» Inappropriate crushes

Something for the weekend ?
A whole squad of us at school used to get our hair cut at a local barbers due solely to the fact that a drop dead gorgeous, and let's not beat around the bush ; particularly buxom young lady worked there.

We sat in line waiting to be called over and once the nudge-nudge / embarrassment thing was out of the way we just sat in stunned silence as she cut away and if memory serves, straddled the chair to cut your fringe (at least that's what I remember officer).

It all went tits-up one afternoon when one of us was called up and dressed in one of those stupid nylon hair-cape thingies, proceeded to get his hair cut by our hairdresser girl.

After snipping away for a few minutes, she suddenly noticed some rythmic fumbling from under the nylon sheet thing and promptly whacked our pal on the back of the head with a hair brush whilst screaming all manner of insults regarding his perversion.

Best bit was, he was cleaning his glasses under the sheet.

Laughed ? I nearly farted.
(Thu 28th Sep 2006, 15:24, More)

» Council Cunts

"IT'S NOT BLOODY RADIOACTIVE WASTE YOU KNOW"
Commenced work for a new small employer about 18 months ago and decided to drag them kicking and screaming into the new world of recycling.

I set aside a large waste paper sack and every Friday I'd pop this in my car and empty the contents into a paper bin at a nearby recycling centre on my way home.

Several months later, my Employers received a letter from the council asking what we were doing as we hadn't ordered any rubbish bags for a while.

I phoned them and advised them of my activities only to be lectured that I could be fined for doing what I was doing as I didn't have a CARRIERS LICENCE.

Fined for taking waste paper out of the office and recycling this myself ?

WTF ?

Makes you proud to pay your Council Tax.
(Tue 31st Jul 2007, 10:56, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

Turn the lights off
A bunch of us chaps (virgins all) were invited to a smallish party by a bunch of older girls in Glasgow. Tensions were high and for some extremely strange reason, we all assumed that this was the night when we’d all lose our respective cherries in appropriate corners of the flat. We were all so confident of this, that we’d all (quite separately) bought packets of 3 en route.

I’d previously met one of the girls at a drunken night out the previous week but when I saw her again in the pub sober, I actually screamed. She wasn’t ugly you understand, just a fair bit older and a tad over-emulsioned.

I should add, that I had luckily spent most of my youth avoiding all the usual acne ridden issues, however nature played its joker the previous week by placing biblical proportioned plukes and scabs on my face. I think it was God’s way of saying “she’s really ugly, don’t bother”.

How could she resist ? Very easily as it transpired. She made it perfectly clear I was borderline Living Dead, mate 1’s girl split her trousers and had to go home (I think it may have even been deliberate), mate 3’s girl was violently ill in the toilet (Mmmmmmm vomit) and mate 4’s girl turned out to be mate 3’s girl’s mother.

Laughed ? I nearly slept in the living room with my 3 mates with a pocket full of condoms. Oh I did – damn.
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 16:54, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

In At The Deep End
Went out with a girl years ago who worked for the local health authority who as a job perk, had out-of hours staff access to the local mental hospital swimming pool (well that would have swung it for me on the job offer!)

I accepted the invitation of an evening trip to the pool and our swim quickly turned into a furtive sexual coupling at the deep end (admit it - you'd have done the same).

I was terribly anxious and concluded the business as quickly as possible due to the nagging fear (too many horror films I guess) of some deranged half-wit escaping from E block, breaking in and setting about us with assorted sharp objects.

To this day, the smell of chlorine still makes me shudder.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 15:24, More)

» Failed

"What the feck did you do that for"
I asked the examiner in rather over excited tones as he applied the dual controls whilst I pulled out onto a main road during my driving test. At that exact moment an HGV the size of a football stadium roared past the bonnet.

I think that this, coupled with an alarmingly expansive 10 minute sign language motion to a coffin dodger looking to cross a road at the start of the unpleasantness, kind of sealed my fate.

Never did thank him for saving my life although he did pass me several months later. Goodness knows why though as he again applied the dual controls at a zebra crossing.

Maybe allowing him to have sex with my sister who was asleep in the back seat at the time helped.
(Fri 5th Jan 2007, 14:01, More)