» Not Losing Your Virginity

Solution!
Never Fear Spotty ones, I have a line that is sure to work, if all else fails. Fallow this scenario.

----

You: Hello Miss, could I buy you a drink?
Miss: no thanks..
You No problem...sorry to bother, but I do have another question if you don't mind.
Miss: Alright What is it?
You: Does this rag smell of Chloroform to you?
Miss: .......'THUD'.......

-----------

Succes is Absolute!
(Tue 31st Oct 2006, 19:38, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

LONG LIVE HEVY WOOD!!!
SO it is the Summer of 1999, and my friend and I are in a small town in Britich Columbia Canada.

We're bored because that is what tends to happen in a small town. We were(and I still am)aspiring musicians, although we didn't have much money or equipment. We had a Drum set and a Guitar at the time. No amp. Well, we did have an amp but it consisted of an old stereo and a small speaker that we kept in a corner shop gum ball container. Phenominal garage sound distortion out of it, but I digress.

One night like many others we find ourselves bored. So we decide it would be awesome if we just go somewhere random in town and play. Only problem is we can't bring the amp due to the fact that it we even move it ever so slightly from where it is, it simply stops working. also we are going to be hard pressed to find a place to plug it in. My friend mentions this an we start thinking.

Well if we can't be functional lets just make it a bloody good spontanious show for the masses!

I was inspired by an idea and my friend thought it was brilliant.

We went to my granmothers house because we knew she had a trunk of old halloween costumes.
We took some random items we fancied and put them in the truck where we also had loaded up the drum set and the electric guitar(without an amp). Then we promptly set off for somewhere in town we could set up.
We found a hill by the beach right next to a popular park and an old folks retirment community. Nice! Perfect!

Get in costume...set up the insturments and away we go. Picture the scene.

My friend in front. he's a big fellow 6'4 with long brown hair to the middle of his back. He has donned the cheap prisoners costume, all clad from head to toe in horizontal white and black stripes. On his head is a god awful black sombrero with gold trim. He is holding a guitar. Me in the back on the drums, also with long hair but dressed as a knight in black(Black cape with red lining and a black tunic with a skull in the center of my torso).

Going with my idea my mate speaks up.

"GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! WE...are HEVY WOOD!!"

at this point we get a couple of random passing peoples attention.

"TONIGHT WE ARE GOING TO OPEN WITH OUR NEW HIT SINGLE, WE AIN'T GOT AN AMP!!"

He started to stum an I layed some beats down, and as we were right by the beach my drums echoed off the water and were quite loud, and my mate strumed wildly on his guitar that no one could hear. Then he sang.

" WE AIN'T GOT AN AMP
CAUSE WE'RE TOO DAMNED CHEAP!
WE AIN'T GOT AN AMP
BUT WE'LL GET ONE WITH IN THE WEEK!!

WE AIN'T GOT AN AMP
CAUSE WE AIN'T GOT JOBS!
WE AIN'T GOT AN AMP
WE'RE JUST ROCKn'ROLL SLOBS!!"

this was fallowed by a wicked drum solo, or not I couldn't tell and then we stoped.

Obcenaties were being hurled at us from the elderly community and our 2 audience members we managed to get laughed their arse off.

We did it again a few weeks later but it didn't catch on that much. People were mostly annoyed.

Although a few months later we went to a local cafe and someone recognised us as the loonies on the hill. They said they were amused, and we were happy whilst drinking our beverages.

Length? One song was enough.
(Thu 19th Jul 2007, 18:25, More)

» Advice from Old People

Don't Blink!
Blink and you're dead!

Good Luck.

A man said that to me. He was pretty old. 900 or so years.

Had no idea what he was on about but I listened to him anyhow, he was very convincing.
(Tue 24th Jun 2008, 18:17, More)

» * PFFT *

A Mate of Mine
I first met him in the classroom
back in 1963
we seemed to hit it off pretty good
we were mates mick and me
he wasn't such a big kid
even back then at the start
and he wasn't all that clever either
but Jesus he could fart

I first found that out in class one day
when things were going pretty slow
and just to keep us all amused
Mick let this fucking ripper go
well, you should have been there
look, i'd describe it if i could
but i just turned around and i said,
"Hey Mick your fucking good!"

And at the eng of school Grand Final
on the rugby field that time
we were getting beaten
they were 12 and we were 9
and play was 3 yards from our goal-line
when the referee called a scrum
and mick said, "Don't worry fellas,
we've as good as got it won."

So we just locked ourselves down in the scrum,
and we held eachothers nose
and mick our little hooker
he let this fucking ripper go!
well, it stung their nose
and it burnt their eyes
and it even scorched the grass
and i twigged right then and there,
he had a double jointed arse!

Mick, me mate the master farter
put the art back into farting
with his custom tailored farts
broke new ground in breaking wind
with his double jointed arse

And it was just a couple of years later
we both went to see Kamaahl
it was a really poshy sort of show
in this great big bloody hall
all the blokes were dressed like penguins,
well you should have seen the sorts
and Kamaahl himself wore a sheilas dress,
like a bloody black boy george

we were all locked in there like sardines,
for the show to get underway
but the tuber player didn't log
he'd booked off crook that day
and Kamaahl said, "Without a tuber player i cannot commence the show."
so old mick jumps up says,
"Sambo mate, I'll have a fucking go!"

Well, from then on in I honestly thought,
that the whole show would be ruined
but he just winked at me and picked that tuber up
just like he knew what he was doing
then the maestro tapped his little stick,
to tell the band to start
and mick just shut his eyes and cocked
his leg,
and then began to fart!

well you could have heard a pin drop
that night there in the hall
and it's hard to say who sounded best
Mick farting or Kamaahl
then the audience just went apeshit
they cheered and clapped and stood
and Kamaahl smiled as if to say,
"Hey Mick, your fucking good

Well, good news travels fast it seems
and it wasn't very long
before Mick got this midnight phonecall
from Ben Lexan and Alan Bond
they said, "Mick we've got this specialist job,
and we're prepared to pay ya',
Mick old son would you consider farting for Australia?"

We'll just prop you on our brand new yatch,
when theres no sea-breeze blowing
and get Mick the master farter to start
her and keep the bastard going
so Mick went into training
on sausage rolls and pies
and Vegemite and Fosters beer
and a schollarship from Heinz

The world had never seen before
a yatch so finely groomed
or a crew so fit and young and strong
or an arse so finely tuned
the Yanks weren't even in the race
not even in the same class
what with Ben Lexan and his secret keel
and Micks fuel injeted arse

Well he come back a bloody hero didn't he,
the old Australian boy
and government comissioned this bloke
to do a big statue of his Koy
and I can still see Mick standing there
when they confirmed his Knighthood
and Bob Hawke pinning it on saying,
"Hey mick..... your fucking good!"

Mick me mate the master farter
put the class back into farting
with his designer-lable farts
Mick me mate the master farted
with his True-pitch perfect calibrated,
turbo thrusted, fuel injected, W.I.N.G.S.proteced, double jointed arse.


......I'll just get my coat then...
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 19:19, More)

» Crazy Relatives

TROLY!!
My Cousin, my Friend and I were Walking out of the theatre. Fight club was what we saw and we dug it very much. My cousin is definatly effected by this movie, but being that he's a computer programer type person, and looks the part, it made it funny to look at. It didn't help he was about 100 lbs. Tall and skinny. My friend and I looked at him and giggled as he was trying to look tough and size up all the other movie goers, but it was about to get funnier.

He saw a shopping trolly, and he shouts " YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!" then starts running towards it. Running pretty quick, he runs right up to this shopping trolly jumps and kicks the thing.

The trolly rolled about a couple of inches and my cousin was sent flying back landing on his arse. If shopping trollies were alive they would probably say nothing anyhow due to their boring existance, but this one would have laughed...and laughed..and laughed....as my friend and I did.

What Would Tyler Durden Do indeed....
(Thu 12th Jul 2007, 21:55, More)