» Family Holidays

When is too fat...too fat?
I went with my family on some sort of spurious camping trip to France. I say 'spurious' as it amounted to little more than an opportunity for my parents and their friends to get hammered on cheap local plonk every night while the kids 'played nicely'. Given that some of us had reached the ripe old age of 15, this was more than a lttle bit naff.

So one night, I sneaked a few bottles of the local mouthwash and headed for the beach with a trusted chum. To cut a long story short, I ended up bagging off with possibly the fattest girl in the Western hemisphere. How fat, I hear you ask?

I had to lift her stomach up and out of the way to go down on her...and there was a white scummy film under the folds to boot.

Still did it.

Can't remember anything else about the holiday as I spent the rest of my time in La Rochelle (or wherever it was) trying to burn all memory of that ghastly night from my brain.
(Sun 5th Aug 2007, 22:37, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

Well it all started with the CIA...
...rocking up at our Command Post out in Iraq. The 'war' had just started and we were all jolly keen and still believed in concepts like 'integrity' and 'honesty', especially from politicians. Did I mention we also believed in 'naivety'?

Anyway, this CIA hood turns up and starts blithering on about how a load of evil terrorists had taken up residence nearby (approx 1km) and would be be awfully nice Brit allies and call an airstrike in on it.

'Of course we would, US chum' we said and off we toddled to 'get eyes on' and so forth.

To cut a long story short - it wasn't an enemy stronghold. It was actually a compound belonging to the family of a man who had some blood fued going with the CIA man's interpreter...

...so much for that 'Special Relationship'.

On a positive note, I can record that we scored a direct hit and that we complied fully with the resultant...errrmmm...military investigation.

Strangely enough, the CIA chap was never traced. Perhaps he was fired, eh? ;)

And yes - all war is evil. Please don't flame me for doing my job. Ahem.
(Fri 10th Aug 2007, 0:23, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

When 50kms is simply too far...
I once found myself training with the British Army on the prairie in Suffield, Canada - approximately 4 hours from Calgary.

After running around and shouting bang for a few weeks, we were all given a 'run ashore' (i.e. 'go out on the pi$$' in normal people speak) so off we rode to the nearest 'city' called Medicine Hat.

A good night was had by all - including yours truly - and various people filtered in and out of my line of sight, clutching females in what they probably believed was a romantic manner. As the night wore on, I recognised fewer and fewer people, until actually there were virtually no people around at all.

Through the alcoholic haze, I became dimly aware that I needed to be back out on the ground in reasonable shape the following day so headed off to the taxi rank. One small problem - they had stopped some 90 minutes previously. It was at this stage I realised my watch had stopped at around 0340hrs.

So I had to stagger back up the Trans-Canadian Highway all on my own, a 50km journey hindered by the fact that the inevitable hangover kicked in almost immediately, and the certain knowledge that I was going to be VERY late indeed.

7 hours later I made it back. Missed the transport out and got slapped with a £350 fine.

My misdemeanour was knocked into the shade by one of my mates returning three days later, having been handcuffed to a bed in an Indian trailer park by an insane squaw and abused.

He left the Army shortly afterwards, but luckily I got his spare kit. Woo!

[Apologies for length and girth etc - it is Newbie Tuesday after all...]
(Tue 12th Sep 2006, 13:09, More)