» B3ta Person of the Year 2010

I don't know his name and at any other time he'd be a bastard
Picture the scene;

I'm happily wandering round East London. I've only lived here a few weeks so am just getting to know my way around so apologies if my geography is a little off.

Anyway while crossing the road by the entrance to Aldgate East Tube Station my attention is caught by the sound of screeching brakes and swearing. I take a quick look where this disagreement is taking place and see the following.

There is a cyclist shouting at the driver of a brand new Range Rover saying he should have looked where he was going and to be more careful as he nearly kncoked him off his bike and could have hurt him.

The drivers response was, shall we say, less than favourable. He stops the car directly in fron front of the cyclist. He then dives out of his car and begins hurling obscenities at the cyclist and seems to be having a particular problem with the colour of the cyclists skin.

Now we have all lost our temper when driving and no doubt we have all thrown a swearword, if only under our breath, at other road users. All well and good. I however have a massive problem with racists. If you don't like someone fine. Just come up with a decent reason.

Anyway, this bigoted member of the Hitler youth has failed to notice the smartly dressed man who has diverted himself from the crossing and has now got into the (open) drivers side of the Range Rover and promptly driven off in it.

Man turns round to see car gone and seems somewhat bemused for a split second. As he turns round in a state of shock the lights turn green and the cyclist pedals past flicking him the bird.

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pass out.

Now while stealing cars is wrong. If the bloke hadn't been such an arse I would've felt a little bit sorry for him.


Happy Christmas.
(Thu 16th Dec 2010, 21:04, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Time for a pearoast


Sheffield gets a lot of bad press regarding its public transport system. To be fair as if you don't live on the tramline you're stuck with First (the worst) Buses.

Being fortunate enough to live slap bang in the middle of the City Centre I am able to catch trams to just about anywhere that I may need to be.

Right so having begun the trip out towards the cinema just outside the City Centre I am happily sat upon the tram as we pass through the outskirts of Sheffield. As the Tram arrives at the Attercliffe stop for whatever reason the driver has pushed the wrong button in the cab and both sets of doors have opened. Nothing overly fascinating in that. My attention is drawn away from the extra set of open doors to an elderly lady in her mobility scooter. The tram platform and the entrance to the tram are about level, occasionally there is a lip of a couple of inches.

As the lady is trying to get the scooter on to the tram she is hitting the lip. The conductor makes his way down and utters the immortal line.

"Jus' rev it me duck, you'll be reet"

She follows these instructions with aplomb. Backing the scooter up about ten feet. She hits the accelerate and becomes a blur. She hits the little lip buggy bounces up into the tram. Sadly she didn't apply the brakes as quickly and promptly shot out the (mistakenly) open doors opposite landing on the opposite side of the track and crashing into the platform.

To this day it is probably one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

The conductors reaction was just as funny. After looking through the doors to make she was ok, which she was, he simply called after nher

"Look here Penelope Pitstop, this is a tram stop not the start line in Wacky Races"

I have never had the misfortune to simultaneously wet myself and soil myself but i was pretty fucking close that day.






Length she went a good six feet past the tram before she landed.
(Thu 21st Jan 2010, 12:50, More)

» Karma

Not entirely Karma but very close
My best mate at school was a young man who has gone on to be a successful Premier League Footballer. Currently at Manchester City but previously of the mighty Aston Villa.

Anyway shortly after he established himself as a regular first team player at Villa we went out for a few drinks in Birmingham. While stood at the bar we were approached by a local gent who proceeded to berate him for his latest performance which even my mate accepted was crap. The tone of the conversation changed somewhat when this chap started complaining that the only reason he was picked was

"'cos he was a n*****".

The chap then went on to say how brilliant his son was and how he could do everything that my mate could do but he didn't get into the Villa setup cos he wasn't a n*****.

This continued for a few minutes and my normally placid buddy was getting mighty irate, with all of this my son can do that you can't crap, and all the racist bullshit that was now being aimed at him he cracked and responded with a retort that still makes me smile.

