b3ta.com user StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows
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I live in Perth, my friend showed me this site when the wanking disasters QOTW was in vogue and it was the funniest shit I'd ever read. Anyway I'm kinda dropping hints to see how long it takes people to realise it's me, probably less than a week given they've all heard my stories. So as not to make it too easy, my profile has little to no information that would actually be useful background about me so it was probably a waste of time to read this so while I'm at it I'll waste some more time.


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» Work Experience

I did some work once
it was a horrible experience, shan't bother with that again
(Sun 13th May 2007, 11:59, More)

» Going Too Far

Biology dissection again
Sheep's heart. Only one person in the whole class had refused to take part as she knew she absolutely could not stomach this. The day arrived as did 30-40 sheep's hearts, she refused point blank to take part in the dissection and debated this with the teacher.

Now for some reason, I'm not sure why the teacher must have decided that she HAD to atleast be there if not take part because she appeared not to have been allowed to leave. She got more and more pale every second, nowadays; a more sensitive man, I would have pittied her but at 14 I seemed to find this immensely amusing. In fact, so amusing did I find it that upon discovering you could stick you finger in the aorta and use the heart as a finger puppet I decided that she simply had to see my one man production. "Be my friend" the little heart puppet uttered in a voice strangely similar to my own and right next to her face, "be my friend, I love you" for added realism I wiggled my finger in time such that it gave the impression of speech.

That was definitely going too far especially when she ran outside and threw up all over the place. What do the critics know anyway, 'twas art, a beautiful and layered performance.
(Sat 11th Nov 2006, 14:09, More)

» And that's the thanks I got

I poured my sweat and blood
Into masterfully telling a story of my youth last week with you people and apparantly almost no one clicked 'I like this'. Some thankyou.
(Tue 29th May 2007, 3:02, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

What is it with the women in these stories
Seriously why are there so many heartless wenches? There is a pretty clear theme beginning to present itself here of "My girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because she wasn't ready for sex or wanted to get married first but then it turned out she was in fact shagging someone else the whole time/went out with my best friend straight afterwards and screwed his brains out" I mean really that is the absolute height of cruelty. As far as I know this has never happened to me but I swear I want to cry for the sakes of the poor souls to whom this HAS happened, just hearing about it.

Honestly, girls there are many of us men who've been accused of insensitivity and while I definitely don't want to get into any kind of gender debate, I've got to ask, what's with this tactic? I mean have these people really done something so terrible that they deserve THAT? That kind of thing could drive me to the razorblade.

It's not that refusing sex for one guy and not to another is the cruel part so much as the refusing it for these moralistic reasons and having men kind enough to support you in this vain and then throwing it back in their face in such a horrible horrible way I just can't understand it, so if anyone wants to be a spokesperson for the women in these stories and explain it to me I'd surely listen.
(Wed 1st Nov 2006, 7:12, More)

» The Boss

Penny pinching to the last
So this post is mainly for the sake of posting as it's been so many years. By the way whatever happened to frankspencer and apeloverage and legless?

Anyway. The first job I ever had was at Subway and I was 14 years old. The man in charge was such a cunt, at times his caricature antics, appearance and accent made him less a figure of hatred for me then bemusement and disbelief but most of the time I really wanted to see this guy get stuck in the damn freezer.

He would berate me over the stupidest of things because he was such a tight-arse, I'd had complaints from him that I was never to give more than 6 slivers of olives on any 1 sub because they were too expensive, he once docked $10 pay from my 4 hour shift at an illegal $5 an hour (paid in cash to avoid troublesome minimum wage issues) because he said the till was down $20, he took the remaining 10 from the other person on shift. He also once spent hours mopping soft drink syrup off the floor with paper towels and squeezing it back in to the drink dispenser because he didn't want to replace the dropped syrup. But you know the man was so stereotypically Asian and so thickly accented and had such fascinatingly cartoony facial expressions that sometimes I just couldn't help but laugh.

I'll never forget the time that my 15 year old co-worker came in on her day off to buy some lunch. She'd been on holiday for a few months and we'd not seen her for a while. When she finished and left, the old boss was brimming with something he desperately wanted to say, his grin was bigger than I'd ever seen him produce and he could barely contain himself, he'd thought of something that was clearly the funniest joke ever made and I would be privileged to hear it too. "Stumps, stumps *sniggers* stumps *sniggers* Samantha has grown......." the smile still implying further insight to come "Samantha has grown SIDEWAYS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" to illustrate his point he extended his arms from his chest to demonstrate his estimate of how ample her bust had become. Yeh, he was a charming fellow, he also told me that when my sister had applied for a job he couldn't give it to her because she looked too overweight and would eat all the food and cost him too much money.

I think what really describes this man best as a boss and maybe as a person is that he would routinely spend at least an hour a day watching the CCTV footage of the person on shift the night before (usually me) handling the till, presumably to make sure we didn't steal any money or worse yet his precious sub-club tokens. This little man was like a 1970's British comedy impersonation of 'foreigners' and really I've never met anyone more cheap since. 3 Cheers for Martin, the stingiest, creepiest manager ever.
(Tue 23rd Jun 2009, 23:52, More)
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