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Hello. If only looking at B3ta profiles gave you even a little insight into who the person is, eh?


Baldmonkey, in his incessant quest to irritate me with his internet poetry, wrote this


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» Trapped!

My ex-ex girlfriend and I got locked in Newcastle Keep.

We were on the roof looking at the view from the battlements of Henry II's New Castle upon the Tyne and didn't realise it was closing time. Obviously the staff didn't bother checking the Keep for any stragglers before locking the portcullis and going home.

We were none the wiser until we made our way to the exit and noticed that "Oh, we must be the last ones to leave", before pushing on the door to find it was locked tight with a medieval lock and chain.

I LOVE generally creepy things and despite not believing in ghosts and the like, particularly enjoy the spookiness of such places purely for the thrill of it. Therefore, I was super excited at the prospect of having to spend the night in a medieval castle and was ready to take full advantage of the situation by taking another more detailed tour of the building.

My girlfriend on the other hand, rapidly became a quivering, terrified wreck as the sound of chinking metal echoed down the 1000 year-old stairs and around the cold stone walls from the wind outside knocking the flag rope against its pole on the battlements.

Despite all my efforts to console her and explain quite how cool this situation was and that she should learn to appreciate these rare little events in life, I was forced to call the police before she had a proper breakdown, who then called the manager who apologetically let us out.

I would have just loved to have said, "It's ok, you can take her. I'll just stay here if you don't mind". Alas, I don't think that would have gone down well with any of the other parties.

TL;DR: I got locked in a castle.
(Fri 28th Feb 2014, 13:37, More)

» Fantasists

Once, I found a lump under my armpit.
Fearing the worst, I went to the doctor to get it checked out. He pushed it and prodded it and it was quite squishy and said he didn't think it was anything too serious but that he would take biopsy and send it for analysis just in case.

He took a scalpel and went to make little nick in the skin over the lump and it suddenly burst, sending orange fluid squirting out so fast, the doctor couldn't move out of the way quick enough and some of it squirted right in his mouth. The doctor recoiled, a little shocked and disgusted, but then he licked his lips and said it tasted like orange and was, of all things, fizzy.

He then sighed with relief, stood up and said, "It's ok, there's nothing to worry about, it's just a Fanta cyst".

The end.
(Thu 5th Jun 2014, 17:38, More)

» Near Death Experiences II

I haven't even had one near death experience, let alone "II". This is shit.
Have an otter playing dead experience:

(Thu 15th May 2014, 13:58, More)

» Near Death Experiences II

QOTW is so shit that old questions are being repeated. This story made me laugh today so I thought I would share it here. It is not my story and has fuck all to do with this QOTW question.

"What is your most awkward "I thought I/we were alone" story?"

Forgot my towel right before taking a shower. Ran downstairs naked to get fresh one from the dryer which was running (fuck yeah). I run up the stairs on all fours coughing, "Gollum! GOLLUM!" Almost to the top, roommate's gf leaning over bannister looking at me, very confused.

I do weird stuff when I think I'm alone.

(Thu 15th May 2014, 17:30, More)

» Inappropriate crushes

I first watched The Labyrinth when I was about 8. I can still remember being besotted with Sarah in her baggy white blouse and tight jeans.

Near the beginning of her journey, she's walking down the walled corridor (where she meets the worm, and just before she meets Hoggle). And then some upbeat music starts and as if she were an angel, she starts to run.

Her dark hair flowing behind her, her little brown plimsoles. The breasticulars!!. Oh, the breasticulars under her loose white shirt were clearly not supported by anything as inhibiting as a brassiere. I used to imagine them under there, jigging up and down, occasionally the nipples being stroked by her flowing blouse, and her getting turned on by it a little bit. I was in love.

Shortly after this display of shear wonderfulness, she meets Hoggle. The ugly dwarf thing, and he's fumigating what could only be described by his mannerisms and general mood, as a garden pest.

But oh no. I was in heaven. Sarah, with her delicate hands, picks up one of the pests.

It's a fairy. A fucking hot fairy. It's now sitting in Sarah's hand. My first encounter of lesbian action! The fairy had sparkly cute wings with a little, lace, low-cut mini dress and bare feet.

I've watched The Labyrinth over and over again during my 23 years of life and I can still manage to deplete a box of Kleenex on the strength of it.

No apologies for length.

I'm off. To watch The Labyrinth

Share my Labyrinth love:


(Thu 28th Sep 2006, 16:01, More)
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