» Desperate Times

tangy cuppa?
a few years ago, when I was at uni, I met this guy who had his own house and everything. we seemed to be getting on OK and on our first real date he took me out for a night on the piss. things progressed as the alcohol levels increased and when the pubs shut ( the bad old days of 11pm closing ),he asked if I fancied going on to a club.....or back to his place for a coffee etc......
we were getting quite snuggly and cuddly...so...back to his place it was.
off to taxi rank...as usual taxi/punter ratio wasn't good.....huge queue...very few taxi's.
by this time all the cider I had been drinking all night was working it's way through me.
being a bit embarrassed about showing my need to pee, I just clamped my thighs together and tried not to jiggle about too much.
eventually we got our cab....and thankfully it wasn't too long before we were dropped off at his door.
by now, I really needed to pee, and I had to hold myself a few times as he fumbled for the key in the lock.
ahh....a gentleman... I thought as he opened the door...turned on the light, and ushered me inside ahead of him.
I saw a frosted glass door at the top of the stairs...excused myself and darted up the stairs.
opened the door....fuck!!....it's a bedroom!
turned around....three more doors on landing...tried the nearest..door was open...looked in....could see computer and bookshelves...fuck!!
was really having to hold myself by now.
ran up to far end of landing..opened door
fuck fuck fuck....another bedroom!!..obviously master bedroom...looked around hoping for en-suite....no luck!!
was bent over double in pain by now...couldn't ever remember being so desperate for a pee ever before!!
had undone top of jeans and zip part down to reduce pressure on bladder.
one last door....not looking good!...opened door ( body contorted )...fucking store cupboard!!!....looked for a bucket!! anything!!
voice from downstairs...."it's down here through the kitchen!"
it was too late....FAR TOO LATE!!!
I was wetting my knickers!!
I ran down the stairs..tears running down my face...pee running down my legs!
he was standing by the door to the living room
"you OK?" he said
"fucking bastard!" I replied...as I continued to puddle the carpet...
then he looked down at the damage, and his face changed....." my NEW carpet!!"
that was it!!....I screamed at him and ran off through the kitchen to the bathroom
I locked the door and plonked myself on the toilet...I was soaked!!...peeled the wet things off..tap on door..."FUCK OFF!!"
couple of minutes later...note under door...could I pass wet clothes out....he would put in washer..which i did
had bath....used ALL his towels!!
had calmed down a bit...so wrapped in towels..went to find him
washing machine was on drying cycle (good)
living room carpet was covered in kitchen towel (bad)
no sign of him
followed trail of kitchen roll up stairs
could hear activity in computer room
went in...he was on computer
I could really have done with a big hug at that time
looked over his shoulder
he was doing an internet search for the best way to get PISS OUT OF CARPETS!!!
he turned round and said that he thought he had found a specialist cleaner that I could phone in the morning!!!
I can't remember the exact words that I screamed at him...but he looked shocked!
I ran down the stairs..he didn't follow
retrieved my jeans and knickers from the washer and phoned a cab
as a parting gesture.....I peed in his electric kettle!!
hope he enjoyed a tangy cuppa in the morning!!
(Sat 17th Nov 2007, 23:41, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

wet west country
From the age of six, we had a family holiday somewhere in the west country ( god knows why...we only lived 20 minutes from the sea in Norfolk!)
We always seemed to leave home in the middle of the night ( to avoid the rush...Dad said) and always got stuck in the most horrendous traffic jam.
For three years running I managed to disgrace myself by wetting my knickers in the back of the car.
We always had to stop at the same service station for me to be hauled off and get changed into dry clothes
My sister who was two years older used to love this, especially as by the third year, I had to sit on a towel on top of a bin liner.
can remember fuck all about the rest of the holiday!!!
happy days?
(Tue 12th Sep 2006, 20:01, More)