» I'm going to Hell...

My father's second wedding
No-one likes the bride, apparently not even her own family. I'm sat there with my sister and grandmother, who both look like they've just fellated a man in a citrus condom.

The priest does the inevitable "Let any person who knows why these people should not be married speak up now" bit. I look at my gran, fighting a smirk. We hate her, but not enough to ruin dad's day. In response to my ever-growing grin, she mutters the immortal line:

"Whatever you do, don't piss yourself."

That was it. Game over. Gasping for breath, face in gran's shoulder, trying desperately to hide my tears of laughter.

It didn't work.

Length? About 45 very awkward seconds.
(Tue 16th Dec 2008, 0:31, More)

» Will you go out with me?

2 in 1
When I was a young and emotionally stunted cockwit, I had a friend called W with whom I would fool around at parties. She felt more for me than I did for her, and eventually I lost all my friends over the issue.

After most of a year, everyone calmed down enough for us to start getting on again, and W and I saw 2007 in snogging one another senseless. I still didn't have the stones to actually ask her out (despite the fact that not doing so was probably going to get me thumped). On the night of her 18th birthday it became clear she was getting a bit worked up by the fact that I was -for lack of a better phrase- using her. Again. It was now or never.

She had to duck out to take out some money, so I volunteered to go with her. Cue much eye rolling and looking angry from friends who were also getting a bit pissed off. We got to the cash point. By now I was almost blacking out from stress (first time I'd ever asked a girl out, at age 18. Oh the shame).

Me: "Listen, W. I... you... I've always really liked you..."

My throat froze solid. I probably looked like I'd been kicked in the fork. The words just wouldn't come. Thankfully she had the brains to figure out what I meant, and she kissed me as her way of saying yes. Score.

Over the next 8 months or so she prised me out of my shell, gave me confidence I never knew I had, and generally fixed my life in every way. 3 months in I told her I loved her, while we were lying on our backs looking at the stars and treetops in a park at 4am. She said it back. Then a friend of ours vomited behind us.

Unfortunately, I had to cock it all up by kissing someone else while hammered. I got a thump for that (off W).

We didn't see each other for a couple of months, but we were still so smitten despite everything that we could barely cease talking for more than a week. Just after New Year 2008 I was invited to stay with her at uni for a few days: the first time I'd seen her since the day I gave back her stuff.

She met me off the coach. It was raining. We got Chinese food. It was like we'd never been apart. We went back to her room. There was nowhere to sit except the bed.

20 minutes later we're lying in said bed, a healthy glow about us. I looked her in the eye, no longer afraid.

"W... I still love you."

She cried, I very nearly cried, it was beautiful. We've been together ever since. Only 9 months, but it's still going brilliantly. She's perfect for me in every way. We decided today (at 5am) that if we ever get married, we'll have Tim Minchin's 'If You Really Loved Me' and 'You Grew On Me' played at our wedding. I've grown up that last little bit enough to stop taking risks ("seeing if I can get away with snogging Girl X" being typical of my old behaviour) and keep faithful.

Length? 18 months if you don't include the 3 months apart.
(Tue 2nd Sep 2008, 22:33, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Another daddy's girl tale
A few weeks ago, while hanging around with my superfun new mates in their kitchen, a girl walked in. She had a bottle of Absolut (a warning in itself) in one hand, and was holding a phone in the other.

Her: "Guys, what's this place's postcode?"

I looked at the others quizzically, and they explained that she was ordering an Indian. The bill, it became apparent moments later, was £20 just for her and her mate.

Me: "Crivens! Twenty of your finest English pounds! We're students! I have £340 to last me until Christmas! There's a takeaway not 100 yards from the bottom of the tower; why are you doing this?!" I ask. She shrugs.

Her: "It's going on my daddy's credit card."

Me: "Aww, that's nice; your old man's forking out for you to get a nice meal on a Friday night."

Her: "Errr... no. He's given me access to his account."

Me: "OMGWTF ...And how much have you taken from this account?"

She looks puzzled at this point.

Her: "Dunno. Not really been keeping track. I've spent at least £400 this week, though."

There's a stunned silence, followed by another silence, this one composed mostly of building anger as everyone in the room looks at one another agape.

To break the tension, she offers:

Her: "In fairness, though, £300 of that was for me to go on holiday."

More silence.

Her: "Oh come on! You've GOT to have holidays!"

At this point I cursed and left, pausing only to punch a wall on the way out.

Cunt.
(Sat 11th Oct 2008, 18:46, More)

» Cringe!

Oh so many
1. Knocking a painting over on stage. In front of my entire school. While dancing (in an ironic fashion, I assure you) like John Travolta. Thankfully, no-one remembers this happening.

2. My first girlfriend. Honest to God, it was so bad I genuinely think that if I bumped into her in the street the line "Yeah, that was all just me taking the piss" would wash. Creepy? Inept? 12 years old? All of the above.

3. Crying because of some minor sexual failure. I was drunk (there's a moral there).

4. My mother finding my taped Channel 5 porn, and confronting me about it as we set off on a long car journey.

5. Having a queen bitch of a girl draw tits, biologically inaccurate porn, and love notes to Britney Spears in my notepad, replace it, steal it 2 hours later, and show it to everyone. Instant leper, and I wasn't very popular to start with.

6. Trying it on with a girl while drunk, and not remembering it in the morning. Her boyfriend, while calm, was not pleased.

7. Developing a severe bladder infection and having my mother inspect my tackle because I didn't want to go to the doctor's yet. I had to turn up the music in my head so loud I permanently damaged my hearing.

8. Asking a very glum looking person "who died?". Turns out it was his sister.

9. My entire puberty.

10. The second time I got drunk (the first time went swimmingly well, surprisingly). I remember arriving. I remember drinking a lot of shots of vodka. I don't remember the ensuing 8 hours, telling a girl her breasts were too small, being punched off my chair by an unknown, or vomiting while upside down (think about it).

11. Watching a television program about someone who is suffering from senile dementia and some kind of paralysis with a friend who's father had just had a stroke. There was a good minute or so before the "OH SHIT" moment.

12. Being caught stealing someone's shampoo in halls. Yeesh.
(Thu 27th Nov 2008, 23:32, More)

» Tightwads

My Father
My parents divorced when I was wee, and by the time I was into puberty my relationship with my father was getting a little strained because of his new wife (who's a whore). One summer I hadn't spoken to him for quite a while, when out of the blue he called to arrange for me and my brother to go on holiday with him. Camping. Not wanting to ruin our last chance to keep him in our lives, we said yes (forced grins all round).

Then he started moving the goalposts. Now his new family was coming along too. Fine; we should give them a chance as well.

Then he advised bringing along some money for us to buy souvenirs. Fair enough, he can't be expected to stump up for everything.

Then he said we needed to bring about £100 or more each, because we'd have to buy our own food and drink. WTF.

Before we could reply to this, he left a further message on our answering machine, revising that and saying we'd have to chip in for the spot in the site, electricity, and so on as well.

We told him to never contact us again. And indeed he didn't.
(Fri 24th Oct 2008, 2:54, More)