b3ta.com user tylrdiablos
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Been viewing B3TA for a
good few months now,
but seeing DAVE GORMAN`S name inspired me to sign up and
annoy him with my tedious posts :)

I lurk therefore I am.
(I rarely post because I'm simple.)

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Someone added me to their MSN Contacts and decided to send me allsorts of random jibberish, poems and complains at weird hours of the day.

Screenshot here

I still have no idea how this person got my details, but most impressively, i've never once replied to her messages... yet she continues.
(Sun 19th Mar 2006, 0:37, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Props as well
A friend of mine used to phone in work and say he had diarrhea... fair enough.
But he used to sit by the toilet with full pint glasses of water and as he talking he would occasionally empty one in a dramatic manner to create "splashes" and other such fancy effects.

One day he got too over-confident with his flawless method of getting a day off work.

As the 2nd glass was "going down" his mobile managed to go with it.
At first I was concerned that his boss could hear me in the background rolling on the floor with laughter... still it could have been worse.
He could have dropped his phone in real diarrhea.
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 9:51, More)

» Mums

Subway + Cars
A couple of years back my mum asked my sister and I what we "wanted for Easter" via text. (I'm 28 and my sister is 21)
We laughed about it, thinking she was messing but my sister ended with eggs regardless. I, however, being a fussy twat don't like chocolate. So my mother ventured into Subway and asked if they did "Gift Vouchers".
Luckily it was quiet in there that day but the idea of a gift voucher for Subway makes me sound like a fast bastard and not someone who tried to choose the healthy (compared to McDonalds) option.

2/3 years back my step-dad was in the mood for a new car. My mother went along to moan about paint colour and I tagged along because I love seeing my step-dad haggle and argue with retailers. (He does it ALL the time!)
So, he's inside talking ABS and all that jive with the salesman whilst mumsy and I venture outside to look in the show-cars.
"This one!" says she and points to the car she likes.
We get in a nice shiny blue Mondeo, mum in driver seat, me passenger side. Mum leans over and opens the glove compartment and removes some sort of book.... she opens it up and it's a photo-album. So she starts glancing through it as I notice there's actually a lot of stuff in that glove compartment. I look at the back-seat and there's a child-booster seat and a load of kids toys.
That's right folks, we were in another customers car, rummaging around and being the world's slowest thieves.
"Umm let's go back inside." says I.

Never saw who that car belonged to until it passed on the motorway 20 minutes later. Kid in the backseat and everything.

Thank Christ no-one saw us, for both embarrassment and legal reasons.
(Fri 12th Feb 2010, 0:35, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

The joys of the navy
I'm not in any of the armed services and hopefully never will be, but 2 of my cousins are in the Navy. Their opinions of such a "career" vary on an almost weekly basis.

Luckily, when they're home on leave, they usually have a funny stuff to tell.

My cousin Carl was air-lifted off his ship around 13-14 months ago. His appendix was causing him pain and they weren't due to dock for another 2 weeks. So the 'copter was brought in and took him to the nearest hospital.
It turns out that Bangor hosptial in Wales in rather nice. His brother, mum, dad and I went to visit him... not before we'd wandered round Bangor town centre and been to KFC before hand though. (He was less than impressed with us using his illness to travel a few miles and go shopping.) Eventually he cheered up and told us of how he'd had his testicle sack pierced in Belgium a couple of weeks before-hand. Did I say he told "us" ? I meant he told "us and the whole damn ward".
Apparently he walked into a tattoo/piercing shop in Belgium, slapped his cock out onto the counter, pointed at his bellend and said "pierce that!" to the dude who worked their.
Seeing as he didn't speak much English, the dude had to resort to drawing a cock on a piece of paper and putting an X through the bellend section.
Not discouraged by this, my cousin took the pen off him and drew a ring in the ball-bag. The dude behind counter gave my cousin the thumbs-up, took his £30 and proceeded to fullfil the request.

Imagine hearing that story in a packed hospital ward, knowing that everyone is discreetly listening in.

His brother isn't much better in terms of competence.

Apparently the deck of certain ships has to be painted in a certain type of paint. Paint that has been mixed with a type of grit to prevent people from slipping... makes sense.
One day my cousin and 3/4 of his crew-mates are putting more of this paint down in the needed area's on the deck in the nice sunshine.
Some fool accidently knocked the big-ass tub of this paint over and gallons of the stuff go everywhere. In a panic they use turps and a couple of large brushes to sweep/push the spillage off the deck.
Problem solved.... well.... sort of.
About 20 minutes later a helicopter lands on the ship and the crew of the helicopter proceed to tell the commanding officers and the Captain that there's a large grey streak following the ship for the last 2 miles or so.

Apparently the paint, turps and seawater kind of balanced each other out and instead of mixing into the sea/dissolving... it just sorted of floating there. Resulting a a huge grey line.

My cousins' comments on this story?

"We got a bollocking for it, but it was well funny."
(Fri 24th Mar 2006, 22:46, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Remembered Another
I was at a mates house one day, we're watching t.v whilst his dad sleeps off last nights' beverages on the sofa.
His missus comes in, wakes him and reminds him his still hasn't phoned work to tell them why he's off.
So he picks up the phone and makes up some amazing tale of how he's just single-handedly fought off a fire in his kitchen with little more than a tea-towel and his own brilliance.

Smug sod puts down the phone with a big grin on his face and goes back to sleep.

Said mate decides he doesn't like the example his dear old dad is setting and proceeds to vanish to the garage for a few minutes.

He comes back with that super-strength silver duct tape. Cuts off two strips and quite literally *SLAPS* the strips to his dads' eye-brows.

His dad wakes up from the slapping motions but thinks we're just arsing about so tells us to fuck off and goes back to sleep.

Maybe if he'd noticed there and then the loss of eye-brow hair might not have been so bad.
But he slept for a good 2/3 hours before noticing and painfully removing the strips... and his eye-brows off course.

Next day in work he has evidence of fighting the blaze. (And it turns out that no eye-brows stand out a mile on bald blokes as apposed to full-haired blokes.)
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 11:23, More)
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