b3ta.com user TheAlmightyBeev
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"I was in a line at the supermarket the other day, I had all my things on the little conveyor belt there. And there's a lady in front of me that is, well, she's staring at me and I'm getting a little nervous and she continues to stare at me. And I keep looking the other way. And then, finally she comes over closer to me and she says:
"I apologise for staring, that must have been annoying. I, I... You look so much like my son, who died. I just can't take my eyes off you."
She precedes to go into her purse and she pulls out a photograph of her son who'd died. And he looks absolutely nothing like me. In fact he's Chinese. Anyway, we chatted a little bit. And uh, she says:
"I'm sorry, I have to ask you. Would you mind, as I leave the supermarket here, would you mind saying "Goodbye mom" to me? I, I know it's a strange request but I haven't heard my son saying "Goodbye mom" to me, and "So long" and it would mean so much to me to hear it. And uh, if you don't mind I... "
And I said: "Well, you know, okay, yeah, sure. Eh.. uh... I can say that." And so she gets her groceries all checked out. And as she's going out the door she waves at me and she hollers across the store: "Goodbye son!" And I look up and I wave and I say: "Goodbye mom!" And then she goes, so I get my few things there, on the conveyor belt and the checker checks out my things. He gives me the total and he says: "That'll be four hundred and seventy nine dollars." and I said: "Well, how is that possible! I've only got a little tuna fish, and some skimmed milk, and mustard and a loaf of bread..." He goes: "Well, well you're also paying for the groceries for your mother. She uh, told me you'd take care of the bill for her." And I said: "Well, wait a minute! That's not my mother!" And he says: "Well I distinctly heard her say as she left the store "Bye son!" and you said "Bye mom!" and so what are you trying to say here, uh..."
I said: "Well, JESUS!" And I looked out into the parking lot and she was just getting into her car. And I ran out there. And she was just closing the door, and she had a little bit of her leg sticking out of the door and she was pulling away and I grabbed her leg and I started PULLING it!

Just the way
I'm pulling yours..."
Tom Waits

I did manage to win RagingBullFrog's mini /links competition about songs with alternate meanings, by posting this video of the B52's Rock Lobster, a lovely chirpy 80's tune about drowning.

A-Walla-Fa-Shag-Ba knocked up this little badge for me:

I feel so proud.

I'm also a member of the B3ta Monkey Lovers Club, thanks to Monty for uniting us under this banner:

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Body Mods

I just have a tattoo of a monkey (designed by my girlfriend - now wife), but I intend to get more. The real story here is not so much a body mod one, but it fits with some of the other responses...

When I was little, i found a hypodermic needle & syringe in our house (my dad used it for something to do with his photography) I decided i would fill it with water and squirt a friend in the face. He took offense to this and tried to stop me by flailing his hands around. Predictably, needle connected with hand and pierced right through his palm. Despite him going a funny colour, i decided to squirt him in the face some more, right through his hand.
(Mon 4th Dec 2006, 16:38, More)

» Going Too Far

I used to live with a right little scumbag at uni, for anonimity's sake we will call him Y.

There were four of us in our house and Y would consistently steal from us and lie about it, spread rumors about us to girls we liked, fail to pay rent, whilst still going out every night clubbing etc...

My flatmate X started extracting revenge on Y by spitting in his ketchup.

Then he pissed in it.

He decided a bit of his own blood would go nicely.

Later, put a little nugget of turd in there.

This led on to a handful of fresh jizz.

He followed by 3 months worth of crushed up contraceptive pill.

I think he went too far somewhere. Can't make my mind up where.

(the punchline is that Y once offered X some ketchup, and X said "No thanks, I dont like that brand, too salty")
(Fri 10th Nov 2006, 18:03, More)

» Home Science

Kitchen Science Experiments are part of my job*
And one of my favourites is being able to crush a can with steam. It's easy, fairly safe and good to do at bbqs.

You will need:

Empty drinks can (without a widget)
A source of heat (gas/electric hob, BBQ, fire)
1 bowl of cold water
Something to pick the can up with - BBQ tongs or similar work well

What to do:

Take the empty beer/soft drink can, pour in a double shot of water (you shouldn't need more than that) and place it on your heat source. After a few minutes you should hear thew water inside boiling vigorously.

Now, grab your bowl of cold water (you don't need to bother with ice, cold tap water is fine) and put it close to the now very hot can.

Using your tongs (not your toungues, unless you're into that sort of thing) pick up the hot can and rapidly turn it upside down and plunge into the cold water.

The can will instantly be crushed, usually with a very satisfying sound.

Here's the science bit:
When you're heating the can, the water is boiling off into steam. This fills the can, displacing the air that was inside. When you then cool the can, the steam rapidly condenses back into water. This takes up less volume, creating a vacuum in the can. The air pressure around the can is therefore much higher than the pressure inside, and makes light work of the flimsy aluminium structure.

* - No really, they are. Have a look here for more.

Spammy plug: I'll be doing some home science demos on BBC Radio 5Live on Sunday 19th August, 7-10pm, in case you're interested in that sort of thing.

(Wed 15th Aug 2012, 13:22, More)

» Pet Peeves

Just a little one
But it really really annoys me.



These words end in a g. Not a k. you wouldn't type it with a k, (or you might - see below) so why pronounce it with one?

I immediately assume anyone who pronounces 'nothink' to be an idiot. This further annoys me as I don't wish to judge people on such small things. I grew up in the midlands, and so I understand that the way you speak may not reflect your intelligence, but say 'nothink' around me and I will assume you have the IQ of a dim-witted hamster who has just chewed through your own leg.

It's worse than a mains electric shock or a dose of malaria, every time I hear it.
(Tue 6th May 2008, 10:12, More)

» Sporting Woe

Unihoc and the champion team of misfits
It was the last few weeks of year 11, so many of the assembled teenagers would never need to take PE lessons again. As such, the PE teachers decided we could do something fairly lighthearted, and organised a unihoc tournament.

For those of you unfamiliar with the game, it's a version of indoor hockey, played with a plastic puck and flimsy plastic sticks.

For those of you unfamiliar with me, I'm a big chap - quite capable at badminton and strength related sports such as shotput, etc - but as slow and lumbering as a depressed tortoise in winter.

Several team captains were chosen, and teams were picked. The misfits; and I count myself amongst this posse of the lazy, feeble, slow and fat, decided to form a team of our own. This was partly for laughs, and partly because we knew we would all be picked last anyway. At least this way, we were together as a band of equally poor performers, rather than spread out as the dead weight in the other teams.

We then decided on our main tactic: Refuse to take the game seriously.

To this end we roared when we ran, passed to the other team, stood by and bowed to let some goals in, and were generally quite silly.

So the tournament started, and we set about enjoying ourselves. Then something odd happened. Whether it was our unusual demeanour, or the soft bigotry of low expectations, we seemed to take other teams by surprise, and we started to win.

Round after round, we managed to score more than our opponents, even against the teams of vicious girls (we had mixed classes for this final term) and the sporty types who had the teachers on their side, and could therefore foul as much as they like.

Somehow, we won the tournament.

I like to think that we amazed the PE teachers so much that they looked upon the indifferent, asthmatic, scrawny and weak in a different way in future - realising that they need only inspire us in the right way, and we could go on to greatness.
(Mon 23rd Apr 2012, 12:32, More)
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