b3ta.com user MadBouncyDog
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» I witnessed a crime

Hooray for Animal rescues!!!!
Many years ago, I moved to a quiet little seaside town where there is no sea. (if you know Southport, Lancashire you'll understand)

There was me, MadBouncyWife and her two dogs that had both come from animal rescues.

One night whilst we were asleep we awoke to the sound of barking dogs and a crash. Now the dogs were in the bedroom with us and the door was closed. So being the big brave guy that I am I opened the door and let the dogs go first. They chased off down the hall to the living room and I heard nothing more execpt a low growling from our Alsation (did I mention he was a big one too??)

So I entered the living room and flicked on the light to be confronted with a young man out of his face on... Well whatever he was out of his face on and my Alsation standing two feet away from him teeth beared growling. Not biting, attacking, or anything naughty.

"What the fuck are you doing in my flat?" Said I.

"Call yer dog off will ya" he replied.
"like fuck I will"
"Where's Jenny?" The scrote asked?
"???" Said I.

Anyway, the upshot was that he was looking for his ex girlfriend who had lived there before us and broken in though a boarded up patio window to try and 'make up' with her. I wonder why she left him?

I made the guy crawl back through the hole he had made, and only as an afterthought phoned the police in case he was a VERY good actor, wasn't really off his face but was casing the flat to return later.

It turns out that the Alsation that came from the animal rescue had previously belonged to a lorry driver who tied him under his parked lorry every night to guard it and otherwise generally mistreated him, but he had been attack trained. I never knew despite living with him for months prior to this incident.

He went on to live to the ripe old age of 13, and spent his last morning lying in the sun under our apple tree. He was great with both our children that came along after him and from that night I never had any worries about somebody trying to break into our property.

I really miss that dog.

Length: 13 years
(Sat 16th Feb 2008, 22:59, More)

» Asking people out

All hail the Eighties
I was lucky enough to spend my teenage formative years in the 1980's. Spandau Ballet, Visage, Duran Duran, Depeche Mode and Soft Cell to name but a few were my musics of choice.

Falling into this musical sub-culture as you do, necessitates a certain uniform so as to fit in with all the other 'individuals'. However, many of my friends didn't share my flamboyant streak so on many occasions I would find myself in typical nightclubs and bars being the only guy wearing make up.

Also, my best mate was Sarah (R.I.P :( ) and we developed a two stage approach to helping each other. I would find the object of the night's affections and she would strike up a conversation with them (usually in the Ladies) checking for boyfriends, husbands, madness etc.) and then when I was sure I was in the clear, I used my best chat up line:

"Can I borrow your eyeliner?"

In return, when she saw someone she wanted, I went up to them and said:

My mate over there wants a shag. You up for it?

it worked for us.

And yes, I still miss her.
(Fri 11th Dec 2009, 19:17, More)

» Cringe!

Customer service cringe
For my sins a few years ago I worked as a customer service rep for the TV shopping channel QVC. This consisted of 2 weeks training in a classroom followed by a further week in a special area in the call centre where the new people sit and there are more experienced staff walking around to lend a hand if/when you get stuck. It works well and to be honest it's quite a fun job if you like talking to people on the phone.

Anyway, around this time my sister in law was very heavily pregnant and it had previously been agreed tbhat my wife was to drive her to hospital when the time came as her husband didn't drive. I was in charge of watching my own 2 kids who at the time were too young to be left on their own.

Perhaps many of you don't realise, but generally in these call centre type environments most calls follow a similar pattern and whilst QVC wasn't heavy on the scripted conversations, one thing they did like was for the calls to be ended with "Thank you for calling QVC"

So anyway, unbeknown to me, sis-in-law goes into labour, my wife drives her to the hospital, dropping my kids off at my mother in laws.

Once my sis in law was 'settled' in the delivery suite my wife thinks it would be a good idea to ring QVC and ask them to pass on a message to me, just so I know what's going on and where my kids are. Having left the house in rather a rush, she has forgotten to bring the reception phone number with her, so doing what any good girl scout would do she improvises and rings the telephone ordering line. Bear in mind there are around 200 people at any given time answering phones at QVC and you begin to see why it was so amazing that it was I who answered her call.

Me:"Good afternoon can I take a item number please"

Wife: "I don't actually want to place an order, I just need to get a message to MadBouncyDog to tell him his sis...etc."

Me: "Mrs. MBD!!! It's me !!! Wow!!! what are the chances??? How was it etc.

Mrs. MBD then proceeded to tell me the graphic details of the onset of labour and the trip to the hospital ending with instructions for picking up my kids.

Me: Ok Thanks for that. Thank you for calling QVC!!!

Unfortunately all calls are recorded and I could hear the monitoring team laughing from the other end of the (very large) room for what seemed like hours.

Loses it a bit in translation I'm afraid but I'm a musician, not a writer.
(Tue 2nd Dec 2008, 22:12, More)

» Evil Pranks

4 years of lurking...
and finally a question that I have an answer to.

Way back in the shadowy mists of time when I was leaving school. (1982 if anyone is interested) there was a lad in my year who had not missed a single day in the whole 5 years we had been there. On the very last day of term he was to be presented with a special award.

So being the nice kind chaps we were we met him on his way to school, tied him to a lampost and left him there.

We fessed up later in the day and the school still gave him his special award.

A book token.

pop! etc.
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 22:22, More)

» Books

Mt wife is a published author
and I love all of her books. I'm not just typing this because she's looking over my shoulder.

Love you sweetie XXXX
(Fri 6th Jan 2012, 18:14, More)
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