b3ta.com user pir881
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Hi I am a middle aged wreck living in the southeast of England.

I have a Bizzare sense of Humour!!!!!!!!

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Best answers to questions:

» Being told off as an adult

Disabled Parking
I have no problem with Disbaled and childrens parking areas in supermarkets etc, but some old Bitch in My Local Tescos really got up my Nose!

In our Tescos Car Park the Disabled Bays are opposite some conventional Bays. This particular Day their was NO ONE coming down the Lane so i decided to reverse into the disabled Bay so that I could drive Nose first Into the Normal Parking space Opposite,(I was in my Works van and it is easier to stow shopping in the rear of my Van than struggle into my VERY untidy drivers Cab/Office).

Next thing I know is that I am Being Blocked in by this irate woman who demanded to know "..why was I parking in a disabled Bay when their was obviously nothing disabled about me"!!!!!!

I tried to point out to her very politely what I was trying to do but she wasnt having any of it, I was the lowest form of life in her opinion and she would be telephoning my firm to complain about me !!!!!

I gave her one of my Business cards to make sure she had the Correct No !!!!!

She then called Tesco security out and started ranting and raving at them that it was all their fault, Tescos were a Bunch of Twunts etc etc.

I dont supposed it helped much but all through her diatribe I was calmly eating My Sandwich in her face and having an occasional swig of Drink trying to be as cool as Possible.

I still to this day cant get the image of this rancid old cow frothing at the mouth as she tried to gain the upper hand but she failed miserably because having blocked me in she was blocking the entire Road system and the traffic jam was beginning to build up somewhat around Tescos car Park.

Sitting in the front Passenger seat of her car (Which was a Volvo) was a Little old man who by Now was visibly Shrinking into his Seat with embarrasment.

Eventually she moved her car and a form of Order was Installed to the Car park, at which point she went and parked in the Mother and bay area,I just Looked at the Security Guard who Just Burst Out Laughing and Pointed out that she was in the wrong Parking area !!!!!

I nearly feckin wet myself laughing !!!!!!

While I was doing my Bit of shopping I kept walking around the aisles and Kept bumping into her Pushng her Husband in his wheelchair.

If looks could Kill I would be dead with a six inch Look sticking out of my Chest
(Fri 21st Sep 2007, 14:44, More)

» Insults

Winston Churchill ....... Insults
If Only modern politicians were so entertaining !!!!!

Insults between George Bernard Shaw and Winstion Churchill

"Dear Winnie, Here are two tickets to my new play. Bring a friend, if you have one."

"Dear GBS, Sorry, but I can't make it to the opening night of your new play. However I would appreciate tickets to the second night performance - if you have one."

[ Insults between Lady Astor & Churchill ]

"Sir, if I were married to you, I would serve you posion in your wine."

"Madam, if I were married to you, I would drink it."

[ Insults between Churchill & Besse Bradock MP ]

"Sir, you are drunk."

"Indeed, Madam, and you are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober."

[On political opponent Clement Attlee]
"A sheep in sheep's clothing."

[On the subject of Italy allying with Nazi Germany]

"It's only fair. We had to have them in the last war."

(Fri 5th Oct 2007, 18:16, More)

» Dumb things you've done

Whe i was a nipper I decided it would be a god idea to find our how my pendant light switch worked !!!!
This consisted of a Length of flex hanging from the ceiling with a Push/Push switch on the end, I then decided to unscrew the two parts of the switch and then turn it on with my fingers inside !!!!!!
Not a good idea but thank god for DC Voltage !!!!

it threw me across the bedroom !!!!!!#

Aother good one wasnt my fault, I was working on a Customers Cooker (This cooker had a long flex with a 13mp plug fitted) when she asked me If i would like a cup of tea, as usual i said yes at which point she picked up the Flex to the cooker and plugged it in !!!!!!

I felt like I had been kicked in the chest for a couple of days after.

Same rsults as before a Flying service engineer !!!!!!!!
(Sat 29th Dec 2007, 21:11, More)

» Desperate Times

Get off the bog NOW...............I need a pee !!!!!!
A few years ago I went up to see my Brothers Family in Northampton (appx 174 miles from my south coast home) Via the M25 car park.

After leaving their house we headed south at a rate of knots, and promptly hit a traffic jam !!!!!

Not a problem, I have great bladder control, i can cope.

2 hours later we are still sat in this jam and its beginning to get uncomfortable.

Thankfully the jam lifts and we can head home,an hour later and we are heading heading down the M20 and the situation is now dire!!!!

My Bladder is full and that horrible I want to burst feeling is getting worse,Do i try and stop to find somewhere to go or do we risk it, Sod it we take the risk !!!!

We finally make it home and get in the front door only to find my BLOODY stepson having a feckin bath !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Door locked and the big shit wouldnt open the door so I ended up having a pee behind the shed in the garden only to emerge to find the neighbours upstairs have been watching the cloud of steam coming from my impromptou open air urinal pissing themselves laughing !!!!!!!
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 19:28, More)

» Insults

Insults....Boat Hook !!!!!!!
My old man used to be a special Copper with the Thames Police, A branch of the Meropolitan Police back in the 50's and 60's.

Apparently they used to call the long boat hook they use to pick bodies out of the water a " C*nt Hook " as that particular area of the male or female body was the Only place that was suitable for using the Hook on as it was one of the last areas of the body to decompose and therefore not likely to fall apart when being dragged out of the water !!!!!!!!

Gross or what ???????

He used to call me a C*nt hook and I was never sure whether it was a compliment or an insult !!!

Some of the other stories he told me were even grosser if that was possible
(Wed 10th Oct 2007, 19:55, More)
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