b3ta.com user Fake Spaniard
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» Not Losing Your Virginity

in the late nineties we were at a party with a friend of mine who shall remain nameless. a drunken teenage 'crazy' party with all the local girls. all of us were losing our virginities left right and centre that summer and my mate decided it was his turn to get stuck in. he didnt have to try that hard as there was a girl there that was gagging for him to bust her hole. some time after midnight we were standing in the kitchen making comments and stealing the vodka when said girl approaches and leads of our mate by the hand to the bedroom opposite. much hand slapping and laughter ensues. after about 4 1/2 minutes the girl came running out of the room in a fit of anger. she announced to the whole party that my mate had an erect penis that was '... about the size of a clipper lighter...' - to illustrate the point she proceeded to draw a scale picture of it on the living room floor in chalk with the immortal words 'flacido no dingo' scrawled undereath. reckon he went out the window as we didnt see him again that night. dont think he lost it for quite a while after that...
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 15:28, More)

» Kids

only in guildford
my mate told me that one saturday afternoon before a gig he was wandering around the centre bit when he overheard the following classic line from a 4 year old child, delivered in piercingly confident cut glass tones

"but mummy! ive spilt pesto on my gillet!!"

classic, even funnier once i'd looked up what a 'gillet' actually was....
(Tue 22nd Apr 2008, 14:11, More)

» Cringe!

the black horse
at university several years ago me and some friends, having indulged slightly in various liquors and substances, went out to play pool in a pub with a very very small pool area.

i was attempting a very difficult shot when someone tried to pass behind me, i left it a second or two and tried again, the person was still there. i was staggering a bit but left it again a couple of seconds. amazingly, the guy was still behind me blocking my shot. i gave a vicious backwards jerk with the pool cue and heard a crash, i turned around and saw a man and two crutches on the floor. his agonised cry of 'can't you see i'm disabled!' lives with me to this day.
(Wed 3rd Dec 2008, 16:10, More)

» Going Too Far

make it hurt
i dont know if this is too far but she wanted it so i guess its ok.

she told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt, so i fucked her twice then hit her round the head with a rolled up newspaper.
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 14:16, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

My delightfully Blonde ex-girlfriend frequently came out with such brain-farts as

"Who is Whitehall? why is he in the news so much? he must be very important"

"when Mary and Joseph got pregnant everyone was very relieved - they'd been trying for ages!"

the same dear little thing who, on having christmas at my mums flat, phoned my mum to ask her if there was anything she could bring on the day

"yes, could you bring the crackers, i didnt get a chance to pick any up"

"of course! really looking forward to it!"

the next day she proudly handed over a box of cheese biscuits.

the worst thing is, she's a teacher.....
(Mon 22nd Mar 2010, 12:15, More)
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