b3ta.com user Sunburn
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Profile for Sunburn:
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Anyone ever seen Videodrome? Well b3ta had that effect on me... first there was the goatse man, then the bandwagons, "I find this lack of taste.. disturbing." It was too late, by then I was hooked, this is internet crack. I can't photoshop but I can talk eloquently-put knob gags with the best of them.. Stop now! Go back.. before.. before... nooooo.. My name is Jacob Dyer, I sound like Barnaby bear......................

Some of my shit here. Thank god jokes are better than technique:-

This one was Claptonista's but it was crying out for Ferengi ears.

and finally my first eva

Here's a pic of me, yes ladies it's sexeh tiem!

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Best answers to questions:

» Banks

Short and sweet
Wanted to change my bog-standard, cashcard only account from a certain royal bank based in Scotland to a current account with Sparclays. Walked in on my day off, spoke to the 'personal advisor', all set, no problems.
2 weeks later, no cards. I phone up to enquire and they look into it.
I then get a letter in the post to tell me that they don't know my address and can I call in to my 'personal advisor' again with ID and proof of address (which he already had).
"So if you don't know my address" I politely enquire of the unlucky phone-monkey who answered my call, "How did you know where to send the letter?"
"Oh that's on a different system." he tells me.
"I'd like to cancel my account please.."
"May I ask why sir?"
"Because you are a bunch of incompetent fuckwits, and if you can't get something that simple right, why the fuck should I trust you with my finances?!"
Lucky escape there I think.
(Fri 17th Jul 2009, 9:29, More)

» The Soundtrack of your Life

I'm glad my life doesn't actually have a soundtrack,
I'd get sick of listening to Radiohead.
(Thu 28th Jan 2010, 13:48, More)

» This book changed my life

The Hobbit
I know, uber-geeky, but I was given a copy when I was 7 and read all of Tolkien's work afterward. Gave me an appreciation of fantasy and imagination, and now 26 years later I have a tenuous grasp on the real world at the best of times, and am a borderline alcoholic.
Thanks J.R.R.!
(Thu 15th May 2008, 15:55, More)

» Puns

Sorry for length
Tanya sat on her bed hugging her knees and crying to herself. Her stepfather Croft had been in one of his drunken rages again, and as usual, she had been the target.
A frail little girl, all she wanted to do was be left alone to play with her dolls, but as an easy target, she had been left covered with cuts and bruises by the alcoholic bully's outbursts.
A tap on the door roused her from her despair.
"He's passed out," her mother whispered. "let's go."
They knew they would have to come home eventually, but they made the most of their respites. Her mother's guilt at what was happening meant she would treat her little princess every chance she got to make up for the violence.
"I'm sorry my baby," she would tell her, "but the house is his, the car is his, everything is his. Maybe one day we'll have enough money to leave. But for now, be strong, and remember Mummy loves you very much."
On this particular occasion they had gone to the fairground. Tanya could almost forget while she went on the rides, played the games, and felt like a real girl again amongst the noise and bright lights.
They stopped at a goldfish stall to play the hoop game. With a shriek of joy, Tanya got the last hoop on the cylinder and got to pick a fish.
All the fish looked identical, apart from a sickly looking green one at the back huddled in the corner of it's bowl. Not quite a fish, it seemed to have tentacles, was covered in patches of hair and had one bulbous eye looking around as if scared.
Tanya tugged at her mother's sleeve. "Mummy I want that one." It was so scared it reminded her how she felt earlier that evening and she wanted to take care of it.
Later that evening she had it in its own larger tank in her bedroom. After a bit of food it seemed to perk up and start swimming around dragging its malformed tentacles behind it.
"Thank you" it gurgled from its hairy maw. Tanya was aghast.
"You can talk?" she asked amazed.
"Not only that" said the creature. "I can grant wishes. Hold me in your hands, make a wish and I will make the bad things go away."
Tanya didn't need to be asked twice. She carefully scooped it up, closed her eyes and said "I wish Croft was gone. I wish Croft was gone."
There was an ear piercing scream from downstairs as an invisible force grabbed her stepfather, pulled him out of the window and dragged him higher and higher. Both Tanya and her mother ran into the garden to see Croft disappear into the atmosphere.
"Oh my god!" said her mother. "What happened."
Tanya smiled sweetly and said. "Don't you know? Hands that make wishes can send Croft in to space.... With mild-green hairy lip squid."
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 18:13, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

Free drink voucher
for a lapdancing bar in Riga. Had our free drink, then the girls sat down... "Drink for the lady?" Yeah, why not. Was offered a very tempting service involving a shower but politely declined (as it was wayyy to expensive.)
Then we were presented with the bill, for our 2 free drinks & 2 lady drinks it worked out about £75! Cue much shouting of, "You can fuck right off!" and, "There's no way I'm paying that you piss-taking bastards!" until the bouncer moved his jacket and showed us his gun.
Yep, I payed. Ok hardly thousands, but fucking annoying!
(Fri 26th Oct 2007, 0:47, More)
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