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» My first experience of porn

When we were young...
one of my mates had acquired a VHS copy which contained some lesbian interaction which he got from an acquaintance at his school (who said he found it when he moved into his new house), anyway he was very keen to show it to me. Cue a saturday afternoon when his whole family were out and we sat in the living room and settled down to some lesbians getting jiggy in a field. Each time we heard the faintest sound outside we jumped up pressed pause and quickly changed the channel to some innocent bbc show not wanting to be caught in the act.

Now that the scene is set.

As we were sat there, eyes transfixed upon the delights before us I heard a crunch outside in the drive way. I jumped up to see if anyone was there but found no sign of life. Bearing in mind my mate and his family not being the most safety conscious of people always used to leave their door unlocked, if not wide open. So, thinking nothing of it we happily carry on watching these lesbians rolling round in a field, but I was convinced someone had come in after hearing various creaks on the stairs etc, but my friend just told me to chill and to stop being so paranoid. So, after an hour the tape finished and we retired up stairs satisfied with our findings on lesbianism. When we reached my mates room we discovered that all his cash and a newly bought video camera had disappeared. Shit! Whilst we were downstairs someone had snuck in and bloody stolen all this stuff. My friend not being too happy then called the police. When they finally arrived along with my mate's dad we had to give statements and answer various questions about what had happened.
"So sunny jim, where exactly were you when this all happened?"
Me and my mate looked at each other and all I could think about was those naked lesbians rolling round in that field of wheat.
"We were right here in the living room watching tv" I said.
"Well you must have been watching something very interesting to not notice someone else in the house"
"Yes officer" we both said in unison.

I must say, good job to the burglar for not getting distracted when he heard moaning sounds coming from the front room, that must have taken a lot of courage.
(Sun 28th Jan 2007, 8:03, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

A Beautiful lack of intelligence
I was talking to this lass (of a fit nature) from school over the medium of msn about what each of us were going to get up to that day, and as the Manchester premiership derby was being shown on tv I decided to stay in that afternoon and watch it.

Upon her asking me what I was going to do for the afternoon I replied "I think I'm going to stay in and watch Man United v Man City"
She was stunned and replied "I don't think I've ever seen or heard of such a movie"

Get the shotgun.
(Tue 21st Nov 2006, 11:10, More)

» Strict Parents

Religious Parents
Back in secondary school there was this kid who had overly protective parents and because he didn't get out much my mum forced me to go to his house one evening. Anyway, when I got there I had the usual "what shall we do?" question. I asked if we could watch the simpsons at 6 where upon he replied "my parents don't let me watch it, they say that it's not for kids." Riiight, so that suggestion had gone out the window.

"What's your favourite show then?"
"Hmmm, probably rugrats"

I held back by laughter and we sat around for sometime.

"Want to see my rock collection?"
At this point I started to feel sorry for the guy and without wanting to cause offence said that I'd love to (keep in mind that we were 15 at the time). When we got upstairs to his bedroom which was a bit chilly he promptly asked me if it was all right for him to "PUT HIS JUMPER ON"
I was melting up inside by now. But come on, who asks if it's all right
for them to put their jumper on, did he think I would be offended?

Didn't speak to him much after that and the last thing I heard was that he was the head choir boy at the local church. Poor guy.
(Wed 14th Mar 2007, 9:09, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

He'd Piss Himself (Not at Jokes)
There was this boy in my class in Yr 5 (Primary School) who used to quite literally now and again go to the toilet a little two late. Suddenly there would be this strange aroma coming from his direction and as people are used to smelling shit (ie fart smells), piss for some reason seems to smell a lot worse, especially in a classroom situation.

Anyway, one particular time springs to mind when our teacher asked him to come up to the board to complete some simple math. After him visciously shaking his head at her, the teacher, thinking he was being extremely rude sent him out of the class thus realizing why he had chosen to stay put. Could that be worse than being made to stand up in front of the class with rigid Jimmy in your trousers? Who knows?

But seriously, it was actually a bladder problem and I felt sorry for people calling him queer when it wasn't his fault, but then again I didn't realise my jokes were that funny when that familiar smell paraded up my nose thinking he was pissing himself over it.

I digress
(Mon 22nd Jan 2007, 14:20, More)