b3ta.com user sewer urchin
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» Not Losing Your Virginity

I was 13 at the time and on holiday with my parents in Greece, the hotel was pretty stuck up and there weren’t many kids my age to hang around with so I was being a real moody sod. Up until I spotted her....

Her name was Inga, she was 15 and I can honestly say she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen.

Skip forward a few days and we’d actually started speaking, we hit it off pretty much straight away and bearing in mind I didn’t have much experience with girls (unless you count chasing them with a poo stick) I was doing remarkably well.

Anyway things got a whole lot better and at night whilst our parents watched the evening entertainment, we’d sneak off and kiss and fumble in the indoor pool area whilst nobody was about.

This went on for a good couple of night’s, with the kissing and fumbling getting a little more intense each time.

Cut to the last night of my holiday and we’re all over each other like a rash and that's when she started to strip off. In seconds she was now completely naked and spread across the sun bed beckoning me closer.

Now nothing would have made me happier than telling you that I threw my clothes to the floor and satisfied her like a Latin lothario but sadly this is not the case! So what did I do? Well like the absolute genius that I am, I panicked, decided to mumble some lame excuse about having to go and left her there.

I left a beautiful girl, completely naked on a sun bed who was ready to have sex with me.

I still cry myself to sleep over that one.

(Apologies for length, I’m sure that’s why I panicked)
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 17:23, More)

» Faking it

Italian Stallion
I have a fake Facebook page under the guise of some 30 year old loser from the Midlands but actually I’m a multi millionaire Italian Playboy who spends his time bedding beautiful woman and laughing in the face of danger.

(Fri 11th Jul 2008, 14:08, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

They say never meet your heroes!
Apologies if this is boring I don’t usually post much but a couple of years back I was lucky enough to be invited to play at one of those golfing “Pro-Am’s” (for those that don’t know what that is, it’s where you get to play a round of golf with a Professional golfer and some “celebrity/sporting types” which is all in aid for a good cause.

Anyway it turned out I was teeing off with a certain football player who not only was playing for the team I’ve supported since I was a boy but has also captained his country.

I’d like to point out at this juncture that I don’t usually get star struck and I think the whole celebrity thing is rubbish but I have to admit I was behaving like a love struck little girl for the entire week leading up to this. (Hangs head in shame)

So let’s cut to the day and I’m at the course nice and early, and it’s all going well. I’ve met the pro in our team and he’s nice and relaxed and talking us through the first few holes with a few tips. BUT then Mr. Footballer arrives in tow with his wife and my god doesn’t it start to go downhill quickly. Me being just a “normal” person he didn’t want to shake hands or introduce himself and I’m sure his first words to the group where “who’s getting me a drink then?” Nice.

Over the next 4 hours he complained and moaned about everything. The course isn’t right, his clubs are shit, he doesn’t like the weather, he’s pissed off about having to do this shit on his day off etc. etc. And believe me when I say that this was just so relentless I gave up talking to him after the 12th hole as I was starting to think about cracking him round the head with my putter and burying him in one of the bunkers.

Meanwhile the wife’s behind us, following in a golf buggy shouting such pearls of wisdom as “hurry up” and that “she’s bored” which got me thinking that I should be looking for the hidden camera’s as maybe “Beadles About” was making a come back?

After the golf’s all finished we where seated for dinner where he spent the entire time on his mobile talking loudly and shoveling his dinner down him like his life depended on it. Thankfully he left pretty much straight after the last mouthful of food had been swallowed and walking to door managed a last final insult of dismissing one of the main organisers of the day who was coming over to foolishly think he might like to stay and offer some help with the prize giving.

So in summary that’s pretty much as disappointed as I’ve ever been but maybe I was a fool to think I guy who gets paid £100,000 a week to kick a football around would be down to earth and half decent. ;)

(And his name wasn’t David before someone asks!)

Phew, that took me ages!
(Thu 26th Jun 2008, 17:55, More)

» Best Films Ever

So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

(Ok so it's not exactly an Oscar winner but makes me laugh every time I put it on)
(Thu 17th Jul 2008, 16:18, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

Spending over eight thousand pounds on cocaine in 12 months.

Oh and letting my mum sell almost every Star Wars figure there was on a poxy car boot.

She made about £100 for the lot. (sob)
(Tue 10th Oct 2006, 14:17, More)
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