b3ta.com user gingerclaire
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» Beautiful but Bonkers

Not me but an ex...
I once went out with a guy whilst at uni and everything was going swimmingly..except for one thing. Every time we went somewhere for the evening he seemed to...well...glow. It was like he glittered. Having a tendancy to set my sights on those who are about to 'come out' I became concerned he was wearing make up or dabbling with the New Romantics. Even thought it was 2001 and not the 80's. Other people had started to notice that whenever he moved in a well lit bar/club little shiny reflections covered the walls.

I eventually plucked up the courage to ask him why he always looks like a human glitterball and he tells me about his psycho ex and the revenge she had decided to wreak on him.

When he had split up with her she had snuck into his house with a spare key and sprayed glitter spray ALL through his clothes drawers and wardrobes. This had happened FIVE years previously and he had moved house three times and done countless washes but...as we all know from annoying greetings cards...glitter is persistant. It is for life and not just for xmas.

I just laughed as I thought this was the best thought out (and therefore slightly bonkers) revenge I had ever heard of.

Well done to that girl as he did turn out to be a real Twunt.

Its not very big but I'm a ginger so my psychotic nature compensates more than enough.
(Mon 20th Nov 2006, 17:15, More)

» Evil Pranks

Not so much evil...
My friend once asked me why mohair jumpers etc were so much more expensive than other woollen clothing items. I explained that mohair comes from a small animal called (not unsurprisingly) a mo. They live in mountainous areas only and are notoriously hard to farm. They have bright red eyes as they only come out at night and razor sharp barbed horns. Because they are soooo vicious, the only way to collect their mo-hair is to pluck it from the intricately woven barbed wire fence at the edges of their boundaries. This makes the mo-hair very rare and the job of collecting it very dangerous. So...mo-hair is so expensive due to having to pay mo-hair farmers the equivalent of danger money.

It was only after hearing her 'explain' this to another poor sap SIX years later that I realised I should set her straight. So I told her their eyes were really bright yellow. Red eyed moes - I ask you! How silly!

Length? Moes dont have penises, they have manginas.
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 14:21, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

My worst journey actually got me nowhere...
My worst journey was actually on a big wheel at a winter fair in our town (The Mart if you are unfortunate enough to know it), thus rendering it pointless as it got me nowhere but was supposedly in the name of fun and frivolity.

My best friend, boyfriend of the time and myself cosied ourselves into the carriage whilst they convinced me (a rider for the first time) that the ride was not going to fall over/collapse into a ball of flame/eject me at its highest point.

Just as I was getting into the ride, it stopped. I was informed this was to let passengers off at then bottom. As we sat suspended almost at the top, a few little 'flakes' of white pitter pattered past our eyes. As Charlotte declared "It's snowing" we looked up open mouthed (as seems to be a natural reflex). Upon clocking the man vomiting on us from the carriage above, we soon realised it was not in fact snow.

Charlotte and I began to jiggle around whilst the man vomited on us FOUR more times and we screamed "I gock ick ong my ipsh get it ogh!" without daring to close our mouths for fear of digesting the already digested. Eventually the carriage started to move.

We got off cloaked in spew and had to drive home in my Metro with all the windows open...on second thoughts THAT was the worst journey ever.

P.S. We later found out it was one of my mums employees who had sicked on us as he went into work and bragged about it...my mum and all her cronies who knew the story burst out laughing and told him who they had been sick on..not a jot of sympathy!!
(Wed 13th Sep 2006, 10:45, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

..that the younger you get - the better you are with technology. Simple.
(Tue 26th Sep 2006, 13:45, More)