» Crazy Relatives

Dad
My dad told me that he scored the winning goal for england in the world cup final and as he was going up to get the trophy he saw Hitler in the crowd and so he pulled a gun out of his shorts and shot him.

The queen thanked my dad, gave him a kiss, and after that my dad felt nothing could ever better that moment in his football career so he gave up to become a draughtsman.


The above story was recounted by me, aged 10 to my whole class. It was only when I started GCSEs that I found out he'd made it up.

He also insists that to truly savour a peanut you must chew it 99 times.
(Fri 6th Jul 2007, 20:36, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Poor dad
My teenage rebellion started when I woke up one day and decided that I would stop speaking to my dad. No reason for it at all. I just stopped talking to him. Didn't say a word to him. After 6 months of this he broke down one night, cried and tearfully asked 'what have I done to make you hate me so?'

So I just did what all teenagers would do and said 'dunno'.

We became great friends since then although one night, when I was 18, we were supping whiskey and listening to music, and got into an argument about biscuits. It escalated. He jabbed me in the chest. I hate being jabbed in the chest so I punched him. Knocked him down flat on hi arse. Shat myself and made for a getaway. Sadly the security conscious folks have a normal lock, a deadbolt and 3 other key locks on the door. I was trying to undo them to leg it when I heard a rumble behind me. I turned only to be greeted by the fleeting glance of my dad's fist twatting me on the nose. I went down this time, the nose broken.

He's one of my best mates now and I guess there's some oedipal or tribal explantion of sorts but yes, I made my dad cry for no reason and then punched a 53 year old out sparko because of biscuits.

Length? probably 5 hours community service if he'd prosecuted.
(Sat 21st Jul 2007, 22:09, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

page 3 stunnah
Many moons ago our company launched some build it yourself community websites. It was partly my job to oversee that nothing untoward happened on them (pron etc). As a rule everyone behaved themselves so we never really had a problem.

Anyway, one day I go into work and there's an email from a solicitor saying that they are going to sue us because despite repeated requests for us to remove some salacious content about their client, we had failed to do so.

Turns out that their client was a former page 3 model, who was now trying to establish a tv career, but between these periods she's done some not for children photography and video abroad. Some guy had found said 'core and built a site about it using our software. It was somewhat of a wanking shrine to this lady, but still, it wasn't legal as the licensing rights were only for the country of origin or something like that so that her reputation in the UK would be unharmed.

So I email back with a bit of a WTF email and pointed out that we had never recieved any correspondance.

After a bit of too-ing and fro-ing I find the site in question, and disable it from public view, and start speaking to our company lawyers, not really bringing anyone else in on the loop as it was early days and i was confident i could sort it without it getting messy. Not least because at this point i had now become in direct phone and email contact with said p3 stunnah. Yay.

That was until her solicitors started talking settlement numbers in the region of tens of thousands.

Somehow my boss got wind of this and I was called into the office.

Boss - I've just had a call from legal and I understand you have a situation with our community sites

Spike - Oh yes, i'm fairly confident *parp* that we're clean as we've done *parp* everything we can as soon *blert* as we were alerted.

The boss fixed me a steel eyed stare

Boss - is there any reason why you saw fit NOT TO TELL ME?

Spike - *cowering* No.

Feeling that I was properly in the shit I went back to my office and gathered up all of the work I'd done, printed off correspondance to take to my boss to evidence that we would be ok.

With all of this in hand I go upstairs to his office. He wasn't in. He was in with one of the board members and regional director discussing the case. Fuckingfuck.

I knocked gingerly on the door and entered without invitation.

My boss and the board member were both leaning in towards the pc screen. They look up, a bit shocked at my entrance, and my boss stammers 'err, is this her'

They were only watching teh pron!

Expensive mistake? well, I'm sure that if I was a minute later that I'd have caught them in a group wank. One of them was a millionaire several times over whilst the other is now almost definitely the next chief exec of the company. Could defo have got myself some blackmail out of it.

Length? never mind the length, feel the irony, as said p3 lass had, yup you guessed, virgin for her isp.
(Sat 27th Oct 2007, 14:43, More)

» And that's the thanks I got

Not drowning but crying with a slapped arse
Me and my brother have always been almost complete opposites. I was the academic, he loved fucking about with rusty old bits of cars. He once went through a phase of cleaning everything in toothpaste and buggered up our train set and tape recorder (worrying considering he became a trained electrician).

The folks used to go caravanning loads and there was this one place we always went to every year in Wales which had a little stream / river running through it.

Most of it was ankle to knee deep but there was this one bit where there was a bend was about 5 feet deep. My bro was about 4 or five and I'm two years older.

One day I was paddling around, racing sticks and twigs and the next thing I notice he'd found a large rusty car part and he was buggering about with it.

'don't play with that, it's rusty and you might cut yourself'

He ignores me and carrys on doing whatever the fuck there is to do with a rusted part of a car engine in some arse-end of wales.

So I warn him again.

He ignores me.

So being the older of the two I go over and lift up the rusted lump and chuck it in the deep part of the stream / river. Problem solved thinks I, and turn back to bugger about with my various twig and stick boats.

A few minutes later there was a splashing sound. I carry on playing with my twigs. The splashing sound was then succeeded by a wailing, gargling sound.

The daft sod had only gone in after the engine.

Now I couldn't swim. Neither could he. I am also a total wimp so mustering what Hulklike emergency strength I could I went into overdrive. Could I reach him? No, he thought it better to try and drown his way to the other side of the stream / river. So I looked around and quickly saw a solution.

The answer to my bro's drowning issue lay in a pile of long nettles nearby, so tearing them up and holding the stinging leaves in my hand I offered him the none-stinging bit and save the fuckers life.

Around this time, my Grandad, having heard the commotion had made his way over. Upon seeing my half drowned toddler brother and me dry as a bone he asked whether I'd pushed our Tony in to which he says yes.

Ear was clipped, and I had my arse kicked comedy style all the way back to the caravan where my dad was told. My red raw, stinging hads, offered no proof for these gene hunts who were now doing the stitch up of stitch ups. So rather than being hailed a hero I was grounded to the caravan, kicked out of the easter bonnet parade, and had my arse smacked.

The bro, meanwhile, got taken into the nearest town where he was bought whatever toy he wanted.

So I save a life, at considerable pain to myself and quite literally they were the spanks I got.
(Wed 30th May 2007, 22:53, More)

» Why I was late

moth
I was once late for work as there was a moth hiding in the towel and I smeared it all over me as I was drying myself off. I was then gagging, and dry heaving for ages at the thought of what had happened, before then having to have another shower.
(Sun 1st Jul 2007, 21:10, More)