b3ta.com user mickturate
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» Guilty Secrets

a long long time ago (not a distant galaxy tho')
I was on a stag night and about 4.a.m we all crashed...I half awoke to a faint pulling at the nethers...the groom to be was blowing me!
A) rudely awake and say WTF dude! (thus outing the un-outed at that point groom to be)
B) let nature run its course...?

I chose B and fell asleep after the er, natural response.
at the wedding I did get to finger the missus to be; "He's not been near me of late" she said and then I shagged his sister-out on the lawn, doggy style behind the rose bushes tho' not entirely out of sight of the catering staff apparently...a resounding cheer at orgasm does wonders for the ego, I find.
He, the groom that is, divorced within 6 months for some reason, which, i'm sure is entirely unconnected to any of these events.

guilty secret? er, I think i might have enjoyed it!
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 12:56, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

Twas the days of slam doors….

Last train from waterloo (to pompey via surrey doncha kno')full of pissed biznizz people.
The train stopped in the middle of nowheres
A biznizz man woke up: ‘eh, what?’
Picked up his briefcase, brolly, jammed his hat on and unsteadily opened the door and stepped out.
There was a muffle and a thump.
A minute later, a hat was thrown in, then the brolly, then the briefcase…
Hands appeared and he hefted himself up, put his hat back on, picked up the brolly and briefcase, said ‘you must think me an awful fool’ and then stepped through the other door.
I pissed meself
(Tue 12th Sep 2006, 16:37, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

broken me leg
My regret: I’ve broken me leg
I was painting a ceiling, standing on a ladder and using a roller above me head, bored witless, and I got to thinking of white paint…
i was 14, staying with my parents in a French hotel, my first ever stay in a hotel and first ever time in a big room of my own, it had white walls, with tasteful pctures and big mirrors and eye dazzling white sheets on the bed…
I woke up in the morning with just one sheet over me, tent central.
I’d been woken by the maid bringing in juice and croissants, she looked about 18 and smiled at me and the er, tent in a low voice she asked ‘if I wanted anything else’ I was blush red and said ‘no thanks, that’s fine’ and she put the tray beside the bed.
‘are you sure ‘m’sieur that I cannot get you anything else?’ I said no again
still smiling,she started for the door, at the door she said ‘are you sure I cannot do anything for you?’

And that’s why I fell off the ladder…its taken me 20 years to realise what she meant
(Wed 11th Oct 2006, 13:14, More)

» * PFFT *

poison dwarfs granny
I was on my best behaviour 'off to see granny'
so I drove for hours and hours, only as we knock on the door, the poison dwarf ses: Oh BTW granny farts a bit-but we don't mention it...
we go in. Granny gets up; hellfarp!o how are farp!you? farp! and I'm busting a gut trying not to laugh, 'would you farp! like some Tea? farp!' So I hide in the bog for about five trying to think of drowning puppies or testicular cancer, anything serious like the phone bill.
oh there you farp! are, I've farp! poured you some farp! tea.
my hands are jiggling, there's tea in my saucer, tea on my jeans,
let me farp! get a cloth for you farp! and she farted every step of the way there and back to the kitchen. little old lady fruity farps & I'm avoiding the poison ones eyes cos she's looking really pissed off at my red face and the tears streaming down my cheeks and she hisses; god you are so juvenile! and that only makes it worse...
we stay for lunch and granny farter is doing courgettes for us. I'd managed to calm down some-mainly cos she'd sat and the cushion was acting as a silencer, when she said: 'the courgettes are from our garden would you like me to cut you some cheese?'
& I was gone, collapsed on the floor like a pissed on cat....
I never got invited back. don't know why, & me & the poison dwarf went our seperate ways

lenght= eternity & back
(Wed 18th Jul 2007, 16:59, More)

» Picky Eaters

as a student: i took a job one summer as a bin man, one of the binmen aka slim, used to eat his sarrnies every day at 10 despite the half full shimmering with stink garbage truck he was next to...so, one day as he chatted away whilst sitting on his upturned orange plastic 'carrier' (which incidentally had many pairs of ladies knickers tied on to the handles-it might not be wise to think too carefully of the many reasons why these might have been abandoned) he casually reached into his tupperware box and equally casually bit into the maggot ridden bird that 'Bob' had thoughfully put there. Slim almost filled the other half of the truck up.
we were all dragged into the office on our return to the depot and standing there like naughty boys in the headmasters study were admonished for the prank.
'Why?' asked the boss and threatened to dock pay until someone coughed up-'it were me' said Bob.
'In gods name why' said the manager
'it were going cheep' sed Bob and we were then thrown out of the office.

been very careful with sarnies ever after.

length? from mouth to back of truck? about 1.5 metres, olympic standards that is.
(Thu 1st Mar 2007, 14:36, More)
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