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» Food sabotage

I've just remembered another one...
A couple of mates of mine and my brother's decided it would be funny, while preparing a bowl of cereal for breakfast at another friends house, to lace it with some dry cat food.

It was utterly foul.

My brother - the victim of the prank - walked over to give the 'mates' a slap and subtly sneaked a peak at the ingredients, picked a chemical at random and casually said, "I hope it doesn't have DL-methionine in it! I'm REALLY allergic to that!"

'Mates' check out the ingredients list, start to look panicked, and let my brother know that yes, it does.

We left shortly after that.

Moler (one of the mates) phoned up later to make sure he was ok, we saw that it was him phoning and were in the car with our dad at the time. We quickly explained what had happened, gave the phone to my dad and told him to improvise.

He did a sterling job, telling Moler that we were on the way to the hospital because my brother was 'desperately ill'. He starts apologising to my dad, who says, "look James, I've not really got time to talk about this right now" and hangs up the phone. Well funny.

We later found out that Moler had thrown up shortly after the phone call through shear guilt. Oh how we lolled.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 16:42, More)

» Food sabotage

And another!
I've never had an answer to QOTW, now I've got loads.

We were having some teas after a rather heavy night, and had a few packets of biscuits to go with them.

Unfortunately for my mate (funnily enough, one of the two who was involved in the cat food incident) his mug was the same circumference as a digestive biscuit.

Everytime he was distracted (often: he's that sort of bloke) I dropped a biscuit into his cuppa. He didn't take many sips from it, so I managed to get (IIRC) six biscuits into it without him noticing.

He soon remembered his tea, now cool enough to neck, and downed it. Or, more specifically, attempted to down it. It turned out that there was a thin layer of tea over a thick sludge.

Some of the nasty paste went down his throat, some on his face, some down his front.

Tea/Digestive paste + rotten hangover = puking. Funny stuff.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 16:54, More)

» Food sabotage

Doughnut death
One of the presenters at a radio station I worked at was a complete and utter twonk. A really annoying pecker who had a picture of himself as his computer backdrop.

Anyway, we had some doughnuts kicking about in the kitchen and he was being a right prick about him having the last one.

So, using a splendid combination of cunning and my intimate knowledge of doughnuts I decided to play a little prank on him.

I gutted a biro and poked the straw-like empty case into the little hole they put in the side to inject the filling and sucked the strawberry goo out of the middle. Quite literally 'taking the jam out of his doughnut'.

I wasn't finished though.

We often ordered in food from a local cafe and their fishcakes always used to come with a couple of sachets of tartar sauce, which no one used to eat.

I snipped the top off a few of the packets, poked the leaky end into the doughnut and injected the contents into the jam's place.

He bit into it and, being the massive egomaniacle cock that he was - refusing to admit he'd been got, finished the whole thing.

What a nob.

This trick also works for a tasty treat. Poke the nozzle of squirty cream into the same hole they put the jam in with and unleash hell. Awesome.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 15:52, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

On the inside of a door to one of the bogs at uni....
Written along the bottom edge:

"Beware the limbo dancers"

It would have been rude not to add "Beware the pole-vaulters" to the top edge. So I did.
(Tue 8th May 2007, 15:46, More)

» Guilty Laughs

Setting himself up for a fail
Back in the uni days, I was a bit of a marijuana enthusiast. The kinds of people I hung out with is fairly predictable and, of course, most possessed some kind of homemade bong.

One particularly interesting piece of Blue Peter paraphernalia was a bong made out one of the Alton Towers Oblivion cups that you used to get. For those of you unfamiliar with the shape, here is crappy drawing so you can get an idea of the shape.

The problem posed by the shape was that you sort of had to put your face into the top of the bong to get an air tight seal since the hole in the top was 10-15cm across.

So, we were puffing away on this thing and someone who lived in halls with one of my mates (I forget his name) comes and out and asks if he can have a bowl.

Of course you can mate, weed is for sharing, after all.

There were about ten of us sitting on the grass chatting happily, there were a few different conversations on the go, and he joined in with the banter and waited for his turn. Good day.

When it came round to him, he packed himself a bit of a fruity-looking bowl for such a shonky bong. When he was ready to go for it, rather than just getting on with it he insisted everyone watch him toke it.

"Everyone watch me do this bong.

"Back home in Greece they call me Bong King."

People, unsurprisingly, aren't that interested in watching a bloke smoke a bowl... it's not that special, but he insists so all conversations that were flowing along quite nice come to a halt and he has his audience.

He puts the lighter to the bowl and starts tugging away, he's doing something wrong though because - as the bong smokers among you will know - the smoke is supposed to sit on the water, but it was creeping up the neck towards his mouth. He hasn't pressed his face in hard enough.

As the smoke reaches his lips it catches in his throat, causing a rather unexpected cough. Of course, his mouth is still on the bong so all the air he expels goes straight into the pipe, firing the cherry/mix into the air at the head of stream of bong water that covers several of the reluctant spectators. He then goes into a coughing fit.

Most people remain politely quiet. He has, after all, just made a bit of a dick of himself and it was an unfortunate combination of 'bigging himself up' then failing to consider bong quirks - it could happen to anyone.

Me and one of my mates simply couldn't contain ourselves though and literally fell about laughing. Utter hysteria.

Our Greek friend looked like he'd walked into a communal shower and everyone had started laughing at his 'little man'.

Poor bloke, I felt terrible but I couldn't stop laughing. Sorry Bong King.
(Fri 23rd Jul 2010, 13:19, More)
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