b3ta.com user Udderbelly
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» Fire!

My first wife's arse
Visiting the in-laws one evening, we're all watching telly. First wife was lying face down on the carpet, head propped-up in hands style. She lets a nasty one rip that makes my eyes water. To deal with the smell I whip out my lighter and flick it on while holding it close to the source. As she's wearing tight lycra pants there's a fair amount of trapped gas which promptly ignites. I had to beat out the flames with my bare hands.

That marriage never lasted. Funny that.
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 11:37, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

I was six
She was five and lived next door.

She'd come over to play on our trampoline in her bathers. I lured her into my cubby house and showed her the copy of "Where Do Babies Come From" that my parents had got me to explain the bulging stomach my mother was sporting. We decided to give it a go ourselves.

Can't say it was a rip-roaring success, but on the plus side I built up some sort of peadophillia immunity because I haven't had it off with any five year old girls since.

Embarrassing Postscript:
Around ten years later, living in a different city, down the shops with my Mum, who stops to chat with some lady and her daughter. "Oh you remember Wotshername don't you? They used to live next door to us back in OldTown, and Wotshername used to come over and play with you on the trampoline."
(Wed 9th Mar 2005, 7:51, More)

» Being told off as an adult

I should post something here about the right bollocking my missus gave me last week ... but I wasn't listening.
(Fri 21st Sep 2007, 10:03, More)

» Pathological Liars

First Post !!!!!1!!!111!!
(Fri 30th Nov 2007, 12:29, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

I found out the hard way why a particular gf never let me come in her mouth when during a otherwise satisfactory sixty nine I gave her a healthy throatful.

She ran gagging from the room to throw up. Turns out she was allergic to semen. I ended up driving her to hospital to get something for the swelling, costing her a day off work and me a week or two without as punishment.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 15:26, More)
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