» Voyeurism

I was on-call
Years ago I worked for a retail company where I had to be on-call at weekends for 'emergencies'. Anyway, one Saturday one of our stores had a minor fire and I had to go and sort some stuff out.

Everything fixed, I went back to the office to write up a brief report. I walked into the office where the Operations guys were. Except, there was nobody there. "That's strange" I thought "There's supposed to be someone here at all times during trading hours". And then I heard it. Coming from the server room: "OH MICKEY! OH YEAH! F**K ME MICKEY! F**K ME HARD! CALL ME A F**KING WH*RE MICKEY!".

It seemed that Mickey had invited his girlfriend in to keep him company.

Well, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to interrupt a man while he's banging his girlfriend - especially when she's giving him such good encouragement. But on the other hand, I just want to get the report written and get out quick.

I spot my headphones on my desk. So I sit down and start writing the report - with my headphones on.

10 minutes later, Mickey's girlfriend walks out of the server room and lets out a huge "OH HOLY F**KING JEBUS!" and goes bright red.

I just feigned surprise and said "OH! Sorry to startle you! I didn't think anyone was in. I was listening to the radio. I guess I should have taken these headphones off when I came in!"

She suddenly saw that I was giving her an easy get-out. This way we could both just pretend that I heard nothing.

She looked instantly relieved.

It was a perfect situation... until of course, Mickey walked out behind her, doing up his flies, and asked her "What are you shouting about? Yer ar*ehole isn't bleeding again is it?"

And with that - the game was up.
(Fri 12th Oct 2007, 16:14, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

Karan
[Edit: FUCKITY! I just re-read the title. "NOT Losing your virginity" - sure I did that loads of times, why would I write about that?.

Anyway, it took me ages to type this lot and I'm happily reminising now, so I'm just going to leave it there even if it is about the wrong topic]


Holy feck, I was 15 and at the start of my sexual awakenings. I had spend the previous 6-12 months deperately snogging and wrestling with girls, trying to touch their boobs, whilst they snogged back and desperately tried to stop me toughing their boobs. It was like some crazy game that if somebody had asked us "Why do you want to touch her boobs?" and "Why do you want to stop him touching them?", we'd both have shrugged and looked at our feet. "I dunno, just do".

We hadn't a fecking clue - but it just felt right (and oh so deliciously wrong).

Anyway, so I was on holdiay and I'd been snogging this girl for 2 weeks (no solidly mind, we did stop for meals and air). After the first day, I reaslised it wasn't going to go past snogging and so I thought "fair enough" and I was happy with my lot.

THEN - about 2 days before the end of the holiday (Bugaria, by the way, very nice) a new plane-load of tourists showed up and one of them was an 18 year old vixen called Karan. From Leeds.

I'd never seen such beauty.

We made friends with Karan - me and my holiday girlfriend - and I thought nothing of it.

One night, Holiday Girlfriend (I can't remember her name - and there's a lesson for you Girls - put out or be forgotten) went out with her parents. Karan and I were left alone playing pool.

"So" she says like it's the most natural thing in the world "Do you want to go back to your room?".

About 0.004 seconds later, we were in my room. I was rubbing her neck from where the whiplash hurt, she was trying to re-attach her arm.

I digress.

So we started snogging. And I thought that was it - nothing more would happen, but she kept going onwards and downwards. I kept thinking "I wonder when she'll stop and tell me that's my lot", but she never did.

I couldn't believe my luck. 5 minutes later I was pumping away like a demeneted freak on a trampoline. After about 45 minutes, she smiled politely and asked me if I was going to come. "Come where?" I thought (I was very un-worldly) "back to the pool hall? No thank you - I'm loving this if it's all the same to you".

Sadly, I don't think I've turned in performance with such stamina ever since. Out of politeness - rather than reaching a natural conclusion - I ended my fun.

I remember lying on the bed afterwards feeling a kind of euphoria that I'd never felt. I was so uncontainably happy. What a feeling - what an unexpected delight - I can't wait to tell everyone!

Then she was crying. Telling me about her boyfriend back home, and how she wanted to lose her virginity to to another virgin, because her boyfirend was so experienced. She thought it would be fine, but now she felt terrible for betraying him.

As I sat there, arm around her, looking symathetic and listening to her, but inside I was screaming "YEAH! WOOO-HOOOO! I DID IT! YAZOOO-KAZOOO-KAKOOOOO! WOP WOP WOP".
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 16:37, More)

» Voyeurism

Converted shower room
Years ago my then-girlfriend lived in a house with three other (rather fit) girls. At the back was a room that was converted into a shower room. The window was just a normal window, but it had a heavy net curtain to protect the girls’ modesty.

All summer, I never thought twice about it. Then one WINTERS day it was dark outside and I was chatting in the kitchen with my girlfriend. I glanced out the window and there, undressing and lit up like she was on-stage was her flatmate about to get into the shower.

I couldn’t look away. It was like a gift from the gods. After a few minutes, my girlfriend spotted that I was distracted and asked me what I was looking at. My blood ran cold. I froze. My girlfriend turned around to look where I was looking – and lo, indeed the gods were shining on me – because as she turned, the flatmate disappeared into the shower – out of sight.

“Well? What are you looking at?”

So I told her the (sort-of) truth.

“I was just thinking that you can see into the shower room. Perhaps you should put up a wooden blind or something?”

And so we had a conversation for the next five minutes about “Oh yes, so you can – we’ll have to get that sorted”.

The only difference was, my girlfriend thought the room was empty, and I was just preying that the gods would keep my girlfriend’s back turned when her flatmate finished in the shower and stepped out into the light to dry off.

And lo! They did!

Happy days.
(Fri 12th Oct 2007, 16:41, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

I slept with my (now-ex) girlfriend's sister.
...but I don't regret it for a moment.

What I do regret is that 4 years earlier I was in a bar and I saw two attractive girls. I walked over and started speaking to the one on the LEFT. With hiendsight, I should have gone RIGHT.

I spent the next 4 years slowly building a relationship with the LEFT girl, whilst realising - at a much quicker pace - that I was actually in love with her sister (on the RIGHT).

And what's more - it was mutual: we got on great, there was no doubt that the attraction was there but there was always the small matter of her sister being my girlfriend.

And so after 3 and a half years, we did what any sensible people would do. We got drunk, slept together, enjoyed it immenseley, pretended to regret it as she cried because she really regretted it, wash, rinse, repeat for about 3 months.

After 3 months neither of us could take it any more - it was an impossible situation.

The actual girlfriend hadn't a clue, which made it all the more cruel when I split up with her seemingly out of the blue, I but had to break away from the both of them.

That was all three years ago now, and I haven't seen or spoken a single word to either of them since. Not an email, not a text.

There's not a single day that goes by that I don't wish I'd turned to the right.
(Fri 6th Oct 2006, 14:50, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

Fake lotto.
My mate James taped the lotto one Saturday. He wrote down the winning numbers, then bought a ticket for the next week's draw with EXACTLY the same numbers.

The next Saturday came around and he left the ticket on the sideboard.

(If you can't see where this one is going - you're an idiot)

So he shouts to his flatmate "Andy, I'm heading out - will you check my lotto ticket? It's on the sideboard! Thanks". And then he left the TV on, with the tape playing.

Sure enough, the numbers came up one by one and Andy went through the f**king roof! Had a real crisis of concience deciding whether to keep the £12.6m he'd just 'won', and pretend it was his own ticket.

Half an hour later, James came back, explained the ruse, pointed and laughed in his face.

The lads didn't speak for about 3 weeks afterwards.
(Fri 15th Sep 2006, 16:05, More)