b3ta.com user jack hammer
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» The Worst Journey in the World

passenger seat piss up
I don't drive, so whenever I find myself as a passenger on long car journeys with friends I usually take the opportunity to have a few cans. It never seems like a bad idea at the time, but it always is.

I went on a three hour journey in a car with a couple of friends and decided to spend the whole journey supping as many tins as possible. Seven cans down the line and I felt like I was going to piss myself inside out, but couldn't stop as we were on the motorway with no services approaching.

It didn't help that the driver had noticed the obvious discomfort I was in and accelerated past every service station in fits of laughter. I considered using the empty cans but genuinely thought they wouldn't be enough. Eventually we got stuck in a line of traffic, and unable to hold it in any longer, dived out of the car, down an embankment, and finally let go.

Whilst pissing, I noticed the cars starting to slowly move again so had to leg it across a field parallel to the road, sideways with my back to the road, still pissing, in an attempt to keep within distance of the car I was travelling in. Eventually the torrent ceased, and I quickly buttoned up and legged it back up the bank. In the distance I could just about still make out the small red car I was travelling in, and put on a hellish sprint to catch it.

Which I eventually did, only to find it was the wrong car, and I'd actually overtaken the one I was supposed to be in a few hundred yards back.

I swore never to drink on long journeys again, but then did the same thing again a few months later when visiting friends with my girlfriend.

She insisted on listening to some wishy washy ambient music which featured the sound of running water throughout, in a deliberate attempt to make me piss myself. She also gleefully sped past any nearby services, until eventually she pulled up outside a large office complex and said "it's either here or you hold it in for the next hour".

I jumped out and found a small tree ( about four foot high ) and fired about three gallons of piss at it, in full view of the office windows. I was still going as a man in a security uniform came out of the building and ran towards me shouting. My girlfriend thought it would be hilarious at this point to drive away. We're not seeing each other anymore.
(Fri 8th Sep 2006, 2:03, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

short walk home

went to a club with some friends and got off with a v foxy but extremely drunk girl, who I managed to persuade to come home with me.

Whilst walking back to my nearby flat, she complained she couldn't be bothered walking and insisted I carry her. I obliged, but after a few hundred yards got a bit tired and put her back down. She started complaining again, and berserkly tried to leap back up into my arms, at the exact moment I went to get a cigarette out of my pocket. She leapt in the air, then landed on the pavement, on her head, knocking herself unconscious.

Just then a police car screeched to a halt next to me, and a policeman and a policewoman jumped out of the car. The man restrained me, obviously under the impression that I'd just knocked the girl out, while the policewoman tried to revive the unconscious girl whilst giving me very disapproving looks.

They took my name and address ( false ones, naturally - she could've been dead for all I knew ), and managed to wake the girl, who was apparently suffering from some form of concussion.

They then flagged down a passing taxi and put us BOTH in it, instructing the driver to make sure we went to the hospital.

The girl then said she didn't want to go to the hospital "because she worked there", so as soon as the police were out of sight, I gave the taxi driver a tenner to say nothing, let us out and drive off. Which, to his credit, he did.

I still took the girl home, but by now the chances of anything occurring were slim at best and she was clearly not right. I had to sit up most of the night with her to make sure she was okay.

Next morning, however, she was right as rain but refused the offer of a taxi home, ate every last bit of food I had before ringing her boyfriend to come and pick her up.

what was the question again
(Fri 8th Sep 2006, 2:32, More)