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» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Both subsequently died in the ambulance and their Regional Primary Care Trust set up an enquiry, chaired by Simple Simon, which came to the following conclusions:

1. The 50-mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couple's "best interests".

2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was "unfortunate" but no targets had been breached and he had been offered an "appropriate" choice.

3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not "material" to Jack's death as Government's (England only) quango, the National Institute for Clinical Excellence ("NICE"), [otherwise known as Drug-rationing In England ("DIE")] had not yet decided whether such treatment was cheap enough to be used in England (although it is freely available on the Scottish and Welsh National Health Services). In any case both the "brown paper" nurse and the "vinegar" nurse were away on diversity awareness courses and so were rightly unavailable.

4. Doctor Foster, Jack and Jill's GP, was most to blame and should be suspended and referred forthwith to the General Medical Council as he had:

a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lackof water to Social Services;

b. Failed to diagnose that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must have "severe learning difficulties".

c. Had not involved the "Falls" Coordinator which resulted in no "Risk Assessment" being done for the risk of Jill tumbling after Jack.Dr Foster'sGMC disciplinary hearing has been convenedin Gloucester; he is setting off for it now and hoping for fine weather!
(Wed 28th Nov 2007, 17:12, More)

» Evil Pranks

Bright Spark
Just remembered a "gud 'un" as they say in the Midlands.
Now my old man used to work as a welder in the days of yore, welding huge boiler tanks.
Now for those who dont know MMA welders work by passing electrical current into steel to melt (weld) it together. There are two main parts, the bit that holds the rod and a clip (kinda like a big crocodile clip). Electricity being as it is and always taking the shortest route, it is completely safe to touch the steel that your welding so long as the clip is closer to the rod than you are.
Right welding lesson over!
One of the lads, Steve we shall call him was sitting astride ("a la cowboy") a large tanker and running a seam of weld along the tank.
His friends (well ex friends now) thought it would be hilarious to distract his attention and while his attention was drawn remove said clip and place it onto the boiler tank !behind! his jeans clad ass.
Distraction over, the fastidious Steve returns to the task in hand and puts rod to steel right where he left off. Woops
He sent a lightning bolt straight through his tackle, he went a very funny shade of white and slowly (almost slo-mo) and silently slid from the side of the tank into a crumped heap on the floor. Feinted for a minute too.
After making sure he was conscious etc. We pick the poor lad from the ground and manage to convince him to inspect the damage,
His left nut is now the size of a small grapefruit and completely eclipsing the rest of his tackle as the rest had decided to go the opposite way.

Needless to say the 3 lads who moved the clip never owned up to doing it!

Steve has made a full recovery!

Apologies for length, but its a lot bigger than Steves!!!!!!!!!
(Wed 19th Dec 2007, 13:40, More)

» Terrified!

My Son
Sorry for the lack of lulz.
Ive never been scared of much. I was in a gang and a bit of a scally as a kid. I was a doorman as a younger man, physical violence doesnt really threaten me too much, I have a 2nd dan grading in Aikido and I used to box so I can defend myself well. I have a good family around me and do not want for much as far as money is concerned so a lot of things that cause fear or anxiety for most I very luckily do not suffer from. (I want to make it clear at this point that this is here for background and im in no way affiliated to the Honda motor company and do not partake in massive drugs and the supermodel scene has been a bit quiet of late). Now to what does scare me, my son.

He was born at 34 weeks (6 weeks premature) and was very ill when he was born. He had hemolytic anaemia at birth and was one of the worst cases seen in the area for a long time. He had only a 60pc chance of survival for the first few hours of life that thankfully rose to 95pc within a day or so.

The terror moment:
He was born, he was taken straight away from us and taken to an intensive care neonatal unit. As soon as I could I went up to see him. He was in a room that looked like Darth Vaders bathroom. I held his little hand and told him it would be ok. I rushed back down to the missus to let her know that he had survived birth and that they were working on him and then I ran back up to him.

I ran into the room he was in

The incubator was bare

There was no one in the room

A doctor walked in

I asked him "where is my son?"

He didnt know

I grabbed him screaming at him where my son was

Im a big lad, he was a little flustered

Eventually he managed to tell me that I wasnt stood in the intensive care unit but the critical care unit where my son was being held while they readied a space for him in the even more Darth Vaders bathroom esque intensive care unit next door.

My heart started beating again


He is thankfully now fine, my son not the doc. The 30 odd days he was in there was terrifying in itself but nothing compares to seeing that empty incubator.

Sorry its a wee bit verbose :)
(Thu 5th Apr 2012, 17:05, More)

» Best Films Ever

Favourite Film
Cant believe it aint been mentioned already! - The Usual Suspects. Ok it loses something when you know the ending but the first time was wicked for me. (Not many can say that)
(Thu 17th Jul 2008, 15:47, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

My Finger
My finger looking like this was the most freak sh*t i ever saw!


Top that motherfunkies!

(Stupid inane answer about lack of length here!)
(Mon 25th Jun 2007, 20:45, More)
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