» I hurt my rude bits

Crack Commando Unit
Me and my best mate Colin were having a game of toy soldiers at his house as he had just bought a new army, consisting of bunkers tents and tanks, so he was keen to show it off to me. Now my army was a bit of a veteran team (think Dads Army) and had lost several casualties due to mum standing on some, the dog chewing a few and some buried in mass graves in the back garden, so my army was made up of half the original crew plus a few cowboys and Indians, a hans solo and a mr T.

After playing for a few minutes I was getting rather annoyed at Colins insistance that I kept missing his men and the fact that when I did kill a few he kept sending them off to the first aid tent for recovery and said they were fit to fight again. My breaking point was finally reached when my crack shot Squatting Bull threw a tomahawk at a group of 6 of Colins soldiers and he claimed he had missed….my Squatting Bull, well within Tomahawk throwing range, the very same man that almost single handily had wiped out Brians action force team only 2 weeks earlier, miss??? I was fuming.

I pulled the biggest booger out my conk, flicked it as hard as I could in the enemies direction and there it was…the first aid tent with a slimy snot dripping from the flagpole. “Hah, no more doctors now to patch up your wounded” I said, and with that Colin took action which went against all rules of the Geneva Convention. “Time for the big gun to come out” he said, dropped his draws and proceeded to urinate over my army. “Time to bring out the trebuchet” I said to myself. Now I say trebuchet in the loosest term, it was really a Lt Columbo right arm loaded with the TV remote, and with that I chucked it straight at Colins weapon of mass destruction.

He went down. I looked around at my pish soaken army. I looked back at Colin. He was lying face down, clutching his privates, pants still halfway down his legs with his backside stuck in the air. I thought to myself “Show no mercy on the enemy”. I turned to my Sergeant, Mr T, “Now is the time to finish off the Imperial forces, if we strike now whilst the enemy is vulnerable we can finish them off once and for all. I need a man who can go in and end this godforsaken war”. I took the biggest decision of my military career, one that with make or break me, and with that I promptly picked BA up, walked over to Colin and head first stuck Mr T into the Death Star.

A couple of days later I gave an even browner looking Mr T to my younger brother.

I’d apologise for length, but the gold chains prevented it going any further.
(Sat 15th Jul 2006, 15:17, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

Trying to hit the big time...
...as a teenager I was rather interested in becoming a TV presenter so I thought the best way to do this was maybe try getting a job somewhere behind the scenes, and maybe I could work my way up somehow with the aid of a lucky break.

So, I applied for a job as a 'runner' on a popular late night BBC chat show. I assumed by entering, regular marathon runner, keen fitness enthusiast, orienteering, and rock climbing under my hobbies would be a great help.

Now I may have told a couple of white lies there, but I went to the interview thinking nothing of it. Anyway, my time comes, I hear "Send the next one Katie" come across the intercom, my name's called out and I'm told to go down to the room at the end of the hallway for the interview.

As I got to the door at the end of the hallway, the manager must've been reading my CV at the time, because as he heard a knock...knock...knock at the door, he said "Come on in Mr Johnson".

I tried, but couldn't get in, so I knock...knock...knocked again, and once more I heard "Come on in Mr Johnson". This went on another 4 or 5 times, before I started to hear a far more agitated and angrier voice calling to me "COME ON IN MR JOHNSON".

I was trying but all my efforts to get into the room were to no avail. All of a sudden, I hear what seems to be the sound of a chair being 'back of the knees' sent backwards rolling across the room, thump...thump...thumps getting closer towards me, and an under the breath muttering of "ffs".

It was then that I felt I'd blown my chances of getting this job even before the interview had started. The door swung open right in front of me and I was greeted by the manager and "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?, WHY DIDN'T YOU COME IN WHEN I TOLD YOU?, ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHI...".

This is when he looked down at me and felt guilty as he noticed I was in a wheelchair, had no legs and I was really struggling to get up the step into his office. He then, like the gentleman he was, picked me up, and carried me into his office and sat me down upon his chair. He sat down opposite me, with a look of pity upon his face, promptly ripped my CV up, and asked me how the accident happened. We talked as if we'd known each other for years, but I left feeling I should have been more honest in my hobbies section.

Anyway, I got a phone call a couple of days later I had got the job, and after working there for a couple of weeks I learned that the boss suffered from alzheimers.

I have now worked there for 6 years, however, a current employer on my behalf is currently locked in a human rights battle to get a little ramp built to get me into and out of his office on my own accords, but it doesn't bother me too much because I'm still happy to have the old chap carry me in and out of his office on a daily basis (he's even painted a couple of white stripes outside his office for me to park my wheelchair, and there's talk of getting a door knob put on 1 foot up so I can open it for myself and simply crawl in should he be out).

Apologies for length, but they do only go down to the knee after all.
(Sat 8th Jul 2006, 0:04, More)

» Intense Friendships

My Brother/Best Mate
My brother Colin is my best friend. My first ever memory is looking around and seeing his face.

We sleep together,
eat together,
we were always in the same class at school,
I always sit with him on the bus and
when I smoke he smokes.
I've got a funny feeling when one of us dies we'll both be buried in the same coffin

The only problem is Colin's a gay. Now I've got nothing against homosexual behaviour at all, but when you've got to share a bum hole with your siamese twin that's when the problems start.
(Tue 1st Aug 2006, 20:56, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Whilst at school

I got caught shagging a 6th former behind the bike shed, got a warning for getting a blowjob off a Year 10 student, and got sent home early once for spying into the girls changing room. It was when I got caught red handed wanking into a bunsen burner that I was promptly sacked and told I could never teach again in London.
(Sat 19th Aug 2006, 21:31, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

My Curicilam viaeto says...
...my 5 strenhgts are my speling, my taemwork and my acountintcy skils
(Thu 6th Jul 2006, 18:34, More)