» Too much information

Here's one for the masses.
I have pulled out a constipated poo because it got stuck half-way out.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 19:51, More)

» Faking it

Faking the ultimate fake (Warning, not so ultimate)
My brother is a the best of times, an arse.

I enjoy winding him up and then some, (It's the only way I can get any fun) he's very naive too.

Sometimes I also try to rope his mates in on the whole fake thing.

But to my brother, I've had several girlfriends that never existed, had several jobs when in truth I've only ever had one, and I failed... miserably. I'm also a total hardnut in his eyes, this is where the story begins.

During his first year at secondary school I was in year 10, and some second year kids had started to bully him, doing the older brother thing, I went to have a "word" with them.

They never spoke to him again, and instead ran away from him, he thinks I beat the shit out of them. What really happened is I told them they shouldn't pick on him as he's schizo and carries a knife with him.

He still believes that I beat them up and they leave him alone because of me.

Length, it's about 12 inches and serrated.
(Tue 15th Jul 2008, 17:46, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

I got hit by a car riding my bike.
The driver just shouted at me out of the window calling me a useless cunt for being in the road (I had done nothing wrong, he actually drove into me).

However a rather nice lady was walking past, and she started raving at this guy from the pavement (She'd seen the whole thing) he shut up, and then she picked me up as I was having that grey pain where everything goes numb, asked if I was ok.

To which I said that I couldn't feel my arm properly, she then walked me to the hospital (It was just round the corner) and waited with me until I could get seen by a nurse.

Thankyou kind lady, I hope you hated that cunty driver as much as I did.
(Thu 2nd Oct 2008, 20:37, More)

» It's Not What It Looks Like!

This question literally just made me have a flashback
I was getting head from my girlfriend in her bed, when her older brother walked in...
The only thing I could do was smile and wave, which only made things worse...
(Fri 10th Dec 2010, 0:11, More)

» Dad stories

I love my dad
Despite his sometimes erratic and frankly terrifying behaviour.

He had a tough upbringing, and sometimes it came out when he dealt with me and my siblings when we were younger, however he never got to a stage of ultra violence (although we have had our bust-ups).

When I was about 7 he woke me up at midnight for a spot of stargazing, telling me all about the different constellations and old stories behind them, obviously being 7 I didn't care much for the stories, but the fact that he had taken the time to impart some of his knowledge to me only struck me as a special father/son moment some few years later.

He used to play in bands as a younger man (although he used to have a stupid mustache that I take the piss out of whenever I see his old tapes) and released a few albums, even at one point headlining a festival in Belgium. My mum recently pulled out a home recording of my dad holding my up on his shoulder and both of us are headbanging to Rage Against the Machines "Killing in the Name". He's been teaching me how to play bass guitar on and off for the past 2 years, and can learn by ear almost any song you give to him.

When I lost my virginity at 14 my mother went absolutely ballistic at me because I was having under-age sex, and that was naughty, my father on the other hand, bailed me out of the house under the premise of a stern talking to. Instead, we went to his local, and he announced "My son has just become a man" a cheer went up across the bar, while the barkeep looked the other way to my first pub pint.

Now at 18, we go to the local every Friday for a few pints and a meal and have a good chat about how things are and what dirty jokes he's heard on site.

All in all, my dad is awesome.
(Thu 25th Nov 2010, 17:15, More)