex. This happened when I was about 12. My best friend at the time was a fair bit better off than I was, and his family occasionally took me to the theatre with them on a school night, and I'd stay the night afterwards. This was one of those nights.
In the car on the way home he was being an arse to his mum. Kept on asking her for ridiculously expensive things for his birthday. Wanting to know if she'd cook him something when we got back to their house. Asking her to stop at the pizza place to get a takeout. Being, as I said, an arse.
This caused his mum to get more and more irritated, and it reached a certain critical mass where she said, in a terrifyingly calm voice "Would you like to know how I found out I was pregnant with you?"
"Erm... yes." My friend said.
"Well," she said, "your dad liked to have sex with me especially when I was on my period. And when I didn't come on for ages, we had to get checked up"
My friend shut up, and barely spoke for the rest of the evening. So I played on his Nintendo and beat his high scores and was glad I wasn't him.
The best bit? The kid was ginger, and was thereafter always known as Red by those in the know. And thanks to me, there were quite a few people in that position.
(Fri 7th Sep 2007, 12:53, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

My friend's house in Birmingham, two miles from my house
Which was decidedly odd, because we had started the drinking session at his uncle's house. In Devon.
(Sat 30th Dec 2006, 14:23, More)