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» Work Experience

Cotton mill fancies
In the early 70s there was still a cotton industry in Lancashire. When I was 14 I got a summer job in the local cotton mill where my mum worked. My job was clearing away the cotton waste generated by carding and spinning machines and sticking them into big sacks in a deep dark basement. This is what they make socks out of, for your interest.

Anyway, I had to crawl under these huge noisy machines gathering up all the shite.

It was so loud that the women who worked there (who weren't exactly young babes) 'talked' in sign language.

And it was so hot in there that they wore nothing except light overalls. Nothing.

And of course as I would be crawling along they would be flapping their legs aroubd trying to keep their minges cool so Id regulary get the sight and smell of 60yr old fannies dripping in sweat. It was hell - and I thought they did it on purpose as even I could hear them cackling over the sound of the machines

One day I couldnt bear it, got up from the machine room floor to find my mum staring at me in a sort of embarrassed way.
(Thu 10th May 2007, 10:38, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Circumcision from hell
Some years ago I had to have a circumcision. Being shy and retiring I didnt tell my housmates and went off to hospital (on my bike. Dont try it). Anyway I woke up from the anaesthetic and had a quick look at my membr. It had a litle bandage at the end and when I pulled it open it looked like someone had strimmed the end of my cock.

Anyway as I was recovering I began to wonder what would happen to my cock if I were to get an erection while the stitches were it. Would it explode or something?

Needless to say as I went back home the only thing I was worrying about was getting an erection. So back home I thought lets get pissed! Then Im certain to fall asleep and I wont be getting a hard on. Half a pint of vodka later I fell asleep to wake up an hour later with the biggest fucking hard on Ive ever had.

I began to seriously panic. The first thing I tried was to run to the shower and pour cold water over it. Unfortunatley the shower had a fixed head, so to get my cock under the stream of water I had to get into the bath and sort of lean backwards and poke my dick out.

The shock of the cold water on my dick made me slip in the bath and I nearly brained myself. Undeterred and still with a raging hard-on I ran downstairs to the freezer, grabbbed a bag of frozen peas and stuck them on my cock.

It was at this point that one of my housemates returned to the house and asked me why I was cowering naked in the corner of the kitchen clutching a bag of frozen peas to my cock.

I just sort of whimpered.

Anyway God bless her, she took me upstairs, tucked me into bed and made me a cup of tea.

To this day I remember the senstation of plucking frozen peas off my wounded cock under the blankets as she left the room.

Doesnt get much sexier than that I can tell you.
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 15:08, More)

» Pet Stories

My daughter's hamster
It's my daughter's 4th birthday and I go up to the posh bit of Enfield and buy a beautiful loving black hamster and a hamster cage.

The hamster comes in a cardboard box that I place on the seat of my car as I drive down to Hackney.

Well, it starts battering away at the sides of the box so I put the box into the footwell of the passenger seat.

I got home, went into the house with the cage and then returned to the car. The hamster had bitten a hole through it's box and as I'd left the car doors open had fucked off into the street.

Fuck. Anyways its only 4pm so I'll go to a Hackney pet shop and get a replacement hamster.

I get to the pet shop and ask for a hamster. "OK!" says the young lad who's underage working in the shop.

Anyway he shows me this golden hamster in it's cage. "OK that'll do!" I say. He opens the cage and grabs the hamster which does not move. "Oh err he must be sleeping! I'll see if there are any others!". The hamster in the cage is clearly dead. Anyway he gets me another hamster from the back of the shop. And this is a Hackney hamster. It's got attitude, an ASBO and wears a hoodie. It starts screaming away as it gets put into its cardboard box but I think fuck it I can't let my dear daughter down.

Anyway I install the hamster in its cage and then drive into middle of London to collect my daughter from nursery.

My daughter's birthday is in November so it's dark by now.

As Im travelling along I look in the rearview mirror and I see the original black hamster cleaning its paws on the rear parcel shelf. Fuck me. I thought I'd beeter catch it and put it back in its box otherwise my daughter might freak out in the car.

So I stop the car and then suddenly get an inordinate fear of being bitten by this hamster. So I put on a pair of big ski gloves that I had handy and began to try and catch this fucking hamster.

So there I am, on a dark evening, looking for a black hamster in a black-trimmed car with a pair of black gloves on. Fucking genius.

Anyway I caught it after 15 mins put it in ots own cardboard box, nested that box into the econd cardboard box and put the fucker in the boot.

Anyway I picked my daughter up and was travelling back to Hackney and got at attack of guilt. What if the poor hamster was suffocating? I could have that on my conscience even though I was secretly thinking of murdering the working class Hackney hamster.

So I opened the boot and fuck me the little bastard had chewed through both boxes and was free in the car. Fuck it I thought.

So I start driving again and sure enough the little fucker was on the parcel shel again loking straight at the mirror - and I swear it was smiling.

Anyway I screeched to a halt opemed the back door and the hamster shot off into Newington Green never to be seen again.

2 days later my daughter leaves the lid off the cage and the mad Hackney gangsta hamster escape and comes a ropper in a moustrap we had down.

So we replaced it with a pair of the wifes tights all rolled up and she was quite happy with that (she thought it was having a really long sleep) for a couple of weeks until we got a third hamster.
(Tue 12th Jun 2007, 13:34, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Pranks in the science laboratory
In the '80s I was a science teacher.

Of a Friday afternoon we would have a couple of pints in the pub and then return to school for the final lessons of the week. In my case, teaching a class of 11 year-olds science.

Anyway I'm trying to teach the concept of volume but being slightly pissed I was not as professional as one ought to have been.

So I'd was saying things like

"Kids, how many sides has a cube?"

Answer - "Eight! Twelve! Four!"

"OK kids lets do that again. You've all used dice to play games! How many sides are there on a dice?"

Answer - "Six!"

"OK!!!! Brilliant!!! So how many sides on a cube?"

Answer - "Eight! Twelve! Four!"

So I was losing it a bit and the kids were getting restless. So I calmed down and said

"Right kids, we'll go all of this again and see if we can get to the right answers!"

With that, I hitched myself onto the laboratory workbench and fell arse-first into the fucking laboratory sink and could not get out.

I had to call the lab technician to pull me out. The kids pissed themselves they laughed so much.
(Wed 27th Jan 2010, 16:22, More)

» Conversation Killers

Nose stud blunder
At a 50th birthday party and fancying a woman I was in conversation with.
"You have a really lovely nose stud there"
Leaning forward to get a closer look it turned out to be a wart.
I got my coat.
(Fri 13th May 2011, 15:45, More)
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