» It's Not What It Looks Like!

WORK FARTS!
bit off topic but here you go.

OK I work at the Institute of Education in Russell Square, there I said it!

the stairwells are like a giant echo chambers, all concrete, lots of reverb.

so I was walking up from level6 on the stairs and there happens to be the lady (a professor lady) who works a couple of offices down from me also coming up the stairs. she's behind me as we're going up (im a guy btw).
I fart. Loudly. I decide the best policy is to 'run' up the stairs. doing so makes more farts come, FART FART FART FART FART. all loud, all made worse by the acoustics of the stairs. oh the shame. I get out of the stair well with a look of pain on my face, eyes screwed up, kind of face you pull when you don't want to accept reality. i get back to my little office and close the door. I still cringe about it now. this hapend 4 years ago.
(Tue 14th Dec 2010, 12:37, More)

» Call Centres

my sweary friend
back in the day i worked at OneTel (now carphone warehouse) on the phone as a CSR. (customer service rep)

i have to say that it's the SYSTEM imposed by morons + human nature that makes customer service so utterly shit, not just the gormless plebs answering the phones. ie, it basically boils down to:

if you ram products down the throats of customers instead of addressing their problems. you get paid more.

if you fob customers off and get onto the next call asap all day, you get paid more.

we actually practiced lying as part of the training.
the whole thing was rotten starting of course with the overpaid clueless coked up morons running the whole mess.

but this is all beside the point.

the point being:

I had a very funny and charismatic friend in our 'team'
he was a Kiwi.

and he used to answer the phone like this:

"Fucking take your phone number on you're a cunt!"

but with skilful use of his NewZealand twang, the customer heard this:

"If I can take the phone number on your account"

brilliant
(Wed 9th Sep 2009, 18:49, More)

» Council Cunts

My dad got a parking ticket 2 years ago
He got it on New Years Day. The law and the council says that he could park where he did on a bank holiday. He phoned up the bank of England:
“was it a bank holiday on New Years Day mr bank of England man?”
“why yes it was mr dad”
Phone up council:
“was it a bank holiday on new years day? Mr council man”
“get the fuck out of here! No. It was NOT a bank holiday. Pay your fine you silly little man”
Queue 2 years of my dad boning up on parking law….
(obviously he didn’t have to pay –he had that sorted quite quickly – but not because of the bank holiday dilly, because of a technicality with signage).

He has now made it some sort of crusade to sort the parking out in his borough. Good for him.

He took the council to a Tribuneral or something of that ilk after months of trying to get relevant info and his parking data from them. They tried to block him. As an example they clamed it would take them 2 weeks (or some such ridiculous amount of time) to query a database
2 weeks to write a 4 line db query. nice
My dad catalogued the lies told to him by the council. And had enough evidence to put the man in charge in prison.

Rather then turn up for the Tribuneral thingy the guy in charge resigns. After the meeting it turns out that my dad knows more about the parking rules then the council. He found out that all the
signage was illegal in his borough. They have to fix it costing millions.

– they now ask him for advise as a consultant now and again.

Just recently his friend got a ticket for parking with one wheel on the ramp/curb of a driveway. You know – that bit that where the curb ramps down to the level of the road. My dad has investigated and found that it’s illegal for them to ticket in this case. He’s forcing them to refund ALL tickets to people in this situation. Costing millions. You know they come and ticket for this “wheel on ramp” thing at 11.30pm on roads which don’t even have yellow lines on them. Not any more. Now they’re gonna pay it aaaaaall back.
Yay for my dad.

Excuse the crap writings. I don’t have time to make it funnies.

click i like this if you think my dads a star for socking it to the man!
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 13:10, More)

» Cringe!

the shame of gay porno
A few years back in the days of 56K modems and Nokia banana phones, me and the girlfriend were invited to our friends place for pancakes and fun and some booze, for t ‘was the very eve of Shrove Tuesday.

We arrived at our friends flat only to find that they had overlooked the all important lemon part of the pancake equation. It was decided that my friend Jamie and I would go down to the local newsagent type food hole, to pick up a few. Now my friends are as bent as corkscrews, so whilst waiting for Jamie to sort himself out and get his shoes on, I relaxed in the lounge and flicked though one of their many Gay Lifestyle type men’s mags. This was quite a novelty for me being all man and I quickly noted that all of the mags had vast sections dedicated to ‘fashion shoots’ which basically involved various young muscle bound models wearing next to nothing and trying to look all smouldering and shexy. This of course had no effect on myself in the pant department but it did lead to an interesting conversation on gay porno as we entered the local newsy boozy grub shack.

The zenith of which came when I was quietly explaining to my friend standing beside me that:

“I have noticed a lot more gay porn mags in newsagents lately. Look! There’s one up there!”....

Except my friend wasn’t standing beside me.

A man I had never met was standing beside me.

I was standing alone in a newsagents talking to a stranger about sissy jazz mags.

My dominant emotion was now that of embarrassment with a large dollop of bewilderment.

He looked at me like -WTF are you going on about mate!? Are you coming on to me or what?
We stared at each other as he joined the cue to purchase his beer and tabs. I thought about trying to explain to him that I was with someone else and that he was gay but I wasn’t, I was all man and that we were just having an innocent conversation about homo grumble mags because of the shexy men in his gay lifestyle magazine, but don't worry because they didn't do anything for me in the pant department...

But I decided that this would only make matters worse. So I just stood there with a kind of contorted, pained expression on my face for a moment.

After he paid for his goods, he glanced back at me as he was leaving and told me “you’re weird”.

Oh the shame.

Jamie came back with a fist full of lemons and asked me what that was all about. I told him and he pissed himself. We then went back and had yummy pancakes with lemon and sugar.
(Sat 29th Nov 2008, 18:51, More)

» Insults

in greece
if someone tells you to do somthing or gives a statement which, to them is important but to you is unimportant you say:

"I'll write it on my old shoes" [polite version]

or the more common version:
"I'll write it on my bollocks"

eg. you're driving in athens and the side of your car gets scratched up by a taxi driver over-taking you on the fucking pavement. and you say "hey! you just scratched up my car!"
they say:
"I'll write it on my bollocks"


but of course the "I'll write it on my bollocks" statment is too much effort for the lazy greeks so it soon turns into:
"here" (na in greek)

and then we're left with the simple guesture towards ones own crotch. which means the same thing.

so when my wife tells me i have to empty the rubbish. i simply guesture towards my crotch and she knows i mean: "oh how important! i'll just write that down on my bollocks darling".

It also works very well as a double irony. eg:
"TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL THE BABIES HEADS POPPING OUT!"

"is it? thats nice dear. I'll just write that down on my old shoes"
(Thu 4th Oct 2007, 13:25, More)