b3ta.com user fannymcslap
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Slap my mcfanny

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» Dumb things you've done

Potential Brain Damage
Ah yes. This takes me back.

I was a lad of 12, and my days consisted of touring my meagre little town at the helm of my brand spanking new 15 speed mountain bike, in new money that basically meant I was the dogs bollocks.

Whilst merrily biking about looking for ladies to marvel at how cool I was I happened upon a group of what we call around these parts "knacker drinkers" (14 year olds who partake in cider and smoking and other illicit activities). Obviously this meant I had to show how cool I was. I stood up on my bike, put all my weight on the pedals, changed gears and I was away at ludicrous speed. It was then I remembered the fact that my jumper was tied around my waist. This is one of the last things I remembered.

Basically the jumper managed to jam itself into the spokes, turning the bike into a very primitive (but cool) catapult which resulted in my head being mushed into the concrete at a great speed. Aforementioned knacker drinkers in their drunken state, picked me up and sent me on my merry way with a stream of blood leaking from my skull.

I eventually managed to get home (I had to cycle down the main street in our town) and my parents immediately bundled me to the hospital. Several x-rays later and I was duly informed that I had a bad concussion, just relax and try not to fall asleep for a while.

2 days later those fucking retards rang back to say that I had cracked my skull and to do absolutely nothing for quite some time.

You'd think that's the end of it wouldn't you?


2 months later my friend invites me to his grandmothers house in Mayo (I'm Irish you see) and I accept. Little realising it's one of the most stultifyingly boring places on earth. Unless I was good at pool and willing to walk the 11 km to the nearest pool table we had to make our own fun. And make it we did.

Ever heard of Blind Man's Bluff? I'm sure it has several names but the basic premise is one player blindfolds himself (we used bandages so that there was no hope of peeking) and then this person has to find the other people. This was all well and good but the house was small so we were regularly shouted at. "Outside!" prompts friend, "Huzzah!" proclaims blind, retarded me.

So we went to the driveway, and he craftily moves around to disorientate me. The driveway was long, and sloped viciously to the left. I lost my footing and started to desperately stay upright by spinning around hopping on 1 foot. I nearly managed to stay up but there's one structural flaw to this driveway. At the end ot it is a wall, no more than a foot high. On the other side of this wall is a drop no less than 5 feet high. Yep I collided with this and literally went head over heels, landing on the exact same spot as the first part of this story. Another concussion and now I seem to have a lovely collection of serious head injury cards (bottled a few years later, exact same spot.)

And yes I lost the game. Bastard.

I apologise for nothing!
(Fri 28th Dec 2007, 15:15, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

The bouncer of my local nightclub
Wouldn't let me and my girlfriend in. Granted we were only sixteen and tremendously gee eyed, but still. Unfortunately for the spastic he was a friend of my brother and therefore I knew exactly where he lived. Cue breaking into his house and shagging like monkeys on his bed. I was still kind of angry when we were leaving so I told her I'd catch up. Cue tremendous dump in his kitchen sink.

edit - just kinda realised this is the opposite of the question. Still though, I fucked a bird in the bed of a guy i hate and had a shite in his sink.

I'd apologise for the length but twas a monster.
(Thu 2nd Nov 2006, 8:58, More)

» Happy 10th Birthday B3ta

Ah memories....
Like suffering the surreptitious office erections brought about by reading the smut peddled by stusut79. Those were the days.
(Tue 13th Sep 2011, 10:26, More)