He took his wallet out of his pocket took about a £100 quid out of it and promptly set it alight with another mates lighter.

"Bet he cant do that though can he, you redneck cunt".

Hearing my god fearing mother loving chap come out with such a response left the whole of our group somewhat shocked. Not as shocked as the redneck was though.

Racist twat.

Length ? about 6 years ago.
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 19:18, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

Not traumatic for me as such but I nearly gave myself a hernia laughing.
Sheffield gets a lot of bad press regarding its public transport system. To be fair as if you don't live on the tramline you're stuck with First (the worst) Buses.

Being fortunate enough to live slap bang in the middle of the City Centre I am able to catch trams to just about anywhere that I may need to be.

Right so having begun the trip out towards the cinema just outside the City Centre I am happily sat upon the tram as we pass through the outskirts of Sheffield. As the Tram arrives at the Attercliffe stop for whatever reason the driver has pushed the wrong button in the cab and both sets of doors have opened. Nothing overly fascinating in that. My attention is drawn away from the extra set of open doors to an elderly lady in her mobility scooter. The tram platform and the entrance to the tram are about level, occasionally there is a lip of a couple of inches.

As the lady is trying to get the scooter on to the tram she is hitting the lip. The conductor makes his way down and utters the immortal line.

"Jus' rev it me duck, you'll be reet"

She follows these instructions with aplomb. Backing the scooter up about ten feet. She hits the accelerate and becomes a blur. She hits the little lip buggy bounces up into the tram. Sadly she didn't apply the brakes as quickly and promptly shot out the (mistakenly) open doors opposite landing on the opposite side of the track and crashing into the platform.

To this day it is probably one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

The conductors reaction was just as funny. After looking through the doors to make she was ok, which she was, he simply called after nher

"Look here Penelope Pitstop, this is a tram stop not the start line in Wacky Races"

I have never had the misfortune to simultaneously wet myself and soil myself but i was pretty fucking close that day.






Length she went a good six feet past the tram before she landed.
(Fri 30th May 2008, 20:42, More)

» Rogues, Villains and Eccentrics

The real James Bond
On November 16th 1914 Edward Arnold Chapman was born in County Durham. Deciding that a future in heavy industry was not for him he enlisted in the Coldstream Guards and was posted to London.

Discovering a taste for the bright lights and misbehavior that the delights of the 1930's in Soho could offer a young man he deserted the Army and became a bank robber and safe cracker.

After being caught breaking a safe he was arrested but was granted bail. He absconded to Jersey so as to evade British Justice. He was arrested but as he had broken the law in Jersey he was sentenced to prison on the island upon completion of his sentence he would be returned to Britain to face trial for bank robbery.

It was about this time the Germans invaded the Channel Islands and Chapman (ever the quick thinker) wrote a letter to the German officials volunteering to spy for the Germans if they released him. They agreed and he spent 6 months being trained. He was parachuted into Norfolk. He landed and immediately phoned the Police from a callbox and telling the officer he was a German Spy and wished to speak to someone from British Intelligence. The officer responded by telling him to go home and sleep it off.

After convincing the officer he was collected by British Intelligence and thoroughly debriefed. He then offered to return to Germany and spy for the British as a Double Agent.

He returned and continued to accept spying missions from the Germans while continuing to fool them into believing he had carried out his mission. He was such a trusted member of the German Intelligence service that they awarded him the Iron Cross.

All the time he was working as a Triple Agent.


The codename assigned to him by British Intelligence?

Agent Zigzag (on account no one ever really new which side he was on.)

Rogue? Yup. Villain? Yup. Eccentric? Yup. Brave as fuck? Yup.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQrJvOFjadI


That's a great documentary about him. When you watch the video you cannot help but be utterly charmed by him. Glass of champagne in one hand and sitting on his boat in Monaco.

He to me is the very epitome of the real James Bond. He went onto become a great friend of Terence Young who directed several Bond films.


Apologies for the very tenuous link to rogues and villains but i thought it rather good.
(Sat 29th Sep 2012, 20:00, More)