b3ta.com user The Gentleman Bastard
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» I hurt my rude bits

The new plasma screen..
Ok so as a first post, I may as well regail something upon you all that, though didn't involve my nether regions personally.. still leaves a lasting mark in my mind.

A while ago, my parents were proud to be the new owners of a brand spanking new Hitatchi 60" Flatpanel TV. Naturally you weren't allowed within breathing distance of it for a while.. but all was about to change when I went downstairs one night..

So there I was, 2:34am, I went downstairs to get a cold drink on such a hot night and heard a muffled screeching laughter comming from the living room.. I walk in to find my brother crying with laughter into a pillow while his friend Hulio proceeded to press his spam javelin up against the new screen, specifically aimed at Cameron Diaz's face. Not realising how incredibly hot the screen can get, he ended up with 2nd degree burns on his bellend and cried for almost half an hour. I went to bed and left an aching Hulio holding a bag of mashed potato Shepards Pie mix on his todger to cool the burning. I woke up the next morning to find my mother cleaning the living room.. and she let out a tut saying "Somebody's got their sticky mits on my new telly!". I knew instantly that this was Hulio's burnt skin and penis juice burnt on the screen, and she was so innocently none the wiser that she proceeded to wipe it off with her hand. I fell to the floor with a sickened laughter, almost wretching I made it to the toilet and hurled for England, when asking me what was wrong I told her I'd felt ill all night and was getting the rest out of my system, I hadn't the heart to tell her what was stuck to her hand.

A few hours later I smell dinner cooking, I go downstairs to investigate and low and behold, what's cooling on the side? Shepards fucking pie.

Moral of that story is, always, always tell your mother she's just wiped up cock juice.
(Thu 20th Jul 2006, 1:08, More)

» Stupid Dares

I once..
..dared a lad at school to throw a bottle of coke at my old Maths teacher.

I got suspended for it.

(The other lad had Downs Syndrome).
(Wed 7th Nov 2007, 22:25, More)

» Evil Pranks

..tied to the door knockers of two opposing houses with a few inches of slack.

Knock on door A, they answer, which tugs on the fishline and prepares to knock door B's knocker, just as door A person closes his/her door, door B's knocker goes, cue door B person answering and repeating the process, and so on and so forth.

The person that discovers the fishline after the most amount of times answered wins.

(Then run.)
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 22:25, More)

» Abusing freebies

I'm still waiting for my free Nelson Mandella.
(Tue 13th Nov 2007, 8:09, More)

» Get Rich Quick

I was in a Playground Mafia, scamming money..
Back in the day when Pokémon cards were every kid's wet dream in the playground, a few of my friends and I became quite proficient in the use of Microsoft Paint and subsequently launched our own business selling bootleg cards.

Every other lunchtime, we'd obtain permission to use the school's computer room, and march up each clutching a stack of "Energy" Pokémon cards. Now, for the uninitiated, "Energy" cards were deck-fodder, used in the game, but mostly to fill out the deck and convince your mates you had tons more cards than they did. Since they were practically useless to traders, my friends and I developed a means to scan rare Pokémon cards, edit them, and print them out before carefully cutting around the print-out and sticking it over the top of an energy card. Voila: one bootleg, rare, Pokémon card. Naturally, it was an obvious fake, but the other kids were happy trading anyway! Ace!

This wasn't enough, however, and we soon set our sights on the big leagues. A friend of mine, let's call him Tom.. as this was his name, obtained a few packs of Chinese cards which, as any hardcore Pokémon card fan of the time will know, had a different image/logo on the back. We used a few Energy cards from these Chinese packs to print rare Pokémon cards out onto, only this time we were "marketing" them to the playground in some sort of organised-crime fashion as rare, Japanese cards printed on rare.. Japanese.. paper?.. Whatever, they bought it, and business boomed.

We were soon making about £2 per bootleg card, and had worked up a neat little kitty. We didn't stop here, oh no. We soon had an even bigger idea: to start a "tuck shop" in the playground, which allowed us to sell sweets at modest prices. The headmistress agreed, and as you would imagine, within weeks, this had grown into a fully-functioning front for our bootleg Pokémon card business.

It was probably the highlight of my lower-school years.
(Wed 6th Aug 2008, 3:47, More)
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