» Terrible Parenting

Where's mum?!

When I was younger, if I ever asked my dad where my mum was, he would ALWAYS reply "she's run off with a black man"

I now live with a black man.


The power of suggestion!!!
(Sat 18th Aug 2007, 13:05, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

The Spectre of Willow House
A group of friends and I were staying at Willow House on a stag weekend. I however, was not drinking as I was ill. While in bed on the first night, I woke from a vivid dream and without opening my eyes I knew there was menace in the room. I squinted in the dark but could see nothing. I used the clapper on the lights to illuminate the room and as I tried to pull myself from the bed, I felt like i was being held down by a huge force. I was freezing and struggling for breath. I could feel and smell foul disembodied breath in my face. THen I heard it wheeze "Tell those cunts at B3ta to stop writing long stories that end in fucking awful pun/play on word things. It ceased being funny before it started. Same with the wank/tea thing and apologies for length. Seriously. I will fucking kill someone if they don't stop. These people are utter cunts. tell them if they wish to inflict these awful attempts at humor on anyone, to note them down and post them to themselves. Fuck, as if it's not bad enough being dead"

Weird, eh?

Oh, and if cats and dogs can be ghosts, does that mean rats and cockroaches can be too? What about sturgeon? Or foetuses? there is no such thing as ghosts. Only schizophrenia, mass hysteria and the ever present power of suggestion
(Wed 9th Jul 2008, 20:59, More)

» School Trips

From the creators of 'The Red Shoe Diaries'
Every year, as a farewell, our school organised an annual trip for its seniors. The year I went, as we were over the Mediterranean our plane ditched into the sea and our teachers died. Most of us survived. Ralph decided we should worship a conch (What was he smoking?) and to cut a long story short, Piggy was crushed by a rock and alot of other shit went down. We found a hatch, were attacked by the others and picked off one by one until I was left alone with Wilson, a new guy at our school who, due to a birth deformity, was born in the shape of a volleyball. I lost alot of weight, made fire,performed ice skate -dentistry and eventually escaped to forge a mediocre and bland acting career playing John Everyman. The irony of the situation was that there was no need to be on a plane at all as our school was in Manchester and our trip was to the Big W 6 miles away... How we laughed!

This story may infringe on the works of William Golding, J.J Abrams, William Broyles Jr. or Cyndi Lauper.
(Sun 10th Dec 2006, 15:06, More)

» Personal Hygiene

Play on words

Anyone who answers a QOTW with a play on words should be forced to swallow a tablespoon of tramp smeg washed down with the remains of a vaginal douche of a heavily diseased, middle-aged french hooker.
(Wed 28th Mar 2007, 0:05, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Uni Sex
To cut a long story short (and to make sure I can never get fully hard)

Was having jack-rabbit sex with a young filly over a desk and we booth seemed to be enjoying it. Decided to pull it out and really thrust it in. Unfortunately, I missed, thrust little Willy head first into the side of the desk and seriously, wholeheartedly cried for about 10 minutes. My erection wouldn't go away and after 2 days my knob went purple. Shuffled to the uni GP the next day, got it sorted but to this day, I'm still slightly scared of sex.
(Tue 19th Jun 2007, 1:54, More)