b3ta.com user Uncle Phallus
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for Uncle Phallus:
Profile Info:

I am, to put it mildly, a little crackers. I enjoy Gath Marenghi's Darkplace and Farther Ted to a great extent. I consider myself an armchair expert, although I am alarmingly dim-witted.

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

Just another night out at a club...
He was in his 50's and I was 18 *cough* 17 *cough*. I was sat at the bar in the club. My mates had just been thrown out, but being a prick I wisely judged that I hadn't had enough to drink yet so stayed on. So there I was alone at the bar and a gentleman in his 50's approaches. A fine combination of: he was hot, I was fairly drunk, he had the same taste in music/films/alcofrol as I (though admittedly he wasnt volunteering much information rather just agreeing with me) prevented the instinct to make good my escape. Oh yes, he also said he found me rather attractive.

What started out as an innocent conversation soon turned to the purchasing of a drink, then flirting and before long I had entirely lost myself. He was slowly rubbing my neck, and whispering filth into my ear and I came to realise that I was abscent-mindedly pleasuring the stalk of my wine glass. I suddenly realised I was incredibly aroused.

With coitus now most certianly on the cards we hastily walked/ran back to his place. What followed was the finest fellatio I have ever recieved, and a truely mind-blowing horizontal no pants dance where every possible sensitive area was stimulated with amazing skill and affection. The sense of just surrendering and being pleasured so... thouroughly... was, to say the least, rather pleasant. It was the kind of sex that makes everything else you experience over the next few months seem like background noise as you can't stop thinking about *that night*.

I will never forget you Alan? Andy? Alfonso? nevermind. I have, as yet not recreated an encounter quite like that night in five freakin years. To be honest I doubt the chances that I ever will.

I'm not even gay anymore. Fucksocks.
(Sun 7th Dec 2008, 4:57, More)

» Intense Friendships

First post-glory and honour!
When I was a young lad, I had a friend called 'Tmi' (name scrambled for annonimity). We did indeed do everything together for he lived next door but one to me.
So one fine afternoon, fresh from 'George's Marvelous Medicine' we decided to prepare our own concoction. Amongst the ingredients were soured milk, shampoo, tree sap, hair, water (of course), marmite, valve oil (he played the trumpet), spittle and last but not least a twist of urine derived from a communal pissing session into a bucket behind my house.
Being the charming kids we were we then thought who better to test this new invention upon, than his younger sister. Three days of her hospitalisation and the lesson had been learnt.
Surprisingly 'Tmi' and I are still best mates, although he does now live on the other side of town :)

Apologies to said sister of 'Tmi'.
(Tue 1st Aug 2006, 13:55, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

The Obligatory Facebook Rant
My biggest mistake was signing up to that festering mound of shight. Urgh, where to begin...
1) I don't want to know when someone's mood has changed from moderately happy to quite happy;
2) Just because I don't go on facebook everyday to check every freakin event that's going on doesn't mean that my lack of attendance symbolises an undying hatred;
3) I don't want some creepy company in Nigeria knowing where I live in exchange for allowing me to play Pac-man;
4) Good point Freddy Woo, a message to those bullys out there: you were a cunt in highschool, odds are you still are. No, I don't want to be your mate. Remember that time you took all my books out of my bag and threw them into a great stonking puddle? God that was so inspired! We're not fucking "bezzie mates" you fucking personification of AIDS;
5) Don't contact me if your sole aim is to insult my choice of favourite films, music, whatever. A "Hi, how are you?" wouldn't go amiss;
6) Joining 50 million groups or having an equally ridiculous amount of added "friends" is not an achievement, and you should not brag about it as such;
7) That time I poured my heart and soul out to you... don't freakin write about it for all to see or worse upload a secret recording of it. Not cricket;
To be honest, peer pressure, the old 'If you can't beat them, join them', got me onto it in the first place. Bad mistake. Curse you proverbs *shakes fist*
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 23:30, More)

» Going Too Far

Furry Satanism
In my High School there was one particularly bumblely teacher. He was close to retirement and his lessons had the feeling of a tortured soul living out the last years of a sentence.
Anyway said teacher had grown particularly attatched to a cuddly bear, in his lessons he would always manage to make reference to it.
So imagine his horror when his pride and joy was abducted. I mean he really did look upset.
It went way too far however when he recieved the video of the bear's fate.
Rather than just hold it ransome, some kids lower down the school had other things in mind. They erected a small wooden cruicifix, nailed the bear to it, and yes, set it ablaze.
Apparently they nearly made the teacher cry.
A truely original way to dispatch a teddy.
(Sat 11th Nov 2006, 2:49, More)

» Running away

Blasted red suitcase!
When I was a child of only 4 years, I made my daring escape. I used a red Mickey Mouse suitcase to pack my things, it was made of plastic and was more an oversized lunchbox. I was a hardcore rapscallion, I filled it to the brim with biscuits and chocolate, there was no room for teddy bears and the like!
Got to the door, eased it open, and took a few paces out onto my drive. The damn Disney-substandard-merchandise then chooses this moment as an appropriate time to buckle, showering the drive with manys a snack. I then proceeded to ninja kick all the vagrants and chavs who swooped in on my precious cargo as I gathered it up in my hasty retreat indoors.
(last part may or may not be completely accurate).
(Mon 14th Aug 2006, 22:11, More)
[read all their answers